Faint Hope
#1
A sliver remains,
the final slice of pie 
at the back of your fridge
beside a jar of pickles
you got the week you moved in. 

The crust is soggy and the taste's dulled,
but it's nice to know something's there
if you feel like something sweet. 
"Writing about music is like dancing about architecture."
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#2
Hey WJ. A quick thought on first read...

(11-14-2019, 07:32 AM)Wjames Wrote:  A sliver remains,
the final slice of pie 
at the back of your fridge
beside a jar of pickles
you got the week you moved in. 

The crust is soggy and the taste's dulled, I think this line belongs in future tense since you are describing the last slice which is yet to be eaten
- consider... the crust will be soggy and the taste dulled
but it's nice to know something's there
if you feel like something sweet. 

Thanks for the read. I'll be back.
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#3
(11-14-2019, 08:28 AM)Tiger the Lion Wrote:  Hey WJ. A quick thought on first read...

(11-14-2019, 07:32 AM)Wjames Wrote:  A sliver remains,
the final slice of pie 
at the back of your fridge
beside a jar of pickles
you got the week you moved in. 

The crust is soggy and the taste's dulled, I think this line belongs in future tense since you are describing the last slice which is yet to be eaten
- consider... the crust will be soggy and the taste dulled
but it's nice to know something's there
if you feel like something sweet. 

Thanks for the read. I'll be back.

Thanks tiger, I'm leaning towards making your suggestion.

The one thing making me hesitate is I want the pie to be perishable, it's a faint hope and it's going to go bad soon - if it will be soggy etc it implies it may be there forever.

I think I need to establish that perishability some way and then make your suggestion. 

Glad to see this place is still kicking, I'll try to return more often, but time is hard to reckon with.
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#4
headset 
(11-14-2019, 07:32 AM)Wjames Wrote:  A sliver remains,
the final slice of pie 
at the back of your fridge
beside a jar of pickles
you got the week you moved in. 

The crust is soggy and the taste's dulled,
but it's nice to know something's there
if you feel like something sweet. 

Hi WJ.  I'm a newbie here and you're my first critique on this site...here goes.
Nice tap into the reader's senses.  The poem is light and simple but it drew me in.  I find myself peering into the fridge...into a life.  I suggest being more specific with the objects you identify.  
  • Pie is pie, but "persimmon cobbler" or "blackberry tart" or "Lemon meringue pie" give much more information about the person who will eat it and draw on more of the reader's senses.
  • Pickles is simple, but what about dills, gherkins, or "jared pickle chips"?
  • "The crust is soggy and the taste's dulled" -you could choose to say this, or you could show it.  
  • The last two lines: it would be intriguing to see this shown by the person's actions. What could they do to show that they decided not to eat it?  
Please let me know if this is more than what is desired in the Mild/Mod forum.
Thanks for posting.  That image will stay with me for some time.  Well done.
I sleep with the lights out.  
They always come back. 
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#5
(11-14-2019, 07:32 AM)Wjames Wrote:  A sliver remains,
the final slice of pie 
at the back of your fridge
beside a jar of pickles
you got the week you moved in. 

The crust is soggy and the taste's dulled, The crust soggy, the taste dulled,
but it's nice to know something's there
if you feel like something sweet. 

This is good. There’s an unspoken inner dialog. I think it reads well, maybe just a suggestion on the first line of the 2nd stanza. The only thing is the title, it seems to over promise. It seems to hint that something forced the move, Abuse, job-loss, there are many reasons people have to move. The piece is nice as is, if you can have a title that matches the scale of your images (just spit balling something like “New Beginning”), or maybe one stanza that hints more directly at why the move.
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#6
i like this though think you could use a little more brevity on it.
it's a sweet little slice.

i think with something sweet, the crust and final slice it can be seen as a piece of pie


(11-14-2019, 07:32 AM)Wjames Wrote:  A sliver remains,
the final slice of pie
at the back of your fridge
beside a jar of pickles
you got the week you moved in.

The crust is soggy and the taste's dulled,
but it's nice to know something's there
if you feel like something sweet.
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#7
I think billy's and bb's suggestions for brevity do strengthen the poem.  The terseness of your phrases has already been contributing the emotional tone.  The sparsity of detail itself invokes plain, white, chilly refrigerator walls.
You'll probably think I'm nit-picky crazy here, but I'm finding a jarring note in the word "but".  (Go ahead and laugh; you already have in my head. Smile  )  "But" has a way of cancelling out the preceding clause, no?  And yet even the soggy staleness of this pie doesn't deserve to be cancelled out; it's still part of the promise that the pie represents, isn't it?   If you don't think I'm crazy or off-base, then maybe try out some gentler conjunctions: "yet", "still", etc. 

I'm also a little unsure about the title, but for a slightly different reason.  The way I read this poem, while in reality the pie might not deliver on it's full promise, it represents something a bit more concrete to the "you" who is holding on to it.  The hope itself feels more than faint to me.  

Now, thinking as I type, "Faint Hope" implies a gentle mockery of the pie-saver. I didn't read that teasing at first, but, if it's what you intend, please ignore all of my suggestions. 


(11-14-2019, 07:32 AM)Wjames Wrote:  A sliver remains,
the final slice of pie
at the back of your fridge
beside a jar of pickles
you got the week you moved in.

The crust soggy, the taste dulled,
but it's nice to know something's there
if you feel like something sweet. 
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