The Real Thing
#1
The Real Thing


A dress can move a man,
but funny; how it is an empty thing,
four holes - cutout crucifix - an empty textile
with sordid promises sewn in the definition.

A fitting parallel to the masculine venture,
logic and id butting heads throughout 
that life’s long journey; that Hero’s tale. That Odyssey.

Truth seldom comes to the surface 
on its own, rather, buoyed by life preserver;
a four-holed wrapping in and of itself.
That’s the dress! A life preserver.
It’s wearer most certainly is saved
for that is the nature of the thing,
when worn with intention and driven purpose
the effect is further reaching.

The dress does not have engine
it will float on its own
into gorgeous sunset horizon.
The dress changes when worn,
function to fit form, 
comes with a cross to bear

It becomes sexy, the dress, then it is real
When it is worn it becomes a spirit.
A dream a lifeblood a carnival a god-queen
with world-saving powers, selfless purpose

The man is turned on by the dress,
the man is saved.
the man is fully, unabashedly, untakebackably, 
knees dropping to the floor-edly, satisfied sigh-ingly, happily(!!!)

Moved.
I've always wanted to live in a world where it's okay to pronounce both L's in my name.
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#2
(10-08-2019, 02:02 AM)fuzzyllama1 Wrote:  The Real Thing


A dress can move a man, to fit with what follows, perhaps an em dash here
but funny; how it is an empty thing, suggest comma and colon replacing semicolon and comma
four holes - cutout crucifix - an empty textile could both dashes be replaced by a comma after "crucifix?"
with sordid promises sewn in the definition. perhaps "its" in lace of "the"

A fitting parallel to the masculine venture, good use of "the" here
logic and id butting heads throughout  might consider "id and logic" for rhythm
that life’s long journey; that Hero’s tale. That Odyssey. suggest em dash instead of semicolon

Truth seldom comes to the surface  suggest "Truth seldom surfaces"
on its own, rather, buoyed by life preserver; period after "own" and perhaps em dash at end of line
a four-holed wrapping in and of itself. "in and of" might seem cliche, but goes deeper here.  Nice!
That’s the dress! A life preserver.
It’s wearer most certainly is saved  "Its" rather than "it's" (possessive) - and is "most" necessary?
for that is the nature of the thing, I'd say "that's" - weak suggestion
when worn with intention and driven purpose fine shade of meaning between "purpose" and "intention" - could they be reversed, and perhaps "intention" change to "intent?"
the effect is further reaching. perhaps "its" for "the" again.

The dress does not have engine perhaps "has no engine" and a comma?
it will float on its own
into gorgeous sunset horizon. weak suggestion - "distance" instead of "horizon"
The dress changes when worn,
function to fit form, very good!
comes with a cross to bear another nice use of what would otherwise be cliche

It becomes sexy, the dress, then it is real Not a fan of this line.  Needs a period, but also reorganization, more active transforming word than "becomes"
When it is worn it becomes a spirit. could "it is" be removed?
A dream a lifeblood a carnival a god-queen too many "a" perhaps, unless phrases separated by more than a comma (or space) - dashes, even ellipses to build and delay?
with world-saving powers, selfless purpose good line, needs period.

The man is turned on by the dress, maybe colon here, but the comma is matter-of-fact, stressing ordinariness.  Good!
the man is saved.
the man is fully, unabashedly, untakebackably, Need to capitalize "The."  Informality of "untakebackably" is fun, might consider "irretrievably"
knees dropping to the floor-edly, satisfied sigh-ingly, happily(!!!)  Here's a thought:  eliminate the "(!!!)" and uncapitalize "(M)oved" below.

Moved.

Perhaps a bit beyond moderate critique, please accept all the above as merely suggestions except "its" for "it's" and typographic housekeeping such as capitalization.

The insight of the dress's cruciform nature is striking.  Topographically, a surface of order... something or other.

