Contentment
#1
Oh the wind! how it must feel
When stormy tempest clouds 
No longer blue sky conceal.
While underneath thunder clouds shroud,
Striking black tormented sod with light surreal.

I, no longer bound to ground,
Nor vile bog, or dank mire
Confound the wise men’s dumb sound
Which fail to admire my attire,
And scoff my size  for their contempt doth abound.

Alas, let foolish fools shriek
For they will never cease. 
Solace is all that I seek,
And in solitude resides peace.
Therefore let boorish boors critique this weak physique.

Surely tonight is the night
I ascend this aplite.
Myself removed far from sight;
Never to trod upon this blight.
On the wings of a flightless bird I take my flight.



Oh the wind! how it must feel
When stormy tempest clouds 
No longer blue sky conceal.
While underneath thunder clouds shroud,
Striking black tormented sod with light surreal.

I, no longer bound to ground,
Nor vile bog, or dank mire,
Confound the wise men’s dumb sound
Which fail to admire my attire,
And scoff my size – for their contempt doth abound.

Alas, let foolish fools shriek
For they will never cease. 
Solace is all that I seek,
And in solitude resides peace.
Therefore let boorish boors critique this weak physique.

Surely tonight is the night
To attain a new height.
Myself removed far from sight;
Never to trod upon this blight.
On the wings of a flightless bird I take my flight.
Joshua J. Smith
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#2
I loved this poem apart from the last verse where I felt that the language changed and became more simple which didn't seem to fit in the mood of the whole poem which was quite dark and moody. I really liked the 2nd verse it is a really clever use of language.
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#3
(01-14-2020, 02:25 AM)PoetSteve134 Wrote:  I loved this poem apart from the last verse where I felt that the language changed and became more simple which didn't seem to fit in the mood of the whole poem which was quite dark and moody. I really liked the 2nd verse it is a really clever use of language.

Thank you for your points, and your comments.  Should you have the time I would be thrilled to hear you expound upon some of the specifics of the last stanza's missteps.  I believe it would be valuable information for me.  Thanks again for letting me know what you liked, and what you did not.
Joshua J. Smith
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#4
(01-12-2020, 04:48 PM)Joshua Smith Wrote:  Oh the wind! How it must feel
When stormy tempest clouds 
No longer blue sky conceal.
While underneath thunder clouds shroud,
Striking black tormented sod with light surreal.

I, no longer bound to ground,
Nor vile bog, or dank mire,        The comma after "mire" seems to interrupt the continuation into "confound". I think it would sound smoother without the comma, or with a period instead. 
Confound the wise men’s dumb sound
Which fail to admire my attire,
And scoff my size – for their contempt doth abound.

Alas, let foolish fools shriek
For they will never cease. 
Solace is all that I seek,
And in solitude resides peace. 
Therefore let boorish boors critique this weak physique.

Surely tonight is the night
I ascend towards my goal and attain a new height. (Maybe goal isn't the best word but I think the idea of ascension or ascending would fit really well here!)
Myself removed far from sight;
Never to trod again upon this blight.
On the wings of a flightless bird I take my flight.




I think this poem is very thoughtful and brings forth strong imagery. It seems like a great poem to read aloud and I enjoyed reading it, thanks for sharing. 
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#5
Thank you, magnoliaflower23, for your thoughts. I have made a couple of changes as a result of some of the remarks. This is meant to be heard aloud so I am grateful you mentioned that.
Joshua J. Smith
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#6
(01-12-2020, 04:48 PM)Joshua Smith Wrote:  for me there are too many words. too much filler that weaken the poem. i'll just do an example of what i mean with the verse;

The wind! how it must feel'
stormy tempest clouds
No longer blue sky. conceal.[b] what is [conceal doneing apart for rhyming with feel?
underneath a thunder clouds shroud,
Striking black tormented sod with light.
another word for surreal before light, trident light or stabbing light or something along those lines. light surreal feels forced.

Contentment

Oh the wind! how it must feel
When stormy tempest clouds
No longer blue sky conceal.
While underneath thunder clouds shroud,
Striking black tormented sod with light surreal.

I, no longer bound to ground,
Nor vile bog, or dank mire
Confound the wise men’s dumb sound
Which fail to admire my attire,
And scoff my size — for their contempt doth abound.

Alas, let foolish fools shriek
For they will never cease.
Solace is all that I seek,
And in solitude resides peace.
Therefore let boorish boors critique this weak physique.

