Echoes
#1
Echoes (Senryu)


Women’s loud complaints
penetrate motel’s thin walls—
life, or NPR?



NPR = National Public Radio (US)
feedback award Non-practicing atheist
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#2
HA!
both?
Only one thing is impossible for God: To find any sense in any copyright law on the planet.
--mark twain
Rob Cave
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#3
(09-03-2019, 11:22 PM)dukealien Wrote:  Echoes (Senryu)


Women’s loud complaints
penetrate motel’s thin walls—
life, or NPR?



NPR = National Public Radio (US)

Is it live, or is it Memorex?

Gave me lots to think about, as far a a senryu goes, so I'd call that a success. I'm a student of short work and generally edit mine into oblivion one word and one comma at a time. 
Some thoughts if not crits...

Funny how the word "Women's"  opens up the possibility of a political statement whether the rest of the poem intends it or not. (more so in a short piece)

"penetrate" carries enough connotations as to be a pretty decent one word poem on its own. It's one of those weighty words that can get ahead of a poem. If "women's" was not plural, I could easily be distracted into thinking this was a wailing rape victim. However,this is an ambiguity that only survives a clumsy read. So I have no complaints. 

I first wondered if "life" said everything you wanted it to, or if it was just the best compromise to keep 5-7-5 alive. Now that I've had some time to digest it, I think it does just fine.   

Lastly, I'm struggling with the question mark. Do you need it? I mean, the poem reads as a question anyway, leaving the question mark out opens the possibility that this is a statement, as much as it is a question, with full deniability.  Thumbsup
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#4
(09-04-2019, 04:19 AM)Tiger the Lion Wrote:  
(09-03-2019, 11:22 PM)dukealien Wrote:  Echoes (Senryu)


Women’s loud complaints
penetrate motel’s thin walls—
life, or NPR?
Funny how the word "Women's"  opens up the possibility of a political statement whether the rest of the poem intends it or not. (more so in a short piece)

"penetrate" carries enough connotations as to be a pretty decent one word poem on its own. It's one of those weighty words that can get ahead of a poem. If "women's" was not plural, I could easily be distracted into thinking this was a wailing rape victim. However,this is an ambiguity that only survives a clumsy read. So I have no complaints. 

Not just "Women's". "NPR" being National Public Radio multiplies that weight, making a reading of this as some sort of comment on feminism's entrance into the public discourse practically irresistible. But whether it's a negative or a positive comment, I myself cannot say, not without a lot of bad faith: the most I've heard of NPR is podcasts and tiny desk concerts.
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#5
(09-03-2019, 11:22 PM)dukealien Wrote:  Echoes (Senryu)


Women’s loud complaints
penetrate motel’s thin walls—
life, or NPR?



NPR = National Public Radio (US)

I like this.
On the NPR (never heard of it, just assuming that it is what a liberal left dominated taxpayer funded establishment would be like), as in life, the complaints of angry feminists wanting to push invisible boundaries must be loud.

The second line is too long with “penetrate”
Maybe “soak”?
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