Generation Next
#1
Wink 
Hello, 
I'm a newbie. However, no need to be too gentile and kind... :-) 

Thanks for any and all help. 

Generation Next 

I am a prayer,risen
from tattooed numbers
burned blue into the future. 
Auschwitz and Dachau,
Europes's shtetles and D.P. camps. 
Death inhaled from grey ashes. 

I am the scarred remnants, 
burdened with life, 
attached by birth to burial 
grounds, fragile memorials
bone mountains. 

Kneeling on holy ground, 
stilled breath, smoky air, 
I carry the hallowed memories
into generation next. 

Blessed. Cursed. Eternal.
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#2
I am the scarred remnants,
burdened with life,
attached by birth to burial
grounds, fragile memorials
bone mountains.

That's the best chapter. Being new to the site, myslf.
There is no holy grounds. And the tattoos being forced, I can see, being blue.
I can see.

The em . . . , I wouldn't be so into Generation Next. If you were really there.
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#3
There's only one spot I struggled with here and that is
"Attached by birth to burial/ ground, fragile memorials" that break between burial and grounds throws me off a bit. I think you could change it to "attached by birth/ to burial grounds, fragile memorials" or to "attached by birth to burial grounds/ fragile memorials". Personally I like the second better as it let's fragile memorials sit on it's own which gives it it's own weight.
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#4
hi embee and welcome.

i had to look up shtetles [always good to learn something new]
not a lot i can see i'd want changing. a couple of excess words and the last line stood out as unneeded. everything we need is in the body of the poem which i enjoyed reading specially the lack of cliche.



(12-30-2019, 12:15 AM)EmBee Wrote:  Hello, 
I'm a newbie. However, no need to be too gentile and kind... :-) 

Thanks for any and all help. 

Generation Next 

I am a prayer,risen needs a space between the two last words.
from tattooed numbers is [from needed]?
burned blue into the future. 
Auschwitz and Dachau,
Europes's shtetles and D.P. camps. 
Death inhaled from grey ashes. 

I am the scarred remnants, 
burdened with life, 
attached by birth to burial 
grounds, fragile memorials
bone mountains. some solid imagery.

Kneeling on holy ground, 
stilled breath, smoky air, 
I carry the hallowed memories
into generation next. 

Blessed. Cursed. Eternal. not sure this line add anything, the poem shows a better image.
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#5
There were some lines in the poem that are good imagery and ones that weren't so much. There wasn't much to give a critique about it but I did give my critiques below.
(12-30-2019, 12:15 AM)EmBee Wrote:  Hello, 
I'm a newbie. However, no need to be too gentile and kind... :-) 

Thanks for any and all help. 

Generation Next 

I am a prayer,risen
from tattooed numbers (Put 'Is' here, you were missing that)
burned blue into the future. 
Auschwitz and Dachau,
Europes's shtetles and D.P. camps. 
Death inhaled from grey ashes. (Nice image!)

I am the scarred remnants, 
burdened with life, 
attached by birth to burial 
grounds, fragile memorials
bone mountains. (Solid imagery)

Kneeling on holy ground, 
stilled breath, smoky air, 
I carry the hallowed memories
into generation next. 

Blessed. Cursed. Eternal.
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#6
Thank you all for your input on this poem!
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#7
I would delete the comma from "I am a prayer risen".
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#8
I really liked this piece. I think you did a very good job balancing the emotional attention that this topic deserves with the respect and solemness that it also deserves. It wasn’t melodramatic, and the imagery used was creative and impactful. It has a message and a deeper meaning that the majority of other poems seem to lack, in my opinion. I disagree with the other criticisms regarding the word “is” in the second line. It seems to make sense to me the way I read it. I do think the last line should go, and I wonder if saying “the next generation” rather than “generation next” would be better. But otherwise I think it’s great.
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#9
[quote="Pinprick" pid='248000' dateline='1578193332']
I really liked this piece. I think you did a very good job balancing the emotional attention that this topic deserves with the respect and solemness that it also deserves. It wasn’t melodramatic, and the imagery used was creative and impactful. It has a message and a deeper meaning that the majority of other poems seem to lack, in my opinion. I disagree with the other criticisms regarding the word “is” in the second line. It seems to make sense to me the way I read it. I do think the last line should go, and I wonder if saying “the next generation” rather than “generation next” would be better. But otherwise I think it’s great.
[/quote

Thanks for your input and understanding the balance I was trying to achieve.  To explain, I used 'generation next' in order to place it within the frame of something like 'gen x' or gen. y... etc.  Thanks again... 

M. 
']
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#10
.
Hi Embee,
some strong stuff here, but a terrible title. Smile
(Just read your explantion to pinprick, it makes sense, but I'm not sure who will get it).

I could perhaps be tauter/tighter.

Just a thought


Custodian of Auschwitz,
Europes's shtetles,
[progeny] of D.P. camps.

remnant, burdened
by birth
[from] burial mounds

I am the prayer
[of] tattooed numbers
burning blue into the future.


Best, Knot.


ps. The 'gentile' pun was very nice too. Smile



.
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#11
Absolutely love the first line and many others , there is not much at all I would change,
It is strong has impactful lines and great images. The dark tone of the poem matched the content perfectly,
the last line though, seems to take me out of the mood you portrayed so well
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