Pain
#1
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Trying to check my email today
I sit at my computer when I
Suddenly feel shards and rays
Up from my feet sharply pry


I rush for my pills to stop the awash
Of pain that I had not expected
It came on so fast that I was tossed
Into agony so deep it was never suspected


It seems to get worse day after day
Though meds I've been given
Docs don't have the guts to try and assay
The horrid world of pain that I live in


It seems new guidelines have been set
That keep docs from treating chronic pain
But their families won't feel bad I bet
They'll have relief from going insane


While the rest of us must try and go on
With our horrible lives forever
I wonder if life's worth this dreadful song
Should I try and pursue this vain endeavor


Truly in Christianity I sincerely believe
And have paid all my many dues
I ask God this painful condition to relieve
But so far all my prayers are refused


Nor for pity do I beg of you
But what is the right answer
Must I endure such a life untrue
I would rather just die of cancer
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#2
That seems like pain. Like something someone would say when feeling that way. It's not easy to talk about it as a poem. You could explore more of the doctors and God bit, as why would the doctors want to feel that kind of pain and why God would do anything about it.
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#3
(01-15-2020, 07:04 PM)jubshaw Wrote:  <!-- @page { margin: 0.79in } P { margin-bottom: 0.08in } -->
Trying to check my email today
I sit at my computer when I
Suddenly feel shards and rays
Up from my feet sharply pry

I rush for my pills to stop the awash
Of pain that I had not expected
It came on so fast that I was tossed
Into agony so deep it was never suspected

It seems to get worse day after day
Though meds I've been given
Docs don't have the guts to try and assay
The horrid world of pain that I live in

It seems new guidelines have been set
That keep docs from treating chronic pain
But their families won't feel bad I bet
They'll have relief from going insane

While the rest of us must try and go on
With our horrible lives forever
I wonder if life's worth this dreadful song
Should I try and pursue this vain endeavor

Truly in Christianity I sincerely believe
And have paid all my many dues
I ask God this painful condition to relieve
But so far all my prayers are refused

Nor for pity do I beg of you
But what is the right answer
Must I endure such a life untrue
I would rather just die of cancer


You seem to be using quatrains, but the abab rhyming scheme is loosely adhered to, and your lines have seemingly haphazardly gone from trimeter to hexameter and everything between.  It does not appear you were going for vers libre or sprung rhythm, but I am not able to ascertain what you were going for.  You did not use any punctuation.  The narrator also goes from "vain endeavor", and "shards" to "docs", "meds", and "feel bad".  There is very little cohesion to this, and although the theme of pain does run throughout there is very little to help us sense this pain.  What was the genesis of the pain, how does the pain make you feel (other than "bad"), how has it affected your life or the lives of those around you?  There are a lot of questions, and the narrator ask several also, but there are no answers; there is no progression.   Tell us a story, cause us endure what the subject endures, or ask and answer questions.  You do not need to do all of this, but something more is needed.  
Joshua J. Smith
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#4
n in intense pain.Thanks, for your comments, Joshua. You're right about the rhythm of the poem. I am a very new writer and just wrote this in a few minutes when I was suffering. I have fibromyalgia and other problems that make my muscles tighten up especially in cold damp weather. I have attempted suicide twice because of the constant pain and I really don't know how much longer I can go on. I am right-handed and am losing the use of my right arm due to this matter. I also played the piano but that is slowly being taken away from me. I don't know how to put all this in the poem but I'll consider rewriting it with more details.
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#5
(01-16-2020, 04:12 PM)jubshaw Wrote:  n in intense pain.Thanks, for your comments, Joshua.  You're right about the rhythm of the poem. I am a very new writer and just wrote this in a few minutes when I was suffering.  I have fibromyalgia and other problems that make my muscles tighten up especially in cold damp weather. I have attempted suicide twice because of the constant pain and I really don't know how much longer I can go on.  I am right-handed and am losing the use of my right arm due to this matter. I also played the piano but that is slowly being taken away from me. I don't know how to put all this in the poem but I'll consider rewriting it with more details.
I have lost my father to suicide, and a dear friend of mine lost his marriage in large part because of fibromyalgia.  I have been associated with others who deal with these same issues.  These tragic concepts are wonderful material for writing.  When writing almost anything you want the reader to feel something.  These issues carry with them intense emotions.  It is very difficult to relay such deep feelings.
Joshua J. Smith
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