Dear Friend
#1
Sometimes I think I am lonely
When really got friends--lots of them.
But really you’re the only one for me
 
I feel comfortable talking to you and
I can say what I want to you through this
letter.
And there are other things I want to say
 
to you but there isn’t really anything else
I want to mention other than you best buddy
Today I took my dog out to the park and these
people wouldn’t stop staring at me. These days
 
I wish I could speak with you in real life, but please
don’t stare at me too much, I am not much to see
through the eyes of the soul
I will try to express through my heart and out my
mouth about what books I read and the fact that
you don’t read much do you, I think you are crazy.
A little bit--but I think you’ve got alot going on
for yourself buddy and I wonder whether you are playing
games with my heart as I write this letter, don’t be awkward.
 
We are living in the 21st century you know, so don’t hide the
things you say, we can either find your words on YouTube or
on the internet, and trust me you’ll always have people finding
every movement you make
Anyway, thank you for reading this and take care.
Until next time when I really get you feeling up on me
 
Which is weird--and gross!


Failed to adhere to forum rules.  -Quix/admin
#2
This feels like a midnight text message to a crush. I think it's directed at too specific a particular person. If that's your intent I still don't fully grasp it. The punctuation and grammar. I like the bit about the dog, then the 'buddy' s don't seem to match the tone of soul and heart. I would scrap it and not send the text, hope you figure it out
Peanut butter honey banana sandwiches
#3
(08-23-2019, 08:37 PM)CRNDLSM Wrote:  This feels like a midnight text message to a crush.  I think it's directed at too specific a particular person.  If that's your intent I still don't fully grasp it.  The punctuation and grammar.  I like the bit about the dog, then the 'buddy' s don't seem to match the tone of soul and heart.  I would scrap it and not send the text, hope you figure it out
Thanks for commenting so your telling me that I should scrap the buddy part?
#4
I meant scrap the entire thing.  I usually write with an objective, and I try to drive a point in using word choices and patterns that lead the reader where I want them to go.  Sometimes that point is just to feel how I feel when I view a scene or think of a subject.
Forgive this rewrite based on how I imagine I would say what I think you're saying, my words are not yours this is just an example

Dear friend,

I have lots of friends,
but you're the only one for me.

I actually feel comfortable enough
to tell you how I feel, how I really feel.  Even though
all I want to say is you're the best,
I could go on and on.

I wish you were here now, 
we could talk about people 
and dogs and books even though
I know you don't read.

You're crazy!

I caught you feeling me up the other day.
I thought it was weird and gross,
but you don't have to hide how you feel 
from me.  

This is the 21st century!  Of course you can
be yourself around me, you're my best friend!
I don't want to play games,
I don't want to be awkward,
I wish you were here, thanks for reading this,

Take care...
Peanut butter honey banana sandwiches
#5
(08-25-2019, 10:38 PM)CRNDLSM Wrote:  I meant scrap the entire thing.  I usually write with an objective, and I try to drive a point in using word choices and patterns that lead the reader where I want them to go.  Sometimes that point is just to feel how I feel when I view a scene or think of a subject.
Forgive this rewrite based on how I imagine I would say what I think you're saying, my words are not yours this is just an example

Dear friend,

I have lots of friends,
but you're the only one for me.

I actually feel comfortable enough
to tell you how I feel, how I really feel.  Even though
all I want to say is you're the best,
I could go on and on.

I wish you were here now, 
we could talk about people 
and dogs and books even though
I know you don't read.

You're crazy!

I caught you feeling me up the other day.
I thought it was weird and gross,
but you don't have to hide how you feel 
from me.  

This is the 21st century!  Of course you can
be yourself around me, you're my best friend!
I don't want to play games,
I don't want to be awkward,
I wish you were here, thanks for reading this,

Take care...
Aw but I love this poem maybe I'll revise the piece to the way you did it and keep it.
#6
You can always wait for more feedback
Peanut butter honey banana sandwiches
#7
Yeah I guess I could.
#8
It reads alot like spoken word, alot of this piece is best represented though that medium. I agree with CRNDLSM in the sense that this could be a solid poem if you word is in a different structure. EX:

Dear friend,

Life has shown me a full scene,
but you are all I see.

When we talk words flow,
as if a stream of confidence.
Content as I type,
steady as I breathe.

Picturing you now,
our lives in mind,
talks about dogs and friends,
books and idea's
shivering down the spine.

Make this letter take shape and use imagery and metaphor to make it flow. There is much good in here, but there are so many ways to package it.
Thanks for the read!
Only one thing is impossible for God: To find any sense in any copyright law on