Straws
#1
You saw the day bend like a plastic straw
Falling further into the water, beyond sight
Into to the deep and you lost grasp of it
Completely
Your heart turned over inside your chest
Your mind turned over behind your eyes
Many times
Waning into the water goes the light, again.
Ferocity holds your body straight
– Grounded onto the rained ground
Wetness around chair legs under the awning –
Fallen after a long time holding back.
The last straw sank into the water
Sands pulled it to their deep fields
Of stone. To be cradled
Bending, falling, the lightless drop
Falling and
Falling and
The long black cars waiting round.
Misshapen thoughts held you back
Forever
Many lightless years painted black
Debris swirling and
The day, twists into your face.
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#2
Hey jt14286,
Welcome to the site Smile
I like the simile at the start of the day as a straw, and feel like you should have played with that more. I'll go into more detail below:

(10-25-2019, 07:55 AM)jt14286 Wrote:  You saw the day bend like a plastic straw -Like this as a first line. It drew me in as a reader.
Falling further into the water, beyond sight -I know you mean a body of water here, but in the last line you said it was a plastic straw. That makes me envision a glass of water, which would be transparent, so the "beyond sight" gets a bit lost here. I guess the water could be in a mug, but I haven't seen too many people drink water with a straw from a  mug. I am probably overthinking the simile here, but this is worth considering because it is a strong simile in the previous line.
Into to the deep and you lost grasp of it
Completely
Your heart turned over inside your chest
Your mind turned over behind your eyes -Both this line and the previous one tell instead of show. Why not use images from a passing day that show the sadness and confusion instead?
Many times
Waning into the water goes the light, again.
Ferocity holds your body straight
– Grounded onto the rained ground
Wetness around chair legs under the awning –
Fallen after a long time holding back.
The last straw sank into the water -"The last straw" borders on cliche. At this point, I'm starting to envision someone flicking straws into water at a beach.
Sands pulled it to their deep fields
Of stone. To be cradled
Bending, falling, the lightless drop
Falling and
Falling and
The long black cars waiting round.
Misshapen thoughts held you back -What would be some thoughts the speaker is having? Why are they holding him/her back?
Forever
Many lightless years painted black
Debris swirling and
The day, twists into your face. -I thought the day was a like a plastic straw in the water, "beyond sight," so how is it back in the speaker's face?

I feel like I'm being a bit harsh here, but I really do think you have a strong simile to work with in the first line here. I would suggest thinking about ways to extend that simile so you can communicate the sense of loss the speaker is feeling in the poem. I look forward to seeing where you take this piece next.

Cheers,
Richard
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