Your Blueberries
#1
Your Blueberries

Last week when I looked
inside our fridge
I saw that pint container
holding your blueberries.

I don't ever eat them
so there was still a handful left.
I should’ve thrown ‘em out
but I just couldn’t.

Yesterday our son came by
and cleaned up the fridge.
Then he kindly filled it
with food he knows I'll eat.

I open and close it,
and open it again,
but I just don’t see
the only thing I want.
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#2
.
Hi Mark,
enjoyed the read.  The 'simplicity' of the language works well.


Your Blueberries
- Any better title?

Last week when I looked
inside our fridge
I saw that pint container
holding your blueberries.
- I think the syntax is a little confusing, it reads as if what you see (primarily) is the container,
not the contents. Perhaps ...
When I looked inside
our fridge, last week,
I saw your blueberries
in that pint container.

I don't ever eat them
so there was still a handful left.
I should’ve thrown ‘em out
but I just couldn’t.
- not sure you need/want both 'don't' and 'never',
and you've them and 'em. Also, L3, isn't this something
the addressee would know? Again, maybe reorder ...
a handful left, going off
should have thrown them out
but I just couldn't.
don't know why

Yesterday our son came by
and cleaned up the fridge.
Then he and kindly filled it
with food he knows I'll eat.

I open and close it,
and open it again,
but I just don’t see
the only thing I want.
- There's a bit too much 'telling' in this verse
(the ending seems a little heavy handed)
and I think you might combine this and the
previous verse. Something like ...
Yesterday our son came by
cleaned and filled the fridge.
but amongst his kindness
I can't find what I want to eat.



Best, Knot


.
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#3
I enjoyed this. I can really see the characters. Knot makes good points as usual. I do think the last line overstates it. I would suggest: 

I open and close it,
and open it again,
but I just don’t see 
anything I want

We already know that his son filled the fridge with food he likes, so it’s evident to the reader it’s not food, but leaves enough ambiguity that maybe the narrator feels the lack, but doesn’t know what will fill it. 

Thanks,

(01-26-2020, 12:56 PM)Mark A Becker Wrote:  Your Blueberries

Last week when I looked
inside our fridge
I saw that pint container
holding your blueberries.

I don't ever eat them
so there was still a handful left.
I should’ve thrown ‘em out
but I just couldn’t.

Yesterday our son came by
and cleaned up the fridge.
Then he kindly filled it
with food he knows I'll eat.

I open and close it,
and open it again,
but I just don’t see
the only thing I want.
Reply
#4
Thanks for the comments and suggestions from both of you.   

I always appreciate criticism regarding grammar, syntax, and places where folks trip up, and I will attempt to make fixes.

That said, I can see that I'm still a ways from bringing this one home, because it really does not have that much to do with what I eat, or not.

Once again, my genuine thanks,
... Mark
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#5
Such a sweet and solemn piece.   It reminds me of a more common experience when someone longs to hear a voice that that they will never hear again. So they call that person’s phone in order to hear their voicemail, but the inevitable day comes when that number has been disconnected or reused. Even still we dial just hoping.  I do not know if the narrator is experiencing a permanent separation, but that is how I read this.  The word choices seem great to me.  The one minor qualm for me is the fact that the narrator refers to himself as “I” in over half the lines.  The focus seems to be on his personal  emotions, nevertheless, it seems slightly excessive to me.  Thankfully you put line 11 and 12 in this poem.  If you had not I would come away hating the son.  I still do not like what he did, but it is kind of hard for me to hate him knowing his intentions.  With something so simple as a container of fruit you have conveyed some poignant emotions.
Joshua J. Smith
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#6
I like the piece, it makes you think about the things you miss and reminders and the simple things in life. Like Joshua says it raises emotions from a very simple subject matter. Well done


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#7
I found this very moving, Mark. I agree with the points about syntax, which help your message come through stronger. The style is more talkative/explanatory that I would use myself, though it perhaps speaks to your individual voice. You could make it more abstract if you wished (example below), but not if it detracts from your personal style.

Blueberries brown in the pint container
you left half empty in our fridge

The last handful
I cannot bear to let go
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#8
I found this very powerful and raw. The last stanza was excellent and brought it together. I appreciate the simplicity of it and adds to its relatable loss.
The first two stanzas could be combined.

Suggestion:

Last week I saw the container
holding your blueberries.
Only a shriveled handful left
I couldn't throw them out.

Yesterday, our son came by.
He cleaned the fridge.
He filled it with foods
he knows I'll eat.

I open and close it,
and open it again,
but I just don’t see
the only thing I want.
Reply
#9
Honestly, this nearly brought me to tears. I'm still trying to swallow that knot down. I know exactly the picture you're trying to paint here and everyone else has mentioned the bits to work out. I can't wait to read the final piece.


Hello, welcome to the Pigpen!  Thank you for leaving feedback.  Please note that our different forums require different levels of feedback. This is the mild to moderate critique forum.  If you are going to offer critique in this forum, it needs to be more in-depth next time.  Thank you!  

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#10
(01-26-2020, 12:56 PM)Mark A Becker Wrote:  Your Blueberries

Last week when I looked
inside our fridge
I saw that pint container
holding your blueberries.

I don't ever eat them
so there was still a handful left.
I should’ve thrown ‘em out
but I just couldn’t.

Yesterday our son came by
and cleaned up the fridge.
Then he kindly filled it
with food he knows I'll eat.

I open and close it,
and open it again,
but I just don’t see
the only thing I want.

The smoothness and relatability in this piece was lovely, especially with how simplistic the verses are. I like the rewording Knot suggested for the 3rd stanza. Other than that, I see your message and overall thought this poem was lovely.

Hello, welcome to the Pigpen!  Thank you for leaving feedback.  Please note that our different forums require different levels of feedback. This is the mild to moderate critique forum.  If you are going to offer critique in this forum, it needs to be more in-depth next time.  Thank you!  

-Quix/admin
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