In Memory of the Cyclists in Toronto
#1
In the city I think of all the bicycles
riding along the road with all their
tires being sliced in half by a half-assed
bum
Someone tried to slit them in half
I thought that was wrong, what kind
of person does that? On this lovely
day in Toronto with it smelling like burnt
tires and where there are obstacles in the way
like people and slippery slopes in the way on
the roads
And how there are people caught slipping
on the roads on a winter day, it is so cold
that it can freeze your tongue, I thought that
through and therefore your mind is to those
cyclists and where there is hope in that regard
Just remember those cyclists
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#2
(12-25-2019, 07:28 AM)JaggedEdge Wrote:  In the city I think of all the bicycles
riding along the road with all their
tires being sliced in half by a half-assed  is "being" needed here?
bum
Someone tried to slit them in half  potential typography problem here, see below
I thought that was wrong, what kind
of person does that? On this lovely
day in Toronto with it smelling like burnt
tires and where there are obstacles in the way comma in place of "and?"
like people and slippery slopes in the way on
the roads
And how there are people caught slipping
on the roads on a winter day, it is so cold
that it can freeze your tongue, I thought that
through and therefore your mind is to those something like "commend them to your mind?"
cyclists and where there is hope in that regard
Just remember those cyclists
I hesitated to critique this one because I did not quite get the reference, if here is one; news reports turn up a tire slasher in Toronto, but it was tires of a charity's trucks.  Though it was, indeed, a bum.

In general, this is a nice stream-of-consciousness or prose-poem, sometimes seems to not quite find the right word but rush on to complete the thought - makes it feel genuine.  At times your choice of typography - capitalization at sentence starts, no period (but a line break) at the end - trips you up a little, as with "I thought that was wrong" - is it a continuation of the previous sentence?  Can't quite tell since "I" is properly capitalized.

I have a little trouble visualizing a tire slit "in half."  Being circular, you'd have to cut it in two places, or all the way around, to make two halves.  But that's just my topological detail hobgoblin:  the idea certainly gets across.

I like this, sort of dreamy but with a moral sense.  You could revise it, or write poems on other topics that you also care about.
feedback award Non-practicing atheist
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#3
(12-30-2019, 07:48 AM)dukealien Wrote:  
(12-25-2019, 07:28 AM)JaggedEdge Wrote:  In the city I think of all the bicycles
riding along the road with all their
tires being sliced in half by a half-assed  is "being" needed here?
bum
Someone tried to slit them in half  potential typography problem here, see below
I thought that was wrong, what kind
of person does that? On this lovely
day in Toronto with it smelling like burnt
tires and where there are obstacles in the way comma in place of "and?"
like people and slippery slopes in the way on
the roads
And how there are people caught slipping
on the roads on a winter day, it is so cold
that it can freeze your tongue, I thought that
through and therefore your mind is to those something like "commend them to your mind?"
cyclists and where there is hope in that regard
Just remember those cyclists
I hesitated to critique this one because I did not quite get the reference, if here is one; news reports turn up a tire slasher in Toronto, but it was tires of a charity's trucks.  Though it was, indeed, a bum.

In general, this is a nice stream-of-consciousness or prose-poem, sometimes seems to not quite find the right word but rush on to complete the thought - makes it feel genuine.  At times your choice of typography - capitalization at sentence starts, no period (but a line break) at the end - trips you up a little, as with "I thought that was wrong" - is it a continuation of the previous sentence?  Can't quite tell since "I" is properly capitalized.

I have a little trouble visualizing a tire slit "in half."  Being circular, you'd have to cut it in two places, or all the way around, to make two halves.  But that's just my topological detail hobgoblin:  the idea certainly gets across.

I like this, sort of dreamy but with a moral sense.  You could revise it, or write poems on other topics that you also care about.

Wow thanks for commenting duke, yeah the typography element was just a separation of the lines, it's not supposed to connect with each other.
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#4
(12-25-2019, 07:28 AM)JaggedEdge Wrote:  In the city I think of all the bicycles
riding along the road with all their
tires being sliced in half by a half-assed
bum Half-assed bum is nice and silly. I myself am a full-cock dick.
Someone tried to slit them in half
I thought that was wrong, what kind
of person does that? On this lovely
day in Toronto with it smelling like burnt
tires and where there are obstacles in the way  "when" would fit better than "where", as this thought is referring to time, "On this lovely day".
like people and slippery slopes in the way on Do you need to say "in the way" again?  I'd cut the second one.
the roads 
And how there are people caught slipping
on the roads on a winter day, it is so cold
that it can freeze your tongue, I thought that
through and therefore your mind is to those "I thought that through" is my favourite line in the piece, it is so innocent.
cyclists and where there is hope in that regard
Just remember those cyclists

This is an interesting and different poem here. I am from Toronto, and have not heard of these tire slicers, which makes it funner for me (I am not sure if this is actually a thing or not).

Many amateur (and professional) poems have a self-important pseudo-intellectual quality that is so contrived (I know I am guilty of this myself), and this is the complete opposite - I find it very charming.

I found this silly and light (not sure if this was your intention - which adds to the charm for me). This is like reading the mind of a concerned grandma (which is in no way negative), please write more.
"A hippopotamus is just a really cool opatamus."
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#5
(01-06-2020, 05:03 PM)Wjames Wrote:  
(12-25-2019, 07:28 AM)JaggedEdge Wrote:  In the city I think of all the bicycles
riding along the road with all their
tires being sliced in half by a half-assed
bum Half-assed bum is nice and silly. I myself am a full-cock dick.
Someone tried to slit them in half
I thought that was wrong, what kind
of person does that? On this lovely
day in Toronto with it smelling like burnt
tires and where there are obstacles in the way  "when" would fit better than "where", as this thought is referring to time, "On this lovely day".
like people and slippery slopes in the way on Do you need to say "in the way" again?  I'd cut the second one.
the roads 
And how there are people caught slipping
on the roads on a winter day, it is so cold
that it can freeze your tongue, I thought that
through and therefore your mind is to those "I thought that through" is my favourite line in the piece, it is so innocent.
cyclists and where there is hope in that regard
Just remember those cyclists

This is an interesting and different poem here. I am from Toronto, and have not heard of these tire slicers, which makes it funner for me (I am not sure if this is actually a thing or not).

Many amateur (and professional) poems have a self-important pseudo-intellectual quality that is so contrived (I know I am guilty of this myself), and this is the complete opposite - I find it very charming.

I found this silly and light (not sure if this was your intention - which adds to the charm for me). This is like reading the mind of a concerned grandma (which is in no way negative), please write more.
For sure I will write more, it's cool your from Toronto too. The poem was just based on some bike accidents happening in the city of Toronto so I wrote a poem about it and exaggerated it a bit with a story behind it.
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