Virus
#1
The bush shucks off
Summer’s ravages; milkwort
Turns blue thorn-flowers
Towards the morning.
 
Elsewhere, in the cities,
People lurch through
Imagined wastelands.


—-



Note: ‘bush’ or ‘the bush’ refers here not to a shrub but to “a wooded area, but not dense forest. It is usually dry and nitrogen-poor soil, mostly grassless, with thin to thick woody shrubs and bushes, with some eucalypt trees.” (Wikipedia)

This is my V2 - after posting it rather too eagerly I decided a revision was in order.
Reply
#2
There's a nice parallel between the bush that was actually ravaged this last summer, and the cities that are being ravaged by COVID. I like the use of 'imagined' to describe the heightened sense of paranoia...cough cough
The pacing through the 7 lines is good, and there's economy of words. There's a nice play on 'r' in ravage / milkwort / thorn. The description is vivid.
Outstanding.
Reply
#3
(03-07-2020, 11:57 PM)busker Wrote:  There's a nice parallel between the bush that was actually ravaged this last summer, and the cities that are being ravaged by COVID. I like the use of 'imagined' to describe the heightened sense of paranoia...cough cough
The pacing through the 7 lines is good, and there's economy of words. There's a nice play on 'r' in ravage / milkwort / thorn. The description is vivid.
Outstanding.

Thanks for your comment, Busker. Glad the COVID parallel came through for you (helped, I suppose, by my none-too-subtle title). I’m afraid that with my non-rhotic accent, I didn’t link the [ɹ] sounds in ‘ravaged’ with the rest, but at any rate, there’s plenty of other assonance and consonance.

Yes, well, when you read about people coming to blows and assaulting police over toilet paper at Big W, you have to wonder what they’ve been smoking.
Reply
#4
easywayout,

Is there something called the "blue thorn-flower," that is this is a proper name? If not, it should probably be "blue thorned flowers", especially if the thorns are not "blue".

Not wild about the enjambment on S1 L2, doesn't seem to do anything. Seems like enjambment for enjambment's sake.

Reads smoother without the comma after "Elsewhere". The comma at the end of the same line could be deleted as the ending of the line does the same thing.

Not wild about the caps of each line, makes the reading more difficult and there is really no point in doing so except for affectation's sake.

I noted all three of these because they made me pause during the reading and took me out of the poem.

Not wild about the title, but if it is not blatant people will probably miss the connection.

Overall a nice tight little poem.

best,

dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?

The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
Reply
#5
Dale,

Thanks for your comments. The flower is actually called the blue-spike milkwort. Reading back, I can see how ‘thorn-flowers’ could cause confusion.

Titles have never been my strong point!

I’ll give some thought to your other comments.

Best,
EWO.
Reply
#6
At least I like the size of the piece.


Even in basic a one liner is considered insufficient critique.  Please offer more.  Thank you!  —Quix/admin
Reply
#7
I really like the usage of metaphor and the simplicity of the poem. But could you explain the choice of milkwort and blue thorn flower? Also, does imagined refer to a sense of panic?
Otherwise, I love the parallels drawn and the wordplay. Beautifully done Smile
Reply




Users browsing this thread: 1 Guest(s)
Do NOT follow this link or you will be banned from the site!