Before Lifting
#1
The room has brightened just enough 
to feel morning’s presence. 
Her shy, grey light brings edges to the shapes
blanketed by darkness moments before.

Soon the day will rise, 
and you will be pushed 
      into movement, 
      into noise,
      into decisions.

But for now, 
you can drift
under the soft shield of sheets
as their creamy lavender hue comes into focus.

The fragile weight of sleep’s peace has not yet lifted.
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#2
Nice. Very nice. Captures exactly the kind of thoughts I might have as I peel myself out of bed many a morn. I think the grouping and content of lines contribute greatly to the poem's power and charm. We are, however, conditioned by word processing to think of things that might be changed. What about:

- replacing "Her" (line 3) with "Its"
      ( Do we generally think of morning as a she? )

- adding "mere" between "darkness" and "moments" (line 4)
      ( Supports the evolution of day introduced by line 1 "just." )

( Lines 5 .. 9 are so powerful as is. Can't think of any way to improve them. )

- replacing "creamy" (line 13) with "dreamy"
      ( Creamy makes me think of a color, but one that doesn't go with lavender. )

- replacing "into focus" (line 13) with "alive"
      ( I think "into focus" is rather mechanical; "alive" helps with the poem's emotions. )

Finally, there is one thing I'd change, but I'm not sure how. When I clicked on the "Before Lifting" link to get to the poem, I got to something I wasn't expecting. Lines 1 .. 13 pertain to a "you" arising from slumber to meet the day. The last word in line 14, "lifted", is a verb acting on sleep's weight. While "lifted" is a clear link to the "Before Lifting" title, that title doesn't bring me to the images and emotions I find in the body of the poem.

I don't know how many re-readings I did to come to the rather minor changes listed above, but through all the time I've spent with your poem I haven't had any idea of what to do for a new title. So, maybe the muses are rightly saving any of their thoughts for you. If there's a "problem" with the title, maybe it's only mine. You decide. (But, I wouldn't want you to change line 14 at all. It's so powerful the way it is.)


(02-06-2020, 03:01 PM)magnoliaflower23 Wrote:  The room has brightened just enough 
to feel morning’s presence. 
Her shy, grey light brings edges to the shapes
blanketed by darkness moments before.

Soon the day will rise, 
and you will be pushed 
      into movement, 
      into noise,
      into decisions.

But for now, 
you can drift
under the soft shield of sheets
as their creamy lavender hue comes into focus.

The fragile weight of sleep’s peace has not yet lifted.
Reply
#3
(02-06-2020, 03:01 PM)magnoliaflower23 Wrote:  The room has brightened just enough 
to feel morning’s presence. 
Her shy, grey light brings edges to the shapes
blanketed by darkness moments before.this setting is described nicely but I think it distracts me from the poemy part.

Soon the day will rise, 
and you will be pushed 
      into movement, 
      into noise,
      into decisions. Maybe these three lines are get too specific, you're thinking about the weight of decisions, and telling me it's decisions, 

But for now, this line can be cut, too story telly
you can drift
under the soft shield of sheets
as their creamy lavender hue comes into focus.

The fragile weight of sleep’s peace has not yet lifted.

I'm struggling with fragile weight lifted.  It's nice to say the whole line together but then I twist thinking, what?  Maybe my problem is directional, rising, then pushing forward, I dunno, hope my thoughts help
Peanut butter honey banana sandwiches
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#4
(02-06-2020, 03:01 PM)magnoliaflower23 Wrote:  The room has brightened just enough 
to feel morning’s presence. 
Her shy, grey light brings edges to the shapes
blanketed by darkness moments before.

Soon the day will rise, 
and you will be pushed 
      into movement, 
      into noise,
      into decisions.

But for now, 
you can drift
under the soft shield of sheets
as their creamy lavender hue comes into focus.

The fragile weight of sleep’s peace has not yet lifted.

This was beautiful, I loved the indentation of "Into movement" etc. A few very minor notes to maybe try and play around with removing some words and see if you can make it more punchy/impactful (Its already fairly short but its a fun exercise) I also find the idea of your sheets and blankets being a sheild of safety a great image 

"shy, hesitant, grey light brings clarity to the shapes

engulfed by darkness moments before." (I like the imagery of the blanket sheild so much I wouldn't want to use it in this phrase"
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#5
You have created such a pleasing experience.  I prefer the feminine pronoun for the morning in the 3rd line. Personification is widely used, but with good reason and you do not abuse it here.  "Creamy" and "lavender" go great together so if there is an intentional purpose for using "creamy" that I am unaware of please feel free to keep it.  But, "dreamy" does seem to be a better word choice given the subject matter.  Lines 7, 8, and 9 are great.  I just wonder about switching the 7th and 8th line.  It is stupid but if you switched those lines the syllable count would sequentially increase.  It could sonically allude to the increasing awareness as we wake, or even represent the increasing heart rate as we raise from slumber.  It probably does not matter, nor is it likely to be noticed, but since syllables play an important part in poetry, even in non-metrical poems, I thought it might be worth mentioning.  Besides, personally when I get up I often make noises (and hear the noise that I am being pulled into) even before my movement begins.  The title is fantastic. The last line is fantastic. They play very well together, and I enjoy the concept of sleep being lifted away as I wake.  I believe the famous painting The Nightmare by Henry Fuseli illustrates the concept of sleep being upon us.  Obviously his is in a negative context, and that is why I love the simplistic beauty of your piece.  I had never thought of sleep as a weight in a positive connotation before.
Joshua J. Smith
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#6
Thank you so much to everyone for their thoughtful replies. This is the first time I have shared a poem publicly in a very long time, and the first time I have ever posted one online!! It was so meaningful and thrilling to receive feedback.
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