Surely tonight is the night
I ascend this aplite.
Myself removed far from sight;
Never to trod upon this blight.
On the wings of a flightless bird I take my flight.
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#7
(02-15-2020, 02:12 AM)billy Wrote:  [b]what is [conceal doneing apart for rhyming with feel?[/b]


There are two perspectives of the narrator that are revealed by the word, "conceal".  The first is N's literal physical perspective.  The second is N's psychological perspective at that moment.  The entire line gives context to the final word, but it is the final word that these two important points hinge upon.  There are other lines and words throughout the poem that reinforce and exemplify the narrator's point of view, but it is line 3 and specifically "conceal" that reveal and establish this early on in the piece.
Joshua J. Smith
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#8
Beginning each line with a cap is an affectation that has fallen by the wayside with modern printing techniques. It is of course still used in academic textbooks because that was how it originally appeared. It serves no purpose today. However, to someone in school studying such poetry it may appear it is still in vogue. It is not. I used to do the same thing as no one tells you that it is no longer used. Another reason not to use it is it makes the reading more difficult as each line appears to start a new sentence.
In school I read a lot of the English Romantics which of course had the lines capped and so I thought that was the way it should be. I eventually realized it was not and so I dropped it. Of course it wasn't easy as I was accustomed to that style. After fighting that and other conventions I had picked up in school I eventually moved into the current age Smile

Just thought I'd point that out.
_____________________________________

On the "conceal issue. It is either "skies conceal" or "sky conceals". That might help clear up some the problematic nature of the line.

Although I am a proponent of brevity, sometimes cutting too much can obscure, such as in the line:

"I, no longer bound to ground,
Nor vile bog, or dank mire"

alternative:

"I am no longer bound to the ground
vile bog or dank mire. "

The "no longer" continues to apply to the entire sentence, so the "nor" is redundant.

As this is basic I probably have gone on too long, so I shall stop.

best,

dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?

The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
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#9
(02-17-2020, 03:16 PM)Erthona Wrote:  Beginning each line with a cap is an affectation that has fallen by the wayside with modern printing techniques. It is of course still used in academic textbooks because that was how it originally appeared. It serves no purpose today. However, to someone in school studying such poetry it may appear it is still in vogue. It is not. I used to do the same thing as no one tells you that it is no longer used. Another reason not to use it is it makes the reading more difficult as each line appears to start a new sentence.
In school I read a lot of the English Romantics which of course had the lines capped and so I thought that was the way it should be. I eventually realized it was not and so I dropped it. Of course it wasn't easy as I was accustomed to that style. After fighting that and other conventions I had picked up in school I eventually moved into the current age Smile

Just thought I'd point that out.

This year's Poetry Issue for February features Angela Jackson's "More Than Meat and Raiment".  There are even recent Nobel laureates whose published works will incorporate this affectation into their work.  Even in contemporary poetry today there are those, who are heavily lauded for their work, that find it has purpose for them and some others around the world.  There is no doubt that line capitalization is much less common, but it does seem to have a place in today's poetry beyond appearances in academic textbooks.  
_____________________________________

On the "conceal issue. It is either "skies conceal" or "sky conceals". That might help clear up some the problematic nature of the line.

The tempestuous clouds are doing the concealing.  There is a substantial distance between the subject of conceal and conceal's placement in the poem.  The misplaced modifier is intentional, and it is not the only grammatical mishap by the narrator (we are talking about a flightless bird going off to fly).  I realize that my usage is grammatically incorrect, but I was still anticipating the majority would be able to infer the link between "clouds" and "conceal" through alliteration, using them both as sequential end line words, and the logic that clear skies tend to conceal less than dark clouds. 


Although I am a proponent of brevity, sometimes cutting too much can obscure, such as in the line:

"I, no longer bound to ground,
Nor vile bog, or dank mire"

alternative:

"I am no longer bound to the ground
vile bog or dank mire. "

The "no longer bound to ground, nor vile bog, or dank mire" is a nonessential appositive phrase. The verb "Confound" is tied to "I".  


The "no longer" continues to apply to the entire sentence, so the "nor" is redundant.

Hopefully the redundancy is abundant. Some of the other instances are: stormy/tempest, stormy tempest clouds/thunder clouds, ground/bog/mire, foolish/fools, boorish/boors, and solace/peace. Plus, some of the lines repeat or rephrase already established concepts.  This piece use to have "nor" three times.


As this is basic I probably have gone on too long, so I shall stop.

best,

dale

Thank you for the information and the points which you brought out.  I am glad that you read this, and am even more pleased that you decided to comment.
Joshua J. Smith
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#10
(01-12-2020, 04:48 PM)Joshua Smith Wrote:  Oh the wind! how it must feel
When stormy tempest clouds 
No longer blue sky conceal.
While underneath thunder clouds shroud,
Striking black tormented sod with light surreal.

I, no longer bound to ground,
Nor vile bog, or dank mire
Confound the wise men’s dumb sound
Which fail to admire my attire,
And scoff my size  for their contempt doth abound.

