b-kwik (edit 2)
#1
b-kwik

spikes click across 
Imperial tile
running through b-kwik
sweaty hair 
football gear

tore-up turf
trailing behind 
grabbing milk
grabbing bread

priced for convenience
priced 
for the working class

sometimes 
at checkout 
a “secret” treat, while

dad waits in the car
window down
WKBW on the radio
in the strip plaza 
sited to block competition
since the Super Duper 
exploded under 
suspicious circumstances

bricks blown for blocks
on Mother’s Day
as the family business
succumbed to changing market

we head home
with what we need
oblivious to the desperation
that drove her son to arson

when he finally had to admit 
there was no longer space
for a six aisle grocery

b-kwik

running through b-kwik
sweaty hair 
football gear
spikes click across 
Imperial tile

tore-up turf
trailing behind 
grabbing milk
grabbing bread

priced for convenience
priced 
for the working class

sometimes 
at checkout 
a “secret” treat

dad waits in the car
window down
WKBW on the radio
in the strip plaza 
sited to block competition
since the Super Duper 
exploded under suspicious
circumstances

bricks blown for blocks
on Mother’s Day
as the family business
succumbed to market forces

we head for home
with what we need
oblivious to the desperation
that drove a son to arson

when he finally had to admit 
there was no longer space
for a six aisle grocery
Reply
#2
(12-01-2019, 02:41 AM)bbcashdollar Wrote:  b-kwik

running through b-kwik
sweaty hair 
football gear
spikes click across 
Imperial tile

tore-up turf
trailing behind 
grabbing milk
grabbing bread

priced for convenience 
priced 
for the working class

sometimes 
at checkout 
a “secret” treat

dad waits in the car
window down
WKBW on the radio
in the strip plaza 
sited to block competition
since the Super Duper 
exploded under suspicious
circumstances

bricks blown for blocks
on Mother’s Day
as the family business
succumbed to market forces

we head for home
with what we need
oblivious to the desperation
that drove a son to arson

when he finally had to admit 
there was no longer space
for a six aisle grocery

Hello, I actually enjoyed this a lot. A couple things:
It feels like there are a lot of elements at play here. Football, a grocery store, a family business, and an explosion? It’s quite a bit for a relatively short poem. Maybe it’s just me, but the connection between the explosion and the family business (if there is one) is a bit confusing to me? Overall this reads really well. Also, just curious, what was the purpose of “priced for the working class”?
Reply
#3
Hey bbcashdollar, comments below
(12-01-2019, 02:41 AM)bbcashdollar Wrote:  b-kwik

running through b-kwik
sweaty hair 
football gear
spikes click across 
Imperial tile Nice start. I would consider starting your poem off with these two lines. "Imperial tile" is nice attention to detail that foreshadows what the poem will soon delve into (the ruthlessness of these companie.

tore-up turf maybe torn-up instead of tore-up
trailing behind 
grabbing milk
grabbing bread

priced for convenience
priced 
for the working class

sometimes 
at checkout 
a “secret” treat unsure how the treat is "secret", maybe give us something more concrete, and, in doing so, tying it in tighter to the poem's theme.

dad waits in the car
window down
WKBW on the radio im not understanding the significance of the different colored letters
in the strip plaza 
sited to block competition
since the Super Duper 
exploded under suspicious id suggest bumping "suspicious" down to share a line with "circumstances" to add weight to the phrase as well as a bit of tension between the two lines
circumstances

bricks blown for blocks
on Mother’s Day
as the family business
succumbed to market forces

we head for home consider omitting "for"
with what we need
oblivious to the desperation
that drove a son to arson

when he finally had to admit 
there was no longer space
for a six aisle grocery
Though I think I understand what this poem is about, I can't help but get confused at the last two stanzas where a son is introduced. Is this the son of the mother who ran or helped run the Super Duper that blew up their store? If so, why was this his way of admitting the business's demise? If this was a true story then I don't think the son's motive for blowing up his own store is explored in depth enough for the reader to understand his extreme actions. Now, if I misunderstood the meaning of "arson" and you meant it as the crime of setting fire to something rather than only detonating something, than perhaps you meant the son set fire this b kwik, but there is no hint of that in the poem that would guide the reader to this conclusion.

