Tuesdays at the Crocodile Rock
#1
When you play keytar in an eighties cover band,
you have your pick of the middle aged women
downing rosé in between dance floor seizures,
the kind of gals that make you quit your book club
after Fifty Shades of Grey has been thrust upon you
like handcuffs at a Tampa orgy.

Not to say you don't enjoy their company,
there's something wild in their eyes
that makes the free drinks you're paid
worth the hours spent learning scales
and a tightly choreographed stage routine.

The only downside is when your mother comes
and you only notice she's there
after you got her friends number.
"Writing about music is like dancing about architecture."
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#2
(11-16-2019, 06:18 AM)Wjames Wrote:  When you play keytar in an eighties cover band,
you have your pick of the middle aged women
downing rosé in between dance floor seizures, is "in" necessary here?
the kind of gals that make you quit your book club
after Fifty Shades of Grey has been thrust upon you
like handcuffs at a Tampa orgy.  I get the waypoints after "after" but can't make the connection with quitting your book club.

Not to say you don't enjoy their company,
there's something wild in their eyes
that makes the free drinks you're paid
worth the hours spent learning scales
and a tightly choreographed stage routine.  This stanza is neatly circuitous:  need the drinks for a one- or two-bagger.

The only downside is when your mother comes
and you only notice she's there
after you got her friends number.  Aside from the basic joke, there's a lot packed in here.

Enjoyable slice of life (moves one to wonder how the drummer in your band makes out).  The logic of some of the sentences escapes me, but maybe it's drunk-logic.

The last stanza is very neat and (if I'm reading it right) efficient.  In addition to the joke, (a) lives in the same town as Mom (maybe in her basement or over the garage?) and (b) future elaborations such as Mom's friend telling her, over drinks, about her hot date with this young keytarist, you know, the one we saw at... or did Mom bring her so they could see her son the musician, but lost sight of her for a few minutes.  The sitcom writes itself.

An up-to-date fugue on "the older ones are the best, they know every time might be their last," as a somewhat roguish gentleman once explained.

Liked it.
feedback award Non-practicing atheist
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#3
(11-16-2019, 06:18 AM)Wjames Wrote:  When you play keytar in an eighties cover band, this line kept me reading.
you have your pick of the middle aged women no need for [the]
downing rosé in between dance floor seizures,
the kind of gals that make you quit your book club
after Fifty Shades of Grey has been thrust upon you
like handcuffs at a Tampa orgy.

this opening stanza works well at setting the scene of the cover band.
it also makes me feels sad for them Big Grin


Not to say you don't enjoy their company,
there's something wild in their eyes
that makes the free drinks you're paid
worth the hours spent learning scales
and a tightly choreographed stage routine.

i like how this feels, it makes an excuse for them and the band.

The only downside is when your mother comes
and you only notice she's there
after you got her friends number.

sick but a good generic twist at the end.
it's refreshingly light hearted though threaded with a tinge of why am i doing this. there's little I'd change about it, she ain't heavy, she's my mother gag works well to round off the piece.
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#4
(11-16-2019, 06:18 AM)Wjames Wrote:  When you play keytar in an eighties cover band,
you have your pick of the middle aged women
downing rosé in between dance floor seizures,
the kind of gals that make you quit your book club
after Fifty Shades of Grey has been thrust upon you
like handcuffs at a Tampa orgy.

Not to say you don't enjoy their company,
there's something wild in their eyes
that makes the free drinks you're paid
worth the hours spent learning scales
and a tightly choreographed stage routine.

The only downside is when your mother comes
and you only notice she's there, after
after you got her friends number.

Don’t want to over this this. It’s fun. Characters we can all pour our assumptions into. The only thing, the use of only/only the first two lines of the last stanza. I included a suggested edit.
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