Alas, let foolish fools shriek
For they will never cease. 
Solace is all that I seek,
And in solitude resides peace.
Therefore let boorish boors critique this weak physique. (Why the same rhymes? I find that odd? Is it a poetic form I am not understanding?)

Surely tonight is the night
I ascend this aplite.
Myself removed far from sight;
Never to trod upon this blight.
On the wings of a flightless bird I take my flight. (Same here again.)



Oh the wind! how it must feel
When stormy tempest clouds 
No longer blue sky conceal.
While underneath thunder clouds shroud,
Striking black tormented sod with light surreal.

I, no longer bound to ground,
Nor vile bog, or dank mire,
Confound the wise men’s dumb sound
Which fail to admire my attire,
And scoff my size – for their contempt doth abound.

Alas, let foolish fools shriek
For they will never cease. 
Solace is all that I seek,
And in solitude resides peace.
Therefore let boorish boors critique this weak physique.

Surely tonight is the night
To attain a new height.
Myself removed far from sight;
Never to trod upon this blight.
On the wings of a flightless bird I take my flight.
And some of the words you use are archaic which I am not a fan of, you should revise this and try again, thanks for sharing though!
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#11
"This year's Poetry Issue for February features Angela Jackson's "More Than Meat and Raiment". There are even recent Nobel laureates whose published works will incorporate this affectation into their work. Even in contemporary poetry today there are those, who are heavily lauded for their work, that find it has purpose for them and some others around the world. There is no doubt that line capitalization is much less common, but it does seem to have a place in today's poetry beyond appearances in academic textbooks."

My problem with that is what is the rationale for such usage? People used to leave off all caps (thanks to ee cummings) even though there was no true rationale to do so, except they may have thought it looked more poetic which is not an adequate rationale. This goes to poetic integrity and just because a lot people do it, does not justify doing so (they also used to center justify, the only valid reason for that is concrete poetry where one is trying to create an image). As the point of poetry to present the truth in all its multifaceted ways, I cannot personally justify using affected typesetting that only serves to obscure that communication. Of course there are many who would argue that idea.

best,

dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?

The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
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#12
(02-26-2020, 02:23 PM)Erthona Wrote:  My problem with that is what is the rationale for such usage? People used to leave off all caps (thanks to ee cummings) even though there was no true rationale to do so, except they may have thought it looked more poetic which is not an adequate rationale. This goes to poetic integrity and just because a lot people do it, does not justify doing so (they also used to center justify, the only valid reason for that is concrete poetry where one is trying to create an image). As the point of poetry to present the truth in all its multifaceted ways, I cannot personally justify using affected typesetting that only serves to obscure that communication. Of course there are many who would argue that idea. 

best,

dale

You would have to ask them about their rationale.  I am not one that should presume the rationale of others, but I do presume that a significant amount, if not a majority, do it with intention.  As for me, I probably tend to use every line capitalization more often than not.  My rationale tends to vary depending on which piece it is applied to.  For "Contentment" I am trying to emphasize the individual lines within the piece.  Line capitalization, seems to me, to help readers focus on the line itself. End stopping the lines also seems to aid in that focus.  Originally, I had punctuation at the end of every line.  I have had several remarks about the excessive punctuation so I have removed a few marks, but the majority still have something.  Possibly that is something I should not have changed.  Any rational look at all of humanity or the entire world must acknowledge the depravity, despair, corruption, and degradation.  So how can their be contentment among such contemptible attributes?  I believe that if we try to focus on the beauty, kindness, love, and compassion that exists in the small everyday instances most of us encounter then we can take one more step towards genuine contentment.  The narrator obviously does not do this, but in the lines in which N describes the environment N could have talked about the green rolling hills instead of being bound to the ground, or the beautifully eerie trees of the bog instead of just calling it vile.  The lines by themselves even outside of the whole sentence hopefully have meaning and impact. But, is that not a major difference between poetry and prose?  By utilizing a capital letter at the beginning of every line I am saying, "Here is a new line, a line of opportunity, the opportunity to find beauty or dismiss beauty".  The Narrator chooses to dismiss, and that is what makes it a fun piece for me; the threshing out of the consequences of discontentment, albeit extreme discontentment.


Thank you for the questions.  It is very enjoyable to discuss such matters.
Joshua J. Smith
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#13
Joshua,

I always enjoy a good discussion about poetry. Thanks for the response.

best,

dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?

The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
Reply
#14
I love the mood and tone of this piece.....I agree with the previous reply which underscored the abrupt change in language
in the final stanza...this seemed to alter and betray the sublime imagery and lexicon which drives the work.
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#15
In the age of Coronavirus:

"On the wings of a flightless bird I take my flight."

Is a really good metaphor for our own history. Good work, man.
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