Fight THE MAN
#1
audiobook 
Hold no reviews back.

Fight THE MAN
It’s okay to be different, it’s often for the greater,
those who pretend to agree, are usually just a hater,
that will stab you in the back, and leave you all alone,
they will crap on all your dreams, and fap all in your zone,
it’s okay to be different, don’t try to be like the rest,
live, love, learn, and always try you best,
if ever there is a time, to give in and join the crowd,
stand tall with confidence, and lead them loud and proud.
Reply
#2
(09-21-2019, 11:36 PM)AlexTheAsian21 Wrote:  Hold no reviews back.

Fight THE MAN
It’s okay to be different, it’s often for the greater,
those who pretend to agree, are usually just a hater,
that will stab you in the back, and leave you all alone,
they will crap on all your dreams, and fap all in your zone,
it’s okay to be different, don’t try to be like the rest,
live, love, learn, and always try you best,
if ever there is a time, to give in and join the crowd,
stand tall with confidence, and lead them loud and proud.


Great job smashing so many cliches into a overly cliche'd subject.  The rhymes are too easy to be interesting, with the exception of fap and crap.  Even THE MAN has become a different entity over time and I don't believe is defined well enough in the 'fight' .
Peanut butter honey banana sandwiches
Reply
#3
I can't decide if this piece is intended to be some serious woe-is-me or a kind of tongue-in-cheek Tony Robbins parody. 'Stab in the back', 'crap on your dreams'...very cliché, very sad sap. Not that there's anything wrong with sad and sappy, you just have to disguise it a little better for it to be effective. The "fap all in your zone" is more comical, and makes the piece hard to take seriously (which isn't a bad thing if you're trying to lighten the mood intentionally). Then again, the over-the-top clichés in here make the poem impossible to take seriously in a bad way. 

My advice is to lose the common phrases like 'stab you in the back' which are common and expected, and replace them with your own ideas of what betrayal might look like. 

Good luck,

BrandonD
Reply




Users browsing this thread: 1 Guest(s)
Do NOT follow this link or you will be banned from the site!