1.01
#1
1.01

The first time Mandela died
we were seventeen and drunk;

me on you and you on me
and both of us drunk
on a spirit only seventeen
could distill.

And there was still oceans 
of it.

And there are still oceans
of it
we cannot remember

now we are sober.
Reply
#2
I really like this. Fantastic opening lines! I think it holds together to the end.

Best,

Todd


(09-27-2019, 12:34 PM)Tiger the Lion Wrote:  1.01

The first time Mandela died
we were seventeen and drunk;

me on you and you on me
and both of us drunk
on a spirit only seventeen
could distill.

And there was still oceans 
of it.

And there are still oceans
of it
we cannot remember

now we are sober.
The secret of poetry is cruelty.--Jon Anderson
Reply
#3
“Was” or “were”?
In my head, the read the of the lines without the “of it” and it sounds - maybe not better, but different. And I like it.
Lovely work
Reply
#4
Thanks Todd. The opening was originally part of the title. It's better as an opening line but left my title wanting.
@ Busker - I changed what to were and back again a number of times. At this point they both sound wrong. Blush I'll sit on it awhile.
Thanks for the reads guys,
Paul
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#5
dope.
nostalgiaaa .
.
.
.

I really like this
Looking for a problem in writing? Won't find one.
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