Weigh In TW ED/ED RECOVERY
#1
“Step up” says the nurse
With the round stomach and cheeks
The metal weights slide behind me
I count the clicks as they go.
1, 2, 3, sigh
“Well we’ll tell the doctor”, disappointment


Thin paper gowns cover hip bones
That rise like mountains
A valley between them, ribs rise
Like waves out of the ocean 
Calm but ready for the approaching storm
The air feels like ice on my bare arms.


I’m cold, I’m always cold.
At home I curl up inside a nest of blankets
And heating pads for warmth
Like a baby bird clings to the underside of its mother
Layers of clothing hide me from the world
From being hurt


Dinner is a war fought by a family
Mother against daughter.
A struggle for power.
Each spoonful feels like defeat
But they call it victory
“Finish it all”


Pound by pound I work
At night I lay and feel my bones
As they disappear.
Have I given up or have I gotten stronger?
Why does recovery feel like losing?
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#2
hi recovery and thanks for the feedback elsewhere.

even though this is in basic critique, i'm going to do a bit more than that because i think it a good enough poem to warrant it.

first off i have no idea what TW ED/ED means. it sets up a stumbling block for me. even though i understand what the poem is about i keep going back to the title without being able to decipher it and it's a bit disconcerting to think i'm that stupid i can't understand it. Huh

to the poem;
the lines in quotes could stand better on their own with a line-space above and below.

some good strong imagery help me get into the personal aspect of the poem, it's not a woe is me poem but i feel the pain and the subtle cry for help. i love how you don't mention the disorder. i love how it feels there's envy of a fat belly in the first stanza. needs very little of an edit maybe remove a little wordage but overall a well constructed poem. well worthy of being in mild or intensive forums. thanks for the read.

(12-31-2019, 07:13 AM)RecoveryWarrior Wrote:  “Step up” says the nurse
With the round stomach and cheeks we all have cheeks, do you mean round? would another descriptor work better?
The metal weights slide behind me
I count the clicks as they go.
1, 2, 3, sigh
“Well we’ll tell the doctor”, disappointment.


Thin paper gowns cover hip bones [would gown covers] work better. though you'd need an A in front of thin
That rise like mountains solid image
A valley between them, ribs rise
Like waves out of the ocean
Calm but ready for the approaching storm the word calm feels like the opposite of rise in the previous line could [calm but] be removed
The air feels like ice on my bare arms. another good image and i like the continued water analogy


I’m cold, I’m always cold.
At home I curl up inside a nest of blankets
And heating pads for warmth
Like a baby bird clings to the underside of its mother love this line, it make you seem vulnerable and delicate
Layers of clothing hide me from the world
From being hurt


Dinner is a war fought by a family
Mother against daughter.
A struggle for power.
Each spoonful feels like defeat
But they call it victory
“Finish it all” this stanza is the heart of the poem and ties everything else together. for me as a reader here is the struggle


Pound by pound I work
At night I lay and feel my bones
As they disappear.
Have I given up or have I gotten stronger?
Why does
recovery feel(s) like losing? i think this is the weakest stanza. it feels a bit forced and is a little preachy mainly because of the last line.
Reply
#3
The TW ED thing was a trigger warning for the eating disorder (ED) content the title would only be Weigh In. I just didnt want someone to read this and get triggered by it.

Thank you for the feedback. I'll look at editing it a bit and maybe posting it in the more intensive levels!

(12-31-2019, 11:06 AM)billy Wrote:  hi recovery and thanks for the feedback elsewhere.

even though this is in basic critique, i'm going to do a bit more than that because i think it a good enough poem to warrant it.

first off i have no idea what TW ED/ED means. it sets up a stumbling block for me. even though i understand what the poem is about i keep going back to the title without being able to decipher it and it's a bit disconcerting to think i'm that stupid i can't understand it.  Huh

to the poem;
the lines in quotes could stand better on their own with a line-space above and below.

some good strong imagery help me get into the personal aspect of the poem, it's not a woe is me poem but i feel the pain and the subtle cry for help. i love how you don't mention the disorder. i love how it feels there's envy of a fat belly in the first stanza. needs very little of an edit maybe remove a little wordage but overall a well constructed poem. well worthy of being in mild or intensive forums. thanks for the read.

(12-31-2019, 07:13 AM)RecoveryWarrior Wrote:  “Step up” says the nurse
With the round stomach and cheeks we all have cheeks, do you mean round? would another descriptor work better?
The metal weights slide behind me
I count the clicks as they go.
1, 2, 3, sigh
“Well we’ll tell the doctor”, disappointment.


Thin paper gowns cover hip bones [would gown covers] work better. though you'd need an A in front of thin
That rise like mountains solid image
A valley between them, ribs rise
Like waves out of the ocean
Calm but ready for the approaching storm the word calm feels like the opposite of rise in the previous line could [calm but] be removed
The air feels like ice on my bare arms. another good image and i like the continued water analogy


I’m cold, I’m always cold.
At home I curl up inside a nest of blankets
And heating pads for warmth
Like a baby bird clings to the underside of its mother love this line, it make you seem vulnerable and delicate
Layers of clothing hide me from the world
From being hurt


Dinner is a war fought by a family
Mother against daughter.
A struggle for power.
Each spoonful feels like defeat
But they call it victory
“Finish it all”  this stanza is the heart of the poem and ties everything else together. for me as a reader here is the struggle


Pound by pound I work
At night I lay and feel my bones
As they disappear.
Have I given up or have I gotten stronger?
Why does
recovery feel(s) like losing? i think this is the weakest stanza. it feels a bit forced and is a little preachy mainly because of the last line.
Reply
#4
thing is it doesn't need to much of an edit so please don't kill it in the rewrite.
Reply
#5
(12-31-2019, 07:13 AM)RecoveryWarrior Wrote:  Hello, I appreciated your 'warrior' attitudes in your poem. It spoke directly and easily to what you're struggling with. I just have a few small points to make... see below.  Really enjoyed how your expressed yourself in this poem. 
M.



“Step up” says the nurse
With the round stomach and cheeks
The metal weights slide behind me
I count the clicks as they go.
1, 2, 3, sigh
“Well we’ll tell the doctor”, disappointment   I think a comma after the word well or perhaps a change to the word 'we'll'  It felt a little awkward to have those two words together. 


Thin paper gowns cover hip bones  I notice in this stanza that you are using the word 'like' several times. Perhaps a different way of expressing these ideas?
That rise like mountains
A valley between them, ribs rise
Like waves out of the ocean 
Calm but ready for the approaching storm
The air feels like ice on my bare arms.


I’m cold, I’m always cold.
At home I curl up inside a nest of blankets
And heating pads for warmth
Like a baby bird clings to the underside of its mother
Layers of clothing hide me from the world
From being hurt


Dinner is a war fought by a family
Mother against daughter.
A struggle for power.
Each spoonful feels like defeat
But they call it victory
“Finish it all”


Pound by pound I work     I think a period at the end of this line. 
At night I lay and feel my bones       Maybe:  "At night I lay and feel my bones disappear " and then take out the following line 'as they disappear" 
As they disappear.
Have I given up or have I gotten stronger?
Why does recovery feel like losing?
Reply




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