A Suicide Beneath the Capitulating Fall
#1
A Suicide Beneath the Capitulating Fall

If yet our only share is Autumn shed
Felled flecks of rusted Spring haunt too the Sage;
What vernal vestige to reverb'rate nigh?
For us, a frameless pane of leper sky-
No fissure draining forth the azure pool
Nor sunrise treading heav'n in cleft clouds cloaked;
But drowned twig carousels stir marinade
of flood-licked land, the pallid plume of fowl
Whereat the wan oak swoons its naked veins
A final shrug of lungs mists staid soiled scenes
Supine I watch my banished spirit twirl
Until the strained embosomed gavel springs
To toll quietus- nevermore to ring.
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#2
It is tempting to write and write like a sixteenth century poet because the poems from back then...sound good, don't they. But the problem, and this poem is an illustration of that, is that we end up getting the language all mixed up. How does a vestige 'reverberate', whether nigh or afar? It's the sun that treads heaven, not the sunrise. The oak can't 'swoon its naked veins'....unless you meant 'sweep', because I don't see how you can make a part of your body unconscious.
It is okay to write in an archaic style, but you need to get the language nailed down, and your metaphors consistent.
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#3
Hello Brian Roberts,

I’m afraid this piece uses a lot of words without saying very much, or going into specific detail.

Title: What is the ‘Capitulating Fall’ and how can one commit suicide beneath a, or the, fall?

L1’s ‘share of’ needs an object - share of what? If you are talking about leaves falling here, why is ‘spring’ both capitalised and described as ‘rusted’? Spring (not being a metal) cannot be rusted. If you’re referring to the colour of the leaves, then a straightforward phrase such as ‘Red leaves fall onto the ground’ avoids confusion and makes more sense to your R (who is, after all, the person you’re writing the poem for). Similarly, which sage is being ‘haunted’ by spring and why? If the sage you are referring to is the herb, I am struggling to understand how a plant can be haunted by anything.

L4. What is a “frameless pane” and what does it mean to describe the sky as ‘leper’? Since ‘leper’ is an adjective, I’m assuming you meant ‘leprous’, but that also doesn’t make sense to me in this context - how is the sky like a leper?

L5’s ‘forth’ can be excised. I am assuming the ‘fissure draining the azure pool’ refers to a sunbeam (I.e. sunlight leaching the sky of colour), but it could equally refer to a literal pool, given that you talk about floods later on.

I have no clue what L6 means. How can the (I am assuming) bunches of twigs in L7 ‘stir’ the floodwaters, and what does ‘flood-licked’ mean? How does it relate to pale bird feathers, and why then does the oak ‘swoon its naked veins’? Moreover, like busker, I’m struggling to understand how anything can swoon veins. The oak can either ‘swoon’ (fall unconscious) or it can, say, split open.

In L10, I can overlook lungs ‘shrugging’, despite the odd expression, as poetic licence. But why are the scenes ‘staid’ as well as ‘soiled’?

L11 is interesting, actually, with the use of ‘banished’ and ‘twirl’ (a rather balletic image). It would be interesting to see the rest of the poem reworked to be less heavy-handed with the language.

L12: How can a gavel be ‘enbosomed’ and how can it ‘toll’ for anything?

I know this crit is rather detailed for basic, but I hope it has helped you in some respect. Keep writing and rewriting!

Best,
EWO
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#4
Brian,

Welcome to the site.

 
Some write iambic pentameter with ease I do not. Although iambic pentameter is technically present, syntax has been sacrificed in order to attain it leading to a lack of clarity and confusion. For example "vernal vestige" (nice alliteration)does not mean the same as "vestiges  of spring". No doubt the writer knows what is meant, but this information is not translated to the reader. These are common problems related to writing in iambic pentameter.

best,

dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?

The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
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#5
(03-07-2020, 11:46 PM)Brian Roberts Wrote:  A Suicide Beneath the Capitulating Fall

If yet our only share is Autumn shed
Felled flecks of rusted Spring haunt too the Sage;
What vernal vestige to reverb'rate nigh?
For us, a frameless pane of leper sky-
No fissure draining forth the azure pool
Nor sunrise treading heav'n in cleft clouds cloaked;
But drowned twig carousels stir marinade
of flood-licked land, the pallid plume of fowl
Whereat the wan oak swoons its naked veins
A final shrug of lungs mists staid soiled scenes
Supine I watch my banished spirit twirl
Until the strained embosomed gavel springs
To toll quietus- nevermore to ring.

I can see that you are well read, and possibly in 17th-18th century poetry, but some of the words are do not sit very well for me. For example, felled flecks of rusted Spring-flecks are left after something is felled, if I am not wrong?
Also in my personal opinion, the line "supine I watch my banished spirit twirl" needs arrangement, as in "I lie, supine" for instance. 
All in all, maybe some rearrangement of lines, rewording some of the adjectives would help. Thank you for sharing Smile
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