Green
#1
I haven’t decided if this one is finished yet or not, but I thought I would go ahead and post it anyway.


I noticed her eyes green like glass.
A tall blonde with class,
Underneath the overpass.
Without a sense of danger
She approached a stranger.
Not seeing what was concealed
Until it was revealed.
The last sight seen,
With her eyes of green,
Will remain a mystery it seems.
But in the darkest of dreams
I hear not her screams,
But see the look of surprise 
In the greenest of eyes.
Disturbing my sleep, 
I awake and weep.
Eyes red and wet,
I’m filled with regret.
 
Reply
#2
(10-23-2019, 02:28 AM)Pinprick Wrote:  I haven’t decided if this one is finished yet or not, but I thought I would go ahead and post it anyway.


I noticed her eyes green like glass.  I can't help noticing that this first line has the rhythm of a limerick   .//.//./  which could seem inappropriately humorous to a reader; easy to avoid that when performing (by stretching and emphasizing "green," for example)
A tall blonde with class,
Underneath the overpass.
Without a sense of danger
She approached a stranger.
Not seeing what was concealed
Until it was revealed.
The last sight seen,
With her eyes of green, Suggest "by" in place of "[w]ith"
Will remain a mystery it seems.
But in the darkest of dreams
I hear not her screams, Suggest simpler "I don't hear her screams" to avoid confusion of hearing and seeing with next line
But see the look of surprise  A good place to consider simplifying (and removing a "the," see below)
In the greenest of eyes.
Disturbing my sleep,
I awake and weep.  Could perhaps strengthen by simplifying: "I wake up and weep" for example
Eyes red and wet,
I’m filled with regret. This is an important line - you might consider giving it more flash, for example "They burn with regret" or even "I'm green with regret."

In answer to your question, unless you want to extend the story (police show up?) it has reached a solid ending in this first version.

I read this as rap (free verse with end rhymes) but suggest a few places (above) where you might consider smoothing it out - although that would make it diverge from performance rap, which is spiky.

My usual advice:  look thoughtfully at each occurrence of "the" with an eye to replacing it with a more specific word even if it's only "that" or "her" or "those," or removing it entirely.  For example, "...see the look of surprise" could become "...see her look of surprise/in those greenest of eyes" or the like.  But, again, rap follows casual speech patterns that include a lot of "the" to emphasize the uniqueness and importance of what's said where less immediate kinds of poetry use variety or arresting turns of phrase... since they have the advantage of being pre-written and edited.

(Capitalizing the beginning of each line regardless of sentence structure is considered archaic and confusing by some on this board; I 'm neutral on the subject.  You might consider editing so lines are capitalized only if they begin a sentence and see how you like that look.)

It's a good story, with a nice, gradual turn in the middle (reveal by the perpetrator).  In basic critique, feel free to disregard any or all of the above suggestions:  no good being too smooth if your intent is a rough, spiky rap.
feedback award Non-practicing atheist
Reply
#3
Really appreciate this, thank you. The limerick was unintentional and I didn’t notice it, but I can simplify the line to avoid it. I will definitely edit this one. I asked about the ending because I thought it was somewhat vague as to whether or not the N is the perpetrator, or a bystander that witnessed the act and is experiencing trauma, which I didn’t mind, but didn’t want it to be distracting or confusing for the reader.
Reply




Users browsing this thread: 1 Guest(s)
Do NOT follow this link or you will be banned from the site!