Demons
#1
I told myself there were demons in my skin
Forcing me to sin
Wearing me
And wearing me thin

And every grin was fake
And every sob and shake
Were lies
And I would wish that I could die

But there aren't any demons in my skin
Because no one else can own my sins
And as I stare in that damned mirror
It draws clearer, ever nearer
Truth that I would hide

I would claw away my hide
And flay this fake face to pay
Whatever god keeps my guilt to cast it away
Or else burn it on some altar
Alter my mistakes, my dross, to gold

But I am that dross, I am that demon
I am the sin, the plague, the stain
That touches all I wear
And nothing white remains

Turn me into ashes, silence all my sins,
Give me to the silence,
Which silence always wins
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#2
I really like the rhymes, but sometimes it may get cheesy 'and nothing white remains', 'truth that I would hide' but its nice and interesting in the 4th block ending in gold. And 'which' at the end doesn't seem to work in my mind. What about 'since silence always wins'. Anyways hope this helps thank you for posting
Peanut butter honey banana sandwiches
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#3
This is surprisingly good. If only you could remain in silence forever afterwards. I have a demon, I call it Fat Fuck. And since demons by nature come in plural, see DEMOcracy, and tend to legion, I have another name for It that I won't say because of political correctness. Your poem is unintentionally subtle and nuanced, which has points. The demons in skin is a favorable plus. They're in the skin, POSSIBLY in the nerves. I like that bit of your poem.
You told yourself. Haha. OK.

Good. I'd say just realize the clichés and own those parts of ye. And work from there. Context is five percent the law. 
If you know all this . . . You're well on your way to poetry.         don't,    you do now. 
If you

And silence is part of your poem. "Silence", you see. That actually is. The idea of silence in the face of DEMONS is a strong starting point for this theme. I'm not just being silly.

The Way is how you work on your rhymes. That's the TAO of it.
The rhymes work in this context. But if you don't make a blatant and awkwardly clever style out of it, it won't

"And I would wish that I could die"

See how I mean?

Which silence always wins.
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#4
(02-15-2020, 02:11 AM)rowens Wrote:  This is surprisingly good. If only you could remain in silence forever afterwards. I have a demon, I call it Fat Fuck. And since demons by nature come in plural, see DEMOcracy, and tend to legion, I have another name for It that I won't say because of political correctness. Your poem is unintentionally subtle and nuanced, which has points. The demons in skin is a favorable plus. They're in the skin, POSSIBLY in the nerves. I like that bit of your poem.
You told yourself. Haha. OK.

Good. I'd say just realize the clichés and own those parts of ye. And work from there. Context is five percent the law. 
If you know all this . . . You're well on your way to poetry.         don't,    you do now. 
If you

And silence is part of your poem. "Silence", you see. That actually is. The idea of silence in the face of DEMONS is a strong starting point for this theme. I'm not just being silly.

The Way is how you work on your rhymes. That's the TAO of it.
The rhymes work in this context. But if you don't make a blatant and awkwardly clever style out of it, it won't

"And I would wish that I could die"

See how I mean?

Which silence always wins.

Thank you for your feedback! I find some parts of what you said a little confusing, though. I feel like I need to decode the way you write.
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#5
Well, your poem made me feel something. And that led me to think. Which led me to write/speak.
And I guess we all have to work from there. Absorb. Digest. Improvise. Keep silence. That's the advice I give myself, and don't take.

I think about the word confusing, or confusion. Con seems bad, fusion seems integral. Together, it seems kind of fundamentally and deliciously obvious. If a girl's going to get a tattoo, it should be that.
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