Posts: 57
Threads: 11
Joined: May 2014
Below is a long running piece that I’ve never been quite satisfied with. At the bottom is an earlier draft. I prefer it’s language, but it doesn’t really get at the meaning. And the latest draft which comes much closer to what I was going for in terms of message, but maybe it feels a bit wordy.
Liberation Study
on the bus
a la universidad
we pass her out back
before the afternoon rains
a cross of weathered
board and nails
suspending line
and laundry
above hard-packed dust
clothespins braced
between her fingers and teeth
struggling against
billowing sheets
arms raised overhead
gathering bedding
singing
a survivor’s song
as the storm approaches
gust, snap
surety of faith
gust, snap
liberty of submission
gust, snap
dignity of the maternal
the wind shifts
through her loose strands of pelo
and her floral frock
gust, snap
lifts the veil
praising,
surrendering, or
hanging wash
- - - - - -
The Cross Out Back
a crucifix:
weathered board, nails
suspends line, laundry
30" above soil
a woman:
clothes pins braced
between fingers, teeth
praising,
surrendering,
or hanging wash
Posts: 5,057
Threads: 1,075
Joined: Dec 2009
i like the Spanish touch, when you mention the afternoon rains i'm minded of the Philippines as i am when reading the religious aspect of the piece. it works well for me as a study through a bus window though i felt the 4th stanza was overly dramatic and to much a change for the style to make it work well. if each stanza were alternated in this way i might work but as is i think reworking the 4th stanza into a similar style with the rest of the piece might benefit it better.
(12-29-2019, 02:57 AM)bbcashdollar Wrote: Below is a long running piece that I’ve never been quite satisfied with. At the bottom is an earlier draft. I prefer it’s language, but it doesn’t really get at the meaning. And the latest draft which comes much closer to what I was going for in terms of message, but maybe it feels a bit wordy.
Liberation Study
on the bus
a la universidad
we pass her out back
before the afternoon rains
a cross of weathered
board and nails
suspending line
and laundry
above hard-packed dust
clothespins braced
between her fingers and teeth
struggling against
billowing sheets
arms raised overhead
gathering bedding
singing
a survivor’s song
as the storm approaches
gust, snap
surety of faith
gust, snap
liberty of submission
gust, snap
dignity of the maternal
the wind shifts
through her loose strands of pelo
and her floral frock
gust, snap
lifts the veil
praising,
surrendering, or
hanging wash
- - - - - -
The Cross Out Back
a crucifix:
weathered board, nails
suspends line, laundry
30" above soil
a woman:
clothes pins braced
between fingers, teeth
praising,
surrendering,
or hanging wash
Posts: 60
Threads: 25
Joined: Jul 2017
(12-29-2019, 02:57 AM)bbcashdollar Wrote: Below is a long running piece that I’ve never been quite satisfied with. At the bottom is an earlier draft. I prefer it’s language, but it doesn’t really get at the meaning. And the latest draft which comes much closer to what I was going for in terms of message, but maybe it feels a bit wordy.
Liberation Study
on the bus simple location is, indeed, liberating
a la universidad direction as well------------spare and simple, yet italicized------ italics are liberating, in a sense
we pass her out back
before the afternoon rains
a cross of weathered
board and nails
suspending line
and laundry
above hard-packed dust
clothespins braced
between her fingers and teeth
struggling against
billowing sheets
arms raised overhead
gathering bedding
singing
a survivor’s song
as the storm approaches
gust, snap
surety of faith
gust, snap
liberty of submission
gust, snap
dignity of the maternal
the wind shifts
through her loose strands of pelo here is the lesson of the poem, something didactic, where the rest is pure elegance of description
and her floral frock
gust, snap
lifts the veil
praising,
surrendering, or
hanging wash
- - - - - -
The Cross Out Back
a crucifix:
weathered board, nails
suspends line, laundry
30" above soil
a woman:
clothes pins braced
between fingers, teeth
praising,
surrendering,
or hanging wash
i foogin' looove clothing pins for some odd reason, eager to hear more of this kind of synthesis
plutocratic polyphonous pandering
Posts: 663
Threads: 134
Joined: Oct 2017
.
Hi bb,
enjoyed the read, though, like Billy, I thought S4 a misstep.
Don't know if this will help, but ...
Liberation Study
before the afternoon rains
on the bus
a la universidad
we pass her
out back
a cross
of weathered board
and nails [suspends]
[a] line and laundry
clothespins
braced between fingers
and teeth
[she] struggles
against billowing sheets
the wind shifts
through her
loose strands of pelo
and floral frock
[lifting] the veil
arms raised
gathering bedding
singing
a survivor’s song
praising,
surrendering,
or hanging out wash[ing]
the storm approaches
Best, Knot
.
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