Green
#1
I haven’t decided if this one is finished yet or not, but I thought I would go ahead and post it anyway.


I noticed her eyes green like glass.
A tall blonde with class,
Underneath the overpass.
Without a sense of danger
She approached a stranger.
Not seeing what was concealed
Until it was revealed.
The last sight seen,
With her eyes of green,
Will remain a mystery it seems.
But in the darkest of dreams
I hear not her screams,
But see the look of surprise 
In the greenest of eyes.
Disturbing my sleep, 
I awake and weep.
Eyes red and wet,
I’m filled with regret.
 
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#2
(10-23-2019, 02:28 AM)Pinprick Wrote:  I haven’t decided if this one is finished yet or not, but I thought I would go ahead and post it anyway.


I noticed her eyes green like glass.  I can't help noticing that this first line has the rhythm of a limerick   .//.//./  which could seem inappropriately humorous to a reader; easy to avoid that when performing (by stretching and emphasizing "green," for example)
A tall blonde with class,
Underneath the overpass.
Without a sense of danger
She approached a stranger.
Not seeing what was concealed
Until it was revealed.
The last sight seen,
With her eyes of green, Suggest "by" in place of "[w]ith"
Will remain a mystery it seems.
But in the darkest of dreams
I hear not her screams, Suggest simpler "I don't hear her screams" to avoid confusion of hearing and seeing with next line
But see the look of surprise  A good place to consider simplifying (and removing a "the," see below)
In the greenest of eyes.
Disturbing my sleep,
I awake and weep.  Could perhaps strengthen by simplifying: "I wake up and weep" for example
Eyes red and wet,
I’m filled with regret. This is an important line - you might consider giving it more flash, for example "They burn with regret" or even "I'm green with regret."

In answer to your question, unless you want to extend the story (police show up?) it has reached a solid ending in this first version.

I read this as rap (free verse with end rhymes) but suggest a few places (above) where you might consider smoothing it out - although that would make it diverge from performance rap, which is spiky.

My usual advice:  look thoughtfully at each occurrence of "the" with an eye to replacing it with a more specific word even if it's only "that" or "her" or "those," or removing it entirely.  For example, "...see the look of surprise" could become "...see her look of surprise/in those greenest of eyes" or the like.  But, again, rap follows casual speech patterns that include a lot of "the" to emphasize the uniqueness and importance of what's said where less immediate kinds of poetry use variety or arresting turns of phrase... since they have the advantage of being pre-written and edited.

(Capitalizing the beginning of each line regardless of sentence structure is considered archaic and confusing by some on this board; I 'm neutral on the subject.  You might consider editing so lines are capitalized only if they begin a sentence and see how you like that look.)

It's a good story, with a nice, gradual turn in the middle (reveal by the perpetrator).  In basic critique, feel free to disregard any or all of the above suggestions:  no good being too smooth if your intent is a rough, spiky rap.
feedback award Non-practicing atheist
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#3
Really appreciate this, thank you. The limerick was unintentional and I didn’t notice it, but I can simplify the line to avoid it. I will definitely edit this one. I asked about the ending because I thought it was somewhat vague as to whether or not the N is the perpetrator, or a bystander that witnessed the act and is experiencing trauma, which I didn’t mind, but didn’t want it to be distracting or confusing for the reader.
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#4
(10-23-2019, 02:28 AM)Pinprick Wrote:  I haven’t decided if this one is finished yet or not, but I thought I would go ahead and post it anyway.


I noticed her eyes green like glass.
A tall blonde with class,
Underneath the overpass.
Without a sense of danger
She approached a stranger.
Not seeing what was concealed
Until it was revealed.
The last sight seen,
With her eyes of green,
Will remain a mystery it seems.
But in the darkest of dreams
I hear not her screams,
But see the look of surprise 
In the greenest of eyes.
Disturbing my sleep, 
I awake and weep.
Eyes red and wet,
I’m filled with regret.
 

I really like the story that you put forth with your poem. I was a little confused by the rhyme scheme, I read it with a playful cheerful tone.  I don't know if that is intentional or if that is just how I interpreted it. I hope this helps.
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#5
I like the rhyme scheme of this poem, it's easy and flows well. However, there are a few things I did not understand.