In general, it might be made to flow a bit better, mainly with more multi-syllable words and a few more striking turns of phrase.  It follows a logical progression.  Seems a bit giddy at the end, maybe more the way women think men respond to fashion than as they really do (it's like makeup, best when noticed least).
feedback award Non-practicing atheist
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#3
(10-08-2019, 07:18 AM)dukealien Wrote:  
(10-08-2019, 02:02 AM)fuzzyllama1 Wrote:  The Real Thing


A dress can move a man, to fit with what follows, perhaps an em dash here
but funny; how it is an empty thing, suggest comma and colon replacing semicolon and comma
four holes - cutout crucifix - an empty textile could both dashes be replaced by a comma after "crucifix?"
with sordid promises sewn in the definition. perhaps "its" in lace of "the"

A fitting parallel to the masculine venture, good use of "the" here
logic and id butting heads throughout  might consider "id and logic" for rhythm
that life’s long journey; that Hero’s tale. That Odyssey. suggest em dash instead of semicolon

Truth seldom comes to the surface  suggest "Truth seldom surfaces"
on its own, rather, buoyed by life preserver; period after "own" and perhaps em dash at end of line
a four-holed wrapping in and of itself. "in and of" might seem cliche, but goes deeper here.  Nice!
That’s the dress! A life preserver.
It’s wearer most certainly is saved  "Its" rather than "it's" (possessive) - and is "most" necessary?
for that is the nature of the thing, I'd say "that's" - weak suggestion
when worn with intention and driven purpose fine shade of meaning between "purpose" and "intention" - could they be reversed, and perhaps "intention" change to "intent?"
the effect is further reaching. perhaps "its" for "the" again.

The dress does not have engine perhaps "has no engine" and a comma?
it will float on its own
into gorgeous sunset horizon. weak suggestion - "distance" instead of "horizon"
The dress changes when worn,
function to fit form, very good!
comes with a cross to bear another nice use of what would otherwise be cliche

It becomes sexy, the dress, then it is real Not a fan of this line.  Needs a period, but also reorganization, more active transforming word than "becomes"
When it is worn it becomes a spirit. could "it is" be removed?
A dream a lifeblood a carnival a god-queen too many "a" perhaps, unless phrases separated by more than a comma (or space) - dashes, even ellipses to build and delay?
with world-saving powers, selfless purpose good line, needs period.

The man is turned on by the dress, maybe colon here, but the comma is matter-of-fact, stressing ordinariness.  Good!
the man is saved.
the man is fully, unabashedly, untakebackably, Need to capitalize "The."  Informality of "untakebackably" is fun, might consider "irretrievably"
knees dropping to the floor-edly, satisfied sigh-ingly, happily(!!!)  Here's a thought:  eliminate the "(!!!)" and uncapitalize "(M)oved" below.

Moved.

Perhaps a bit beyond moderate critique, please accept all the above as merely suggestions except "its" for "it's" and typographic housekeeping such as capitalization.

The insight of the dress's cruciform nature is striking.  Topographically, a surface of order... something or other.

In general, it might be made to flow a bit better, mainly with more multi-syllable words and a few more striking turns of phrase.  It follows a logical progression.  Seems a bit giddy at the end, maybe more the way women think men respond to fashion than as they really do (it's like makeup, best when noticed least).

Thank you Duke. I took most of your suggestions and used the others as fuel for edits of my own. I need a lot of work in the grammar and flow departments, so I appreciate your thoroughness.
I've always wanted to live in a world where it's okay to pronounce both L's in my name.
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#4
.
Hi Fuzz,
lots to like here, though the change of tone in the ending seems to undercut the whole piece.
To avoid covering the same ground as duke, I'll suggest cutting the second and final stanzas
and switch stanzas four and five, ending on the 'cross' might be stronger.

It would leave you with something like ...

A dress can move a man,
but funny; how it is an empty thing,
four holes - cutout crucifix - an empty textile
with sordid promises sewn in the definition.

Truth seldom comes to the surfaces
on its own, rather, buoyed by life preserver;
a four-holed wrapping in and of itself.
That’s the dress! A life preserver.
It’s wearer most certainly is saved
for that is the nature of the thing,
when worn with intention and driven purpose
the effect is further reaching.

It becomes sexy, the dress, then it is real

When it is worn it becomes a spirit.
A dream a lifeblood a carnival a god-queen
with world-saving powers, selfless purpose

The dress does not have engine
it will float on its own
into gorgeous sunset horizon.
The dress changes when worn,
function to fit form,
comes with a cross to bear


I like 'empty textile' but you've got 'empty thing', and I think that works harder.
Is there a better word than 'engine' (seems a bit out of place). motive force/impetus/impulse
You've got two versions of 'the dress changing when worn'


Best, Knot.


.
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