Emily the death of me
#1
Emily the death of me (revised: Duke, tiger, jmweise, knot)

“Because I could not stop for Death” *
he would not stop for me
refusing pleas for extra time
he took unwilling me.
So please take heed my mortal friends
and yield your foolish pride
and if you greet him properly
he just might let you slide.


________________________________
original

“Because I could not stop for Death” *
he would not stop for me
refusing pleas for more time
he took unwilling me.
So please take heed my mortal friends
yield your foolish pride
and if you greet him properly
he just might let you slide.


*direct quote from Dickinson 479 first line


©2010 erthona
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?

The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
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#2
(03-03-2020, 06:36 AM)Erthona Wrote:  Emily the death of me

“Because I could not stop for Death” *
he would not stop for me
refusing pleas for more time
he took unwilling me.
So please take heed my mortal friends
yield your foolish pride
and if you greet him properly
he just might let you slide.


*direct quote from Dickinson 479 first line


©2010 erthona

An interesting argument for stopping, not only to smell the roses, but to respectfully ponder their fate. I do itch to insert "up" after "yield" and something to line 3, but a slightly tattered meter befits a warning ghost.

Nice.


The signature in invisible ink is also nicely ghostly.
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#3
Duke,

Good idea to juxtapose, it could work either way. I just have a preference for a shorter line there and for me I guess the "yield up" seems to beg the question of to whom.

This is ballad meter, so yes line three "refusing pleas for more time" needs a syllable between "pleas" and "more", but I have no solution that does not seem forced. Do you have a suggestion?

Ah yes, the CR line, mostly for me. I do that in all of my poems. How did you notice it?

Thanks for giving it a look.


dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?

The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
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#4
Hey Dale. Good to see you around. I assumed the two short lines were purposeful so I was (sort of) ok with them. I generally wouldn't make suggestions, but since you asked... I think "for further time" might work without sounding as though it's filler. The other short line is fine with me if it's fine with you. If meter were the only priority "and yield" wouldn't kill it for me either.
Paul
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#5
My brain likes poetry with rhyme, and with minimal training in rhyme and meter it's quite likely I'll inadvertently write tattered lines.  I've been working to correct any such lines in my poems, but that effort could be more complicated if a tattered line might actually be valuable.  Anyway...

For the two lines being discussed, adding a syllable to each will produced a consistency of A/B lines with 8/6 "feet" throughout the poem.  For the first one, I've thought "for added time" could be a choice; for the second, "yield up" certainly works but so would a change in verb, to such as "give up" or "let go".

More important to me is the dichotomy the poem presents regarding death. In the first four lines, the view is that no pleas can change the inevitable.  Lines 5-8 however, suggest that an appropriate approach to the  inevitable might get you something. Well, you still get the inevitable, but maybe more on your terms - if you've developed the proper greeting?
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#6
(03-04-2020, 07:31 AM)Erthona Wrote:  Duke,

Good idea to juxtapose, it could work either way. I just have a preference for a shorter line there and for me I guess the "yield up" seems to beg the question of to whom.

This is ballad meter, so yes line three "refusing pleas for more time" needs a syllable between "pleas" and "more", but I have no solution that does not seem forced. Do you have a suggestion?

Ah yes, the CR line, mostly for me. I do that in all of my poems. How did you notice it?

Thanks for giving it a look.


dale

Lately I've been looking at things in "source code" mode to get rid of the color and font cruft some word processors add.  It happened to turn up your white ink. (g)

Ending the line with "breath" is, perversely, inadmissible because of the rhyme with "Death."  Perhaps "refusing pleas for seconds more" or "moments more?"
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#7
.
Hi Dale,
lines 3 and 6 also make me a bit twitchy,
and I'm not sure the ending really delivers.


Just a thought


“Because I could not stop for Death” *
he would not stop for me
e'en though I wept and pled
he took unwilling me.
So do take heed my mortal friends
surrender foolish pride
for if you greet him properly
then gentle be the ride.




Best, Knot


.
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#8
Thanks for the input, knot, mjweise, tiger and Duke.

This was written in ballad meter, i.e alternating lines of iambic tetrameter and iambic trimeter with the second and fourth line rhyming.

The lines that do not meet this pattern are, "yield your foolish pride" and "refusing pleas for more time" as noted.

I intentionally made "yield your foolish pride" a headless line for emphasis. However it seems a problem so I may change it to "and yield your foolish pride" as Duke suggested earlier as the reading seems problematic for all.

"refusing pleas for more time" is an error as it is absent a syllable (good job for all who caught it), although I am at a loss as to how to fix it. Everything I can think of seems forced. The best so far is "refusing pleas (then)for more time. To me this still seems forced, but the line is problematic without such intervention, maybe tiger suggestion.

Knot,

I think "then gentle be the ride" misses the point which is to get Death not to take you. However it is a nice line and could be used in another poem.

"...then gentle be the ride," she said,
and softly took my hand
though cold it was and blue it was...

Maybe someone could finish it? Nice ballad meter practice.

"e'en though I wept and pled" is a syllable short for the line, trimeter rather than tetrameter.

Thanks again,

dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?

The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
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