She Said.
#1
I'm new to this, so please go easy! Would love to get some feedback.

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The morning came, he sat parked up, 
As he’d done for months before. 
Whilst outside the snow was falling and thick,
He crawled through what he saw. 
Motionless and lost, the frost encased,
The questions of what they'd done.
His mind reminded him, he screamed,
Over what they’d made him become.

Outside he saw someone stood still,
He froze like a sighted deer,
She walked to the window and tapped, you ok?
He was anything but, this was clear.
She asked him if he wanted to walk,
It’d be good to get some air.
He talked to her of his last few months,
Understating the despair.

He asked her if she was from there,
She said she’d been there a while.
She told him about all kinds of things,
And warmed him through her smile.
They walked for hours,
She laughed, he beamed,
They stopped and closer drew.
Until he thought of her again.
She killed it.
And killed this too.
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#2
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Hi WoW,
there's some nice storytelling once you get beyond the first verse and I'd
suggest working on developing verses two and three.

You could keep the opening two lines - they set the scene economically
- and then go straight into verse two. Though you'd ideally want to
rework 'stood still' and 'froze like a sighted deer' as they both seem to
mean the same thing.

The
morning came, he sat parked up

as he'd done each day for months,
outside, he saw someone watching
and froze ...
She walked to the window - you could add some description of 'her' here,
age, dress,how did she walk, etc? Why did she feel safe to approach him?
and tapped, you ok?
He was anything but, this was clear.
- not sure you need 'this was clear', her asking makes the point already.
She asked him if he wanted to walk,
It’d be good to get some air.
He talked to her of his last few months,
Understating the despair. Fooling no-one


I think you need to give the reader more of his story, otherwise the
ending lacks the power it needs.


Hope this helps.


Best, Knot




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#3
Hi Knot, thanks for this. Taking on board your feedback, will have a look at the first stanza again, set it up a little better. With ‘deer’ and ‘stood still’, I was hoping they’d give off the same meaning - they’re both deers in his exes sight. The end originally said, ‘she killed her, and killed him too.’. I was trying to make it reference to both his ex killing herself to him by the betrayal, and how the friend she left him for is also now dead to him, and also now this new girl, and him to her too. But couldn’t get it to work right. Can barely get the sentence explaining it to work right so not much hope of getting it in the poem! Think I was trying to get over too many punches at once.
Will expand on it a bit like you suggest, get a bit more descriptive.

Thanks very much for your feedback, really appreciated it.
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#4
(09-08-2019, 02:13 AM)WordOnWord Wrote:   With ‘deer’ and ‘stood still’, I was hoping they’d give off the same meaning - they’re both deers in his exes sight.
Why not use the phrase to apply to both?

Outside, in the falling snow
he saw someone standing
frozen like a sighted deer
he sat ...


re 'expanding' - it's much easier to edit down than add, so expand as much as you can, then worry about what happens next Smile

Best, Knot




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#5
Hi

Im commenting as a beginner too so I am learning just as much from reading other peoples replies to this poem.
 
 
I agree that I wanted the story to expand slightly. It was candid and clear in its intention. It resonated with me on an emotional basis because of the clear imagery (frost encased, and also the general image of being sat in a car trapped in your thoughts) which meant I was ready to make more emotional investment in the story but I felt it could have been explained more to really get me to hook into it. The last stanza was powerful to me and again would be even more powerful if there was a bit more set up behind it. I really enjoy the story telling in the poem. Because of how much it resonated with me even in the first stanza, there was a lot more room to tell me about the character or the story behind it. Having read your replies and comments I now understand the backstory more and it makes more sense and gives more of an impact to the last few lines. Im wary of trying to give any technical advice because im probably more of a beginner than you but I found it helpful to read others feedback to you. Thank you.
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#6
Really enjoyed the poem. You used great imagery to depict the turmoil and inner conflict the character is having. Anyone can relate to the spaces out staring at the world kind of stress (I think). Only critique I can think of is maybe better rhyming between the first verse? You made the other two flow in a rhyme so it just seems a little bit off maybe? Great poem though, thoroughly enjoyed.
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