Always Space
#1
Past the fading ink of poets, 
the blue between white wisps is yours. The sun,
unhidden like the toys we shared, darkened our
shadows wherein brighter rainbows
flashed with every step and pinecone kicked.

Autumn whispered clement truths with needles
of the little longleaf pines we passed, wearing
works of architects to dust. We laughed with unknown
trust at green anoles we named after our classmate,
skittering with others across our concrete path.

Raindrops, suffused with the red and gold of car lights,
also knew the way home; I followed
only with a finger--my head tilted sideways.

I was new and scarcely borne by strange linoleum,
stumbling over muted, stretched and worn out rubber.
I was introduced, then assigned a seat.

At recess, although everyone was running, shrieking,
our shadows being played with by the overcast,
                                                I approached
                                                and offered you a ball.
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#2
.
Hi Alex,
liked the mood, to me it has a gentle melancholy, but it seems to be trying too hard in places
and the ending doesn't feel as strong as it might. Though perhaps a different title might solve
that problem.

Past the fading ink of poets,

- good start, though why not 'Beyond' to go with 'blue' and 'between' ?
the blue between white wisps is yours. The sun,
unhidden like the toys we shared, darkened our
- I think 'unhidden' is the wrong word and 'like the toys we shared' introduces 'we'
too early. Perhaps just cut the line, keeping The sun / darkened our shadows ... ?
shadows wherein brighter rainbows
- why not simply 'where' for 'wherein' ?
flashed with every step and pine-cone kicked.

Autumn whispered clement truths with needles

- nice line
of the little longleaf pines we passed, wearing
- I think 'from' rather than 'of'. Given you use 'anoles' later, could you change
'longleaf pines' to Pinus palustris to avoid the repetition of 'pine' ?
works of architects to dust. We laughed with unknown
- given that this is a childhood memory/scene 'works of architects' seems too adult.
trust at green anoles we named after our classmate,
- 'unknown trust' is just trying too hard. Keep it simple.
skittering with others across our concrete path.
- Like the ambiguity about just who 'skittering' refers to.

Raindrops, suffused with the red and gold of car lights,

also knew the way home; I followed
only with a finger--my head tilted sideways.
- nice stanza (though it does seem to be from a different poem)

I was new and scarcely borne by strange linoleum,

- don't understand 'scarcely borne' at all.
stumbling over muted, stretched and worn out rubber.
- perhaps cut 'stretched' (and possibly 'muted' as well)
I was introduced, then assigned a seat.
- I'm not convinced by this verse. It's awkwardly constructed, and I don't
think it adds to the narrative. Might be worth cutting it completely.

At recess, although everyone was running, shrieking,

- 'although' doesn't work, for me' - why not '...while everyone else was ...' ?
our shadows being played with by the overcast,
- It's a nice idea, but I don't think this line is the best expression of it.
I approached
and offered you a ball.

Just something to think about ...

Past the fading ink of poets, the blue
between white wisps is yours. The sun,
darkened our shadows brighter rainbows
flashed with every step and pine cone kicked.
At recess, everyone was running, shrieking,
our shadows being played with by the overcast,
I approached and offered you a ball.

Autumn whispered clement truths with needles
of the little longleaf pines we passed, wearing
works of architects to dust. We laughed at green
anoles we named after our classmate, skittering
with others across our concrete path. Raindrops,
suffused with the red and gold of car lights,
also knew the way home; I followed
only with a finger--my head tilted sideways.


Best, Knot


.
Reply
#3
Hi Knot

Thank you for the read. A couple questions/comments on your feedback.
(09-07-2019, 07:53 PM)Knot Wrote:  .
Hi Alex,
liked the mood, to me it has a gentle melancholy, but it seems to be trying too hard in places
and the ending doesn't feel as strong as it might. Though perhaps a different title might solve
that problem.

Past the fading ink of poets,

- good start, though why not 'Beyond' to go with 'blue' and 'between' ?
the blue between white wisps is yours. The sun,
unhidden like the toys we shared, darkened our
- I think 'unhidden' is the wrong word and 'like the toys we shared' introduces 'we'
too early. Perhaps just cut the line, keeping The sun / darkened our shadows ... ? I'm not really clear on why "unhidden" is the wrong word. It conveys exactly what I want it to in its definition. Also if "we" is introduced too early then when in the poem would a "we" be justified? What does it mean that "we" is introduced too early?
shadows wherein brighter rainbows
- why not simply 'where' for 'wherein' ?
flashed with every step and pine-cone kicked.

Autumn whispered clement truths with needles

- nice line
of the little longleaf pines we passed, wearing
- I think 'from' rather than 'of'. Given you use 'anoles' later, could you change
'longleaf pines' to Pinus palustris to avoid the repetition of 'pine' ? Using the binomial name seems as adult as "works of architects" no? 
works of architects to dust. We laughed with unknown
- given that this is a childhood memory/scene 'works of architects' seems too adult. Agree
trust at green anoles we named after our classmate,
- 'unknown trust' is just trying too hard. Keep it simple. Agree
skittering with others across our concrete path.
- Like the ambiguity about just who 'skittering' refers to.

Raindrops, suffused with the red and gold of car lights,

also knew the way home; I followed
only with a finger--my head tilted sideways.
- nice stanza (though it does seem to be from a different poem)

I was new and scarcely borne by strange linoleum,

- don't understand 'scarcely borne' at all.
stumbling over muted, stretched and worn out rubber.
- perhaps cut 'stretched' (and possibly 'muted' as well)
I was introduced, then assigned a seat.
- I'm not convinced by this verse. It's awkwardly constructed, and I don't
think it adds to the narrative. Might be worth cutting it completely.

At recess, although everyone was running, shrieking,

- 'although' doesn't work, for me' - why not '...while everyone else was ...' ?
our shadows being played with by the overcast,
- It's a nice idea, but I don't think this line is the best expression of it.
I approached
and offered you a ball.

Just something to think about ...

Past the fading ink of poets, the blue
between white wisps is yours. The sun,
darkened our shadows brighter rainbows
flashed with every step and pine cone kicked.
At recess, everyone was running, shrieking,
our shadows being played with by the overcast,
I approached and offered you a ball.

Autumn whispered clement truths with needles
of the little longleaf pines we passed, wearing
works of architects to dust. We laughed at green
anoles we named after our classmate, skittering
with others across our concrete path. Raindrops,
suffused with the red and gold of car lights,
also knew the way home; I followed
only with a finger--my head tilted sideways.


Best, Knot


.
Thank you for your thorough feedback. I'll consider your suggested reworking of the piece.

Cheers,
Alex
Reply
#4
.
Hi Alex,
in answer to your questions:

I'm not really clear on why "unhidden" is the wrong word. It conveys exactly what I want it to in its definition.
I suppose it the unconventional usage, and the fact that a synonym, like 'displayed' would give a little alliterative lift with 'darkened'

Using the binomial name seems as adult as "works of architects" no?
Perhaps, but it seemed to me the binomial was something N might have been taught in school, whereas the phrase 'works of architects' was not.


Best, Knot



.
Reply
#5
Fair points Smile
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