Government Funding
#1
coffee stained tears fall on ‘past due’
mountains of blankets to combat the cold
fighting off the third flu          this month
admiring the freedom of the mold       crawling along bedroom walls
 
unwashed clothes, empty tube of toothpaste
ratted hair, dishes of rice and instant noodles
mice, lice, piles, and piles of waste
just waiting for that student loan approval
 
that never comes 
what's the point of government funding
if they expect it to be paid by your mom
mr. grim showing suspicious sympathy
 
do i want to eat or have friends?
do i have enough for this internet bill?
how far can i bend?
 
“the number you are trying to reach is out of service”
“your payment was declined”
staying calm on the surface
nothing is better timed      than the humiliation
how will i survive?
Reply
#2
I love the desperation that you frame so well with here. As a student who can only attend university thanks to FAFSA, I understand some little fraction of the poverty this talks about. I have a few notes on spelling and potential typos:

"fighting off the third flu his month" -- I'm guessing "his" should be "this?"

"ratted hair" -- is this a thing? I believe the phrase is "matted hair," although "ratted" fits the theme better if it's a real word. "Ratty hair" is a phrase I see used, so you might consider "ratty hair" instead of "ratted hair."

"nothing is better timed then the humiliation" -- "then" should be "than" in this case, because the word is probably being used comparatively (humiliation is better timed than everything), rather than temporally (nothing is better timed, and then the humiliation begins).

Oh, gosh, I love the line "admiring the freedom of the mold crawling along bedroom walls." Normally, I'm not a fan of using spacing to make a point in poetry, but it works so well right here! My major is in engineering, so take my words with a grain of salt, but it gives me the sensation of not only admiring the way the mold is free to crawl along bedroom walls, but also gives me the sensation of a person crawling along bedroom walls, looking for things they've misplaced because of the squalor they live in.

As a last note, I think the lack of capitalization really works for this poem, although I will note that it, as well as the spaces in the lines, pushed me away at first. Thank you for your contribution!
Reply
#3
(02-08-2020, 08:51 AM)spocktorock Wrote:  I love the desperation that you frame so well with here. As a student who can only attend university thanks to FAFSA, I understand some little fraction of the poverty this talks about. I have a few notes on spelling and potential typos:

"fighting off the third flu      his month" -- I'm guessing "his" should be "this?"

"ratted hair" -- is this a thing? I believe the phrase is "matted hair," although "ratted" fits the theme better if it's a real word. "Ratty hair" is a phrase I see used, so you might consider "ratty hair" instead of "ratted hair."

"nothing is better timed    then the humiliation" -- "then" should be "than" in this case, because the word is probably being used comparatively (humiliation is better timed than everything), rather than temporally (nothing is better timed, and then the humiliation begins).

Oh, gosh, I love the line "admiring the freedom of the mold        crawling along bedroom walls." Normally, I'm not a fan of using spacing to make a point in poetry, but it works so well right here! My major is in engineering, so take my words with a grain of salt, but it gives me the sensation of not only admiring the way the mold is free to crawl along bedroom walls, but also gives me the sensation of a person crawling along bedroom walls, looking for things they've misplaced because of the squalor they live in.

As a last note, I think the lack of capitalization really works for this poem, although I will note that it, as well as the spaces in the lines, pushed me away at first. Thank you for your contribution!

Hey! Thanks so much yeah I transferred this from a word doc and some of the formatting and words seemed to have been cut off. Thanks for the feedback! I really appreciate it Smile  I know people used to 'Rat' their hair making it purposely messy but I wanted to build this very low-income scene of a kid out of their parent's place. I am going to comb through and see if I can play around with the spacing more (which was mostly to try to help keep a rhyme scheme
Reply
#4
Ugh, I love this for bad reasons. And this is just my feedback but the framing around the cut off words from the word doc doesn't work, I would try for normal spacing. Including even the mold part. Also "mr. grim" seems a little out of nowhere. Seems to be a very specific reference but may want to clarify a bit who it is.
Reply
#5
(02-08-2020, 03:19 PM)Poet26389 Wrote:  Ugh, I love this for bad reasons. And this is just my feedback but the framing around the cut off words from the word doc doesn't work, I would try for normal spacing. Including even the mold part. Also "mr. grim" seems a little out of nowhere. Seems to be a very specific reference but may want to clarify a bit who it is.

Hey, it’s the Grim reaper, thanks for your feedback!
Reply




Users browsing this thread: 1 Guest(s)
Do NOT follow this link or you will be banned from the site!