In L1, you say, eyes green like glass. Do you mean green eyes like glass? Because the former qualifies the glass as being green. I am not sure if that's what you were going for.
You say you do not hear her screams see a look of surprise in her eyes. What is the surprise, and what is causing you regret?
Otherwise, I like the simplicity of the poem.
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#6
(10-23-2019, 02:28 AM)Pinprick Wrote:  I haven’t decided if this one is finished yet or not, but I thought I would go ahead and post it anyway.


I noticed her eyes green like glass.
A tall blonde with class,
Underneath the overpass.
Without a sense of danger
She approached a stranger.
Not seeing what was concealed
Until it was revealed.
The last sight seen,
With her eyes of green,
Will remain a mystery it seems.
But in the darkest of dreams
I hear not her screams,
But see the look of surprise 
In the greenest of eyes.
Disturbing my sleep, 
I awake and weep.
Eyes red and wet,
I’m filled with regret.
 
I think you have something here, I feel like you should split the lines into three stanzas for a better read, even to the reader, also I feel like this poem has some sadness in it judging by how I am reading this. Interesting though, I like sad poems because they always have a light at the end of the tunnel but this one doesn't. It is also to my knowledge that this poem is rather limerick-ish, especially with the two first lines, may I ask why? It feels inappropriate like what dukealien said. it seems like there is also something else in the piece, a strange set of rhymes, were you trying to create a poetic form? I feel like you should re-write the poem and start from the beginning again, and write something like free verse as that might be better.
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#7
(04-08-2020, 01:35 PM)savannah Wrote:  I like the rhyme scheme of this poem, it's easy and flows well. However, there are a few things I did not understand.

In L1, you say, eyes green like glass. Do you mean green eyes like glass? Because the former qualifies the glass as being green. I am not sure if that's what you were going for.
You say you do not hear her screams see a look of surprise in her eyes. What is the surprise, and what is causing you regret?
Otherwise, I like the simplicity of the poem.

Thanks for the comment. Yes, I did mean for the glass to be referred to as green. I’m sure it seems silly, but there was a video game I played in my youth that had glass weapons and armor in it, and they were depicted green. I really liked the way they looked, so it just sort of stuck with me. I envisioned this poem as being about someone, the narrator, who witnessed a murder and is having issues dealing with the trauma of it; the guilt of not being able to prevent it, etc. Therefore, the female has a look of surprise once she discovers that the stranger intended on killing her. It’s implied that she did scream, but the narrator, for whatever reason, made eye contact with the victim when she was killed, so that is what haunts him/her.

(04-18-2020, 06:17 AM)JaggedEdge Wrote:  I think you have something here, I feel like you should split the lines into three stanzas for a better read, even to the reader, also I feel like this poem has some sadness in it judging by how I am reading this. Interesting though, I like sad poems because they always have a light at the end of the tunnel but this one doesn't. It is also to my knowledge that this poem is rather limerick-ish, especially with the two first lines, may I ask why? It feels inappropriate like what dukealien said. it seems like there is also something else in the piece, a strange set of rhymes, were you trying to create a poetic form? I feel like you should re-write the poem and start from the beginning again, and write something like free verse as that might be better.

Honestly, I basically have no technical knowledge of poetic forms, meter, etc. So the fact that it is like a limerick is unintentional. I choose to basically ignore the technical aspects of poetry in favor of the content, for better or worse. I just wouldn’t enjoy writing if I had to complete the task of counting syllables, etc. But I do like the challenge of writing a story that rhymes, and that is basically my approach. That being said, learning how others that are knowledgeable and attentive to technicality receive my poetry is helpful, so I do appreciate your feedback.
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#8
(10-23-2019, 02:28 AM)Pinprick Wrote:  I haven’t decided if this one is finished yet or not, but I thought I would go ahead and post it anyway.


I noticed her eyes green like glass.
A tall blonde with class,
Underneath the overpass.
Without a sense of danger
She approached a stranger.
Not seeing what was concealed
Until it was revealed.
The last sight seen,
With her eyes of green,
Will remain a mystery it seems.
But in the darkest of dreams
I hear not her screams,
But see the look of surprise 
In the greenest of eyes.
Disturbing my sleep, 
I awake and weep.
Eyes red and wet,
I’m filled with regret.
 

I'm new to poetry and to critique, but I'll do my best. I like the story and the intense emotion.. but at first, because you notice her eyes, I assumed she was looking at you and that you were her last sight. Then I realized that was wrong, so it's a mite confusing. It leaves me wondering in what context or role you were present that you would notice her eyes as part of your witness to this, presumably, attack. Also I'd like more details on what happened to  her, rather than leaving that unstated.
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