introspective descent
#1
A clamoring constant cacophony claws carelessly, criss-crossing cerebral courtyards
A flame flickers feebly from fatigued fingertips
Fathomless facades form foundations with no foothold
Adamantly alive, I am, accentuating appropriate apathy

Freedom flowing
Freely formed flowing
Freedom from form 
Fully flowing

Impart on me your wisdom
A reflection of myself
Facades cracking
Stuck with a splinter of serenity and a compelling urge to dig it out The chink in my armor, the crack in my fortress of solitude Sometimes these walls feel more alive than me
A place that time forgot, the world’s little forget-me-not
Ruminating on self-threats that brought me cold sweats

Inner child, rampant and wild, cut not our ties that bind
A piece of your mind brings peace to my mind
Eternal All, ethereal and wise, that blinding light that shone through my eyes
You understand my tears, and the source of my fears

That facetious castle is on its last leg
As the dust piles more and more, and the walls come crumbling to the floor
I choose not to fight, not to beg
But to surrender myself instead
Through the door cosmic divinity burst through
And to the shores of infinity, life began anew
#2
though original, and intelligent play with alliterations

are all airless airways 

if they don't connect in some intimate fashion with one another.

That being said, You have a lot of gems here.

stanza #2 is my favourite.

but I would like to see you take this one step further and attempt to create a more concrete synergy between your stanzas.
as opposed to what appears to be a list of ways to play with your words.

The only evidence of an over-arching idea being formed begins at the second last stanza 
and attempts to explain or barely justifies the beginning chunk of the poem. 

on the topic of endings...
the spiritual significance of the "cosmic submission" to life or whatever, greatly reduces the impact of your triumph against misery
because it was too convenient of an intervention from the cosmos that resulted simply from submitting to life arbitrarily.
I'm not buying it - that may have brought profound closure to you somehow, but that wasn't the case for me when I read it.


(10-01-2019, 08:14 AM)WooketryAfoot Wrote:  A clamoring constant cacophony claws carelessly, criss-crossing cerebral courtyards 
A flame flickers feebly from fatigued fingertips
Fathomless facades form foundations with no foothold  I'd like less abstraction and more links to an underlying theme with this line
Adamantly alive, I am, accentuating appropriate apathy

Freedom flowing freely
Freely flying formed flowing 
Freedom from form 
Fully flowing               you may find my wording less redundant

Impart on me your wisdom
A reflection of myself
Facades cracking 
Stuck with a splinter of serenity and a compelling urge to dig it out
I moved this long, run-on sentence down a line and added a comma the chink in my armor, the crack in my fortress of solitude,Sometimes these walls feel more alive than me feels a little out of place, like you threw it in because it sounded deep
A place that time forgot, the world’s little forget-me-not this is cute, I like this
Ruminating on self-threats that brought me cold sweats a little cliche and not worth mentioning in my opinion.

Inner child, rampant and wild, cut not our ties that bind bordering on cliche, I would remove this and find a different theme to support the content in your work...
A piece of your mind brings peace to my mind good, this is good
Eternal All, ethereal and wise, that blinding light that shone through my eyes
You understand my tears, and the source of my fears

That facetious castle is on its last leg
As the dust piles more and more, and the walls come crumbling to the floor the clause doesn't quite fit together intuitively 
I choose not to fight, not to beg
But to surrender myself instead
Through the door cosmic divinity burst through
And to the shores of infinity, life began anew no no no, bad cliche, bad.
Looking for a problem in writing? Won't find one.
#3
Wow, fantastic feedback! This is actually the first time I've submitted a poem for critiquing anywhere, and you're absolutely spot on. Alot of this was me having fun with wordplay and trying new things. 

There were a few parts I wanted to omit, because I as well thought they were a little cliche, but I wanted a critique of the full thing.  I was trying to write in a sort of stream of consciousness style but it did end up a bit all over the place. 
I guess the whole idea was to paint a picture of the mind of a withdrawn and socially shut-out person's persepective.  His/her eventual spiritual awakening then brings about a new perspective of life, which I agree was sudden and kind of forced at the end.

I'm excited to change this one a bit and see what I can come up with. Thanks for your help and feedback!
#4
Hello, and welcome!  

Before posting a poem, please offer feedback elsewhere in the workshops.  Thumbsup

Thank you, 
Quix/admin
The Soufflé isn’t the soufflé; the soufflé is the recipe. --Clara 




Users browsing this thread: 1 Guest(s)
Do NOT follow this link or you will be banned from the site!