Poppies

[bigmatchmal]

Hi all looking for a basic critique for my first poem.

[bigmatchmal]

Poppies.

Poppies on the side of buses.
Poppies on scarves as well.
Poppies on the tv and on working class lapels.
When ex squaddies sleep on concrete.
Where does the money go?
Someone’s making a killing here?
Where does that money go?

They’re counting beans at the palace.
The numbers don’t add up.
Poppies at the cenotaph.
Ex squaddies out of luck.
Poppies in the Arndale.
Poppies at the match.
Poppies next to medals.
There’s got to be a catch?
So who put the Great in Britain?
Who fought in the wars?
Who’s been making a killing again?
While ex squaddies sleep on floors!
God save the Queen!

[Knot]

.
Hi mal,
enjoyed the read (Poppies at the cenotaph/Ex Squaddies out of luck, in particular).

Whilst I wouldn't rush to change the content too much -swapping 'soldiers' for 'ex squaddies' might
carry more of a punch, similarly 'Whitehall' for 'the palace' - it could be worth changing the order
of the lines. By way of food for thought

Poppies in the Arndale
Poppies at the match.
Poppies next to medals.
There’s got to be a catch?

cos there are soldiers in the doorways
sleeping rough at home,
where's their heroes welcome,
now the weather's turning cold?

Poppies on the buses.
Poppies on scarves as well.
Poppies on the tv screens
and on working class lapels.

They’re counting beans in Whitehall.
but the numbers don’t add up.
Selling poppies at the cenotaph.
All those soldiers out of luck.

So who put the Great in Britain?
Who fought in all her fucking wars?
Who is it makes a killing
While ex squaddies sleep on floors?

God save the Queen!



Not sure why 'there's got to be a catch' is there, apart from the rhyme.
What's the difference between 'poppies of scarves' and 'poppies at the match'?
Might be more interesting to switch 'working class' for 'city suit' or similar?


Best, Knot




.

[bigmatchmal]

Funny you should mention soldiers, I was toying with that idea? The way those words worked regarding ex squaddies kind of jarred with me, as for the rest, it’s food for thought as I kind of did it off the cuff.
I’ll give it some more thought.

[Jon River]

Just a slight grammatical change (unless I am reading this wrong) "When ex squaddies sleep on concrete.
Where does the money go? "

(remove period and replace with coma, lower case Where and make into one sentence. eg:
When ex squaddies sleep on concrete, where does the money go?
Maybe this would flow better?

Also,
"Someone’s making a killing here?
Where does that money go?"
The first sentence reads like a statement and not a question. Would this sound better without the question mark? eg:
Someone’s making a killing here.
Where does that money go?


*sorry if this is misplaced. this is my first critique!!

Also, thank you for sharing this. I enjoyed it!

[bigmatchmal]

[font=.SF UI Display][font=.SFUIDisplay]Poppies on the side of buses. [/font][/font]
[font=.SF UI Display][font=.SFUIDisplay]Poppies on scarves as well.[/font][/font]
[font=.SF UI Display][font=.SFUIDisplay]Poppies on the tv and on city suit lapels. [/font][/font]

[font=.SF UI Display][font=.SFUIDisplay]Poppies in the arndale,[/font][/font]
[font=.SF UI Display][font=.SFUIDisplay]Poppies at the match.[/font][/font]
[font=.SF UI Display][font=.SFUIDisplay]Poppies in the corner, by the cigarette kiosk.[/font][/font]

[font=.SF UI Display][font=.SFUIDisplay]When old soldiers sleep on concrete, where does the money go? [/font][/font]
[font=.SF UI Display][font=.SFUIDisplay]Someone’s making a killing here?[/font][/font]
[font=.SF UI Display][font=.SFUIDisplay]Where does that money flow?[/font][/font]

[font=.SF UI Display][font=.SFUIDisplay]They’re counting beans down Whitehall way.[/font][/font]
[font=.SF UI Display][font=.SFUIDisplay]The numbers don’t add up.[/font][/font]
[font=.SF UI Display][font=.SFUIDisplay]Poppies at the cenotaph.[/font][/font]
[font=.SF UI Display][font=.SFUIDisplay]Ex squaddies out of luck.[/font][/font]

[font=.SF UI Display][font=.SFUIDisplay]So who put the Great in Britain?[/font][/font]
[font=.SF UI Display][font=.SFUIDisplay]Who fought in the wars?[/font][/font]
[font=.SF UI Display][font=.SFUIDisplay]Who’s been making a killing again, while old soldiers sleep on floors?[/font][/font]

[font=.SF UI Display][font=.SFUIDisplay]God save the Queen.[/font][/font]
[font=.SF UI Display][font=.SFUIDisplay]This is her fucking England.[/font][/font]

[bbcashdollar]

Hi all looking for a basic critique for my first poem.

Poppies.

Poppies on the side of buses. 
Poppies on scarves as well.
Poppies on the tv and on working class lapels. 
When (While) ex squaddies sleep on concrete.
Where does the money go? (Redundant) 
Someone’s making a killing here?
Where does that money go?

They’re counting beans at the palace.
The numbers at the palace don’t add up.
Poppies at the cenotaph.
Ex squaddies out of luck.
Poppies in the Arndale.
Poppies at the match.
Poppies next to medals.
There’s got to be a catch?
So who put the Great in Britain?
Who fought in the wars?
Who’s been making a killing again?
While ex squaddies sleep on floors!
God save the Queen!

I like it. I like squaddies as opposed to soldiers, it conveys an intimate knowledge or direct relationship. A couple of suggested edits above. I wonder about the ending, I’m not British and don’t get the whole monarchy thing, is the queen the target or the folks buying poppies and not supporting soldiers. If this is your first poem, great start!

[billy]

i enjoyed this one. i do think you could have omitted a few words, an example:
Poppies on sides of buses
Poppies on the tv and working class lapels.

Poppies.

Poppies on the side of buses.
Poppies on scarves as well.
Poppies on the tv and on working class lapels.
When ex squaddies sleep on concrete.
Where does the money go?
Someone’s making a killing here?
Where does that money go?

They’re counting beans at the palace. this line doesn't work for me as the palace doesn't pay soldiers or ex soldiers.
The numbers don’t add up.
Poppies at the cenotaph.
Ex squaddies out of luck.
Poppies in the Arndale.
Poppies at the match.
Poppies next to medals.
There’s got to be a catch?
So who put the Great in Britain?
Who fought in the wars?
Who’s been making a killing again?
While ex squaddies sleep on floors!
God save the Queen! for me this line adds nothing