Lark
#1
as far as family trees go, ours is really a weed.
can a tree be a weed?

I tried to burn it down last night.
but then a friend said all I needed was a copper nail.

So, this morning I got a vasectomy.
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#2
A good attempt. I would eschew cliches like 'looming mountain peak' and 'silken wings'.
I'd also question the reference to the sands of Egypt - unlike the swallow in the Happy Prince, larks don't migrate that far south, so the allusion doesn't work (if that's the intention. Otherwise, the Egypt reference is pointless).
I am also not sure if alpine vegetation at these altitudes can be classified as 'brambly'. It's mostly meadow land.
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#3
(11-10-2019, 10:28 AM)Jon River Wrote:  At the base of some such pass,
beneath the crest of Mount Blanc
and lying writhing with the tug and pull of aquamarine,
between bramble and blush, lie her youth.
 
With Fervor and trepidation, slowly succumbing to listless acquiescence of old age,
blossomed a determined silent grace.
 
Now perched high atop the wooden hollow growth,
peering out through steely eyes with piercing gaze
Surveying the tracks of so many failed attempts
to scale the looming mountian peak.
Her heart is full as she slowly drinks in the view.
Tugging eastern winds ruffle silken wings
and like the sands of Egypt she flys aloft
and her song fills the valley bellow.

In basic critique, a few housekeeping remarks first.  Briefly, "Mont Blanc" for accuracy and (unless it's your intentional creation) "mountain" or perhaps "montane" for "mountian."  Your use of capitalization for emphasis (where it would not otherwise be required) is effective.  Also, and not to be pedantic (well, OK, being pedantic) in L4 her youth is singular so it should be "lies."

Beyond that, the concept is good and the work is frequently arresting (I never thought of sky as aquamarine), with some fine phrases ("listless acquiescence," for example).

One general suggestion:  as you edit, simplify.  The busy-ness  of many syllables is also effective, but consider (and pardon the rewrite)

Her heart fills as she slowly drinks the view.

You can often find opportunities for simplification by homing in on the word "the."

And, finally, those sands.  I think I see where you mean to go, but agree with Busker supra that bringing Egypt into it may be a mistake.  Think of powder-snow, or the wind-shot crystal mist of Switzerland.

A nice story.  Looking forward to edits.
feedback award Non-practicing atheist
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