My Song Sung Blue-ish
#1
This poem is about Neil Diamond and a concert I went to a few years ago.

My Song Sung Blue-ish

Neil on stage, black jeans
shellacked on skinny, spindle legs.
Twinkling shirt,
bold lightening effects shoot 
across the stadium.

The audience  a mass of
grey hair, 
bifocals shimmering 
in reflected lights.
 
His voice, deeper,
these days, quarried  
gravel from Brooklyn mines. 
His "Song Sung Blue" 
Caroline was still sweet 
while Rosie crackled
to a stampede of feet.

I danced, knees stiff, 
voice straining, notes
intoned at slower beats. 

Some old wounds tricked 
out of memory, batter 
against the moment, 
strangle my joy. 

 I raise a fist in defiance. 
Yes, Neil, yes.
We are "Forever in Blue Jeans."
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#2
(01-06-2020, 12:03 AM)EmBee Wrote:  This poem is about Neil Diamond and a concert I went to a few years ago.

My Song Sung Blue-ish

Neil on stage, black jeans
shellacked on skinny, spindle legs.
Twinkling shirt,
bold lightening effects shoot I think "lightening" should be just "lighting".
across the stadium.

The audience  a mass of
grey hair, 
bifocals shimmering 
in reflected lights. I would cut "in".
 
His voice, deeper, I don't think there should be a second comma.
these days, quarried  
gravel from Brooklyn mines. I like the extension of the common metaphor.
His "Song Sung Blue" 
Caroline was still sweet 
while Rosie crackled
to a stampede of feet.

I danced, knees stiff, 
voice straining, notes
intoned at slower beats. "Notes intoned at slower beats" is very wordy, hard for me to picture.

Some old wounds tricked 
out of memory, batter 
against the moment, 
strangle my joy. This is nice, songs or smells always bring me back.

 I raise a fist in defiance. 
Yes, Neil, yes.
We are "Forever in Blue Jeans." Emphatic ending.

I enjoyed it, I'm more of a Young guy than a Diamond guy when it comes to Neil's, but anyone can relate to the narrators experience of old art that's been with them a while.

Welcome to the site as well.
"A hippopotamus is just a really cool opatamus."
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#3
(01-06-2020, 12:03 AM)EmBee Wrote:  This poem is about Neil Diamond and a concert I went to a few years ago.

My Song Sung Blue-ish

Neil on stage, black jeans  Do you need "Neil on stage"?  I believe the poem does a great job of illustrating who the narrator is talking about and where Neil is.  [b]"Neil on stage" is flat to me whereas "black jeans shellacked" seems like a much more barbed hook.[/b]
shellacked on skinny, spindle legs. For me you created a wonderfully vivid image your jeans description.
Twinkling shirt,
bold lightening effects shoot 
across the stadium.

The audience  a mass of   Is the extra space in front of "a" intended? Could you end the line on "mass" and move "of" down a line?
grey hair, 
bifocals shimmering 
in reflected lights.
 
His voice, deeper,
these days, quarried  "quarried gravel" is a wonderful phrase.
gravel from Brooklyn mines. 
His "Song Sung Blue" 
Caroline was still sweet 
while Rosie crackled
to a stampede of feet.

I danced, knees stiff, 
voice straining, notes 
intoned at slower beats. I project the way the narrator operates at the concert to everyone at the event and another beautiful image has been conveyed to me.

Some old wounds tricked Probably my favorite two lines.
out of memory, batter 
against the moment, I love how the enjambment of "tricked out" and "batter against" plays with the pause on "moment".
strangle my joy. 

 I raise a fist in defiance. Is the indention of "I" intentional?
Yes, Neil, yes.
We are "Forever in Blue Jeans."



I enjoyed how you interlaced the poem with song references and titles.  You did a great job of showing us the performer and his fans.  I am probably not the targeted audience you had in mind for this piece, but I still found a great deal of pleasure here.  If I have one thing that I did not enjoy as much it would be the lack of action.  Besides the verbs "tricked" and "batter" there are only a couple of instances where the verbs enjoyably convey a sense of action.  Notwithstanding it was well done, and I thank you for allowing me to read this.
Joshua J. Smith
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