I haven't fucked in a while
#1
so full of grace
is the swing of her gait
that my hairs lift gently
to meet the air
behind my nape.

so bright is her smile
that all the mountains rise
to see the shine
of the gaze in her eyes.
Looking for a problem in writing? Won't find one.
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#2
(10-01-2019, 02:43 PM)cloud Wrote:  so full of grace
is the swing of her gait
that my hairs lift gently
to meet the air
behind my nape.

so bright is her smile
that all the mountains rise
to see the shine
of the gaze in her eyes.

Quite nice - one of those poems where it all seems to rhyme when only the S2 B rhyme is a formal end-rhyme.

On a less technical level (no critique intended), so far have found two ways of looking at it, given the title. The less circuitous is that the speaker admits making these observations because the speaker's been celibate for a while. The more circuitous is that these visions are self-observed (but described as if seen by another) messages sent by the speaker on account of her recent celibacy.

Or, of course, the writer is ascribing the title to the subject of the writer's observation, as the reason she's sending these messages to the writer.

Enjoyable in any case.
feedback award Non-practicing atheist
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#3
Quote:Or, of course, the writer is ascribing the title to the subject of the writer's observation, as the reason she's sending these messages to the writer.

^^ I hadn't looked at it in this way, but it's quite a clever device!!
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#4
there’s a good use of slant rhymes too
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#5
Really dig this piece, the title makes sense, haha, was not expected the poem to be so on point.
Thanks for the read!
Only one thing is impossible for God: To find any sense in any copyright law on the planet.
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Rob Cave
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#6
Subtle, yet beautifully constructed. I personally would have liked the title - I haven't made love in a while. This would widen your audience and match the content of the poem. Just my pref. Nice!
Lover of words and love poems.
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