London, how I long
#1
Edit 1 (dale)

London, how I long
to clear the rain with gloved fingers
from your face, and find a smile

to trace, a line
drawn upon
the sands of time

the reflected sun
on your waters of Lethe.

Original



London, how I long
to clear the rain with gloved fingers
from your face, and find a line

to trace, a smile that’s mine
to place amongst
the spoils of time.

Your hunger seasons the sun and moon 
on the waters of Lethe.

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#2
busker,

A nice little idyll, but could use some tightening up. However if you do not care for any critique, please feel free to ignore.

Maybe a semicolon after London rather than a comma. The rest of the commas could be deleted, this would help with readability.

"to trace, a smile that’s mine" -> to trace my smile

First line maybe "London; how I long to clear" Obvious line break after "clear"

This reminds me a little of "fog" by Sandburg.


best,

dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?

The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
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#3
Thanks, Dale.
I wish I could write something half as good as Fog!

This piece requires some rewriting. I'll soak in some feedback and get back to it.
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#4
Edit posted
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#5
Nice edit, I like it. Good work.

dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?

The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
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