All things considered, I did enjoy the read and appreciate some of the stylistic decisions you made when writing this poem.

Alex
Reply
#4
Thanks for your suggestions. I’ve incorporated some some of them. One thing I completely missed in writing this prior to reading your critique, that couldn’t be more obvious now is this also about 2 sons. One fetching provisions and one managing the family store in a changing food business of the 1960’s & 1970’s in the US. I hope I cleared up the secret treat. The boy thinks it’s secret, while his dad waits in the car, the dad just assumes it’s a part of the transaction, or perhaps a cost of doing business ; ). I made a slight adjustment in the 7th stanza to hopefully clarify which son started the fire and blew up the store. As for “tore-up” turf, I like the sound of the colloquialism, I think it fits the characters. Thanks again. 

(12-19-2019, 08:38 AM)alexorande Wrote:  Hey bbcashdollar, comments below
(12-01-2019, 02:41 AM)bbcashdollar Wrote:  b-kwik

running through b-kwik
sweaty hair 
football gear
spikes click across 
Imperial tile Nice start. I would consider starting your poem off with these two lines. "Imperial tile" is nice attention to detail that foreshadows what the poem will soon delve into (the ruthlessness of these companie.

tore-up turf maybe torn-up instead of tore-up
trailing behind 
grabbing milk
grabbing bread

priced for convenience
priced 
for the working class

sometimes 
at checkout 
a “secret” treat unsure how the treat is "secret", maybe give us something more concrete, and, in doing so, tying it in tighter to the poem's theme.

dad waits in the car
window down
WKBW on the radio im not understanding the significance of the different colored letters
in the strip plaza 
sited to block competition
since the Super Duper 
exploded under suspicious id suggest bumping "suspicious" down to share a line with "circumstances" to add weight to the phrase as well as a bit of tension between the two lines
circumstances

bricks blown for blocks
on Mother’s Day
as the family business
succumbed to market forces

we head for home consider omitting "for"
with what we need
oblivious to the desperation
that drove a son to arson

when he finally had to admit 
there was no longer space
for a six aisle grocery
Though I think I understand what this poem is about, I can't help but get confused at the last two stanzas where a son is introduced. Is this the son of the mother who ran or helped run the Super Duper that blew up their store? If so, why was this his way of admitting the business's demise? If this was a true story then I don't think the son's motive for blowing up his own store is explored in depth enough for the reader to understand his extreme actions. Now, if I misunderstood the meaning of "arson" and you meant it as the crime of setting fire to something rather than only detonating something, than perhaps you meant the son set fire this b kwik, but there is no hint of that in the poem that would guide the reader to this conclusion.

All things considered, I did enjoy the read and appreciate some of the stylistic decisions you made when writing this poem.

Alex
Reply
#5
(12-01-2019, 02:41 AM)bbcashdollar Wrote:  b-kwik

spikes click across 
Imperial tile
running through b-kwik
sweaty hair 
football gear

tore-up turf (torn up reads better than tore-up)
trailing behind 
grabbing milk
grabbing bread

priced for convenience
priced 
for the working class

sometimes 
at checkout 
a “secret” treat, while

dad waits in the car
window down
WKBW on the radio
in the strip plaza 
sited to block competition
since the Super Duper 
exploded under 
suspicious circumstances

bricks blown for blocks
on Mother’s Day
as the family business
succumbed to changing market

we head home
with what we need
oblivious to the desperation
that drove her son to arson

when he finally had to admit 
there was no longer space
for a six aisle grocery (wow I love this poem but really it is a lot to absorb here, you have an explosion and a whole lot of things, interesting poem)

b-kwik

running through b-kwik
sweaty hair 
football gear
spikes click across 
Imperial tile

tore-up turf
trailing behind 
grabbing milk
grabbing bread

priced for convenience
priced 
for the working class

sometimes 
at checkout 
a “secret” treat

dad waits in the car
window down
WKBW on the radio
in the strip plaza 
sited to block competition
since the Super Duper 
exploded under suspicious
circumstances

bricks blown for blocks
on Mother’s Day
as the family business
succumbed to market forces

we head for home
with what we need
oblivious to the desperation
that drove a son to arson

when he finally had to admit 
there was no longer space
for a six aisle grocery
Reply




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