Jordan Peterson - edit2
#1
Jordan Peterson

He floated comatose, becalmed
by physical dependency
benzodiazepine induced,
in artificial peace.

He rises pale but powerful,
addiction cured in Russian sleep,
bright river of uncommon sense
hostility had dammed.




edit1;

He floated comatose, detached,
forgetting poisoned memory
of artificial peace.

He rises pale and sensible,
bright river of clear common sense
its enemies had dammed.

original version;

Jordan’s River


He slept to quell his agony
of brain and nerves remembering
benzodiazepine prescribed
to soothe his sharp anxiety
provoked by baseless infamy
to lotus-eater’s calm.

He slept, submerged by Russian drugs
in dreamless gray unconsciousness,
as if in Lethe’s after-death
forgetting while his doctors cleansed
his body’s poisoned memory
of artificial peace.

Now he emerges, sensitive
and sensible as ever, knaves
deriding him for weakness they
exploited to dam up his words
of common sense they cannot bear
when Jordan’s wisdom flows.



This probably belongs in Miscellaneous, the old outward-facing board, but it's a shame about the politics involved... and anyway, it's pretty raw and could use a good critiquing.
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#2
Although very poetic "to lotus-eater’s calm" seems redundant.

"after-death" could probably be cut and just go with " Lethe’s...
forgetting"

"knaves" could probably be dropped to the next line and the comma before it excised.

"Jordan's river" implies the country Jordan has a unspecified river. However, the most famous river in Jordan is the "Jordan river", no possessive. For me at least it muddies the water Smile

Although titled"Jordan’s River", the river does not seem to be the "he" of the poem. Obviously you are making some kind of illusion, but it completely bypasses me. In the end I really have no idea what this is about. Am I just dense? I would appreciate enlightenment.

best,


dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?

The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
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#3

It's about Jordan Peterson, the psychologist/philosopher, who was placed in an induced coma while Russian doctors detoxed him from prescription mood-control drugs to which he'd become physically addicted.

Good critique - as usual, I probably leaned too hard on meter.  Thanks!

(02-17-2020, 01:31 PM)Erthona Wrote:  Although very poetic "to lotus-eater’s calm" seems redundant.

"after-death" could probably be cut and just go with " Lethe’s...
forgetting"

"knaves" could probably be dropped to the next line and the comma before it excised.

"Jordan's river" implies the country Jordan has a unspecified river. However, the most famous river in Jordan is the "Jordan river", no possessive. For me at least it muddies the water Smile

Although titled"Jordan’s River", the river does not seem to be the "he" of the poem. Obviously you are making some kind of illusion, but it completely bypasses me. In the end I really have no idea what this is about. Am I just dense? I would appreciate enlightenment.

best,


dale
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#4
.
Hi duke,
reluctant to dip my toes into this one, but feel better after the spoiler.
Perhaps my main suggestion would be to switch the order of the first
and second verses: it would seem to make more narrative sense.
Second, put it in the present tense (it would then flow better into S3,
I think.


He sleeps. Submerged by Russian drugs
in dreamless gray unconsciousness,
as if in Lethe’s after-death
- L2/3 essentially say the same thing. L3 is the stronger of
the two (is there an intended pun here? If so, why not '[modifier] waters'
instead of 'after-death'?)
Is it known that his sleep was 'dreamless'?
forgetting while his doctors cleansed
- 'forgetting' feels a little redundant after 'Lethe'
... by Russian drugs
as in Lethe's waters, while
his doctor's cleanse his body,
with it's poisoned memory ...
his body’s poisoned memory
of artificial peace.


He slept to quell his agony
- Not sure about 'quell'
Maybe ...
He sleeps. To quell the agony
of brain and nerves remembering
Benzodiazepine administered
to stifle sharp anxiety
...
of brain and nerves remembering
Benzodiazepine prescribed
to soothe his sharp anxiety
provoked by baseless infamy
- I'm guessing you need the biographical knowledge
to understand this line. Does it refer to the motivation
for his addiction? A bit of light googling throws up a
'food allergy' and/or 'wife's cancer' as the original reason/s
for the drugs.
to lotus-eater’s calm.


S3 seems rather weak (in comparison).
The 'hail the conquering hero' tone doesn't really
work after the first two verses. It's too much rant
too little poetry Smile
Perhaps something that starts with
He wakes. To a world of mockery
...?


Best, Knot


.
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#5
edit;

Jordan Peterson


He floated comatose, detached,
forgetting poisoned memory
of artificial peace.

He rises pale and sensible,
bright river of clear common sense
its enemies had dammed.




Thanks to both critics.  A fairly radical revision, but the subject seems to demand simplicity and clarity rather than classical allusions now you mention it.

The knaves are gone, replaced by enemies of common sense - some might say a greater knavery.   Trolls, we all know.
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#6
.
Hi duke,
the revision has a lot of merit, but I do find I'm missing some of the details (the specific drugs, the Russians for instance, and the new title
rather undercuts the impact of the 'river' image.)

detached, forgetting - niggles at me a bit. If the former, how the latter? Probably just me.
Would 'memories' work (seems to give a slightly more fluid phrase than the singular).
Perhaps have this verse in the present tense also?

I think 'clear common sense' is over-egging this particular pudding (especially after 'sensible' - nicely played by the way Smile
- compos mentis/speaking clearly, sensibly).
(you risk a groan with the pun at the end, but I think it's worth it Smile )


He rises pale and sensible,
a bright river
his enemies have failed to damn


Best, Knot



.
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#7
edit2;

He floated comatose, becalmed
by physical dependency
benzodiazepine induced,
in artificial peace.

He rises pale but powerful,
addiction cured in Russian sleep,
bright river of uncommon sense
hostility had dammed.


Thanks for the continued critique.  Adding back the suggested elements, plus some rewording and rearranging.


(02-23-2020, 09:48 PM)Knot Wrote:  .
Hi duke,
the revision has a lot of merit, but I do find I'm missing some of the details (the specific drugs, the Russians for instance, and the new title
rather undercuts the impact of the 'river' image.)

detached, forgetting - niggles at me a bit. If the former, how the latter? Probably just me.
Would 'memories' work (seems to give a slightly more fluid phrase than the singular).
Perhaps have this verse in the present tense also?

I think 'clear common sense' is over-egging this particular pudding (especially after 'sensible' - nicely played by the way Smile
- compos mentis/speaking clearly, sensibly).
(you risk a groan with the pun at the end, but I think it's worth it Smile )


He rises pale and sensible,
a bright river
his enemies have failed to damn


Best, Knot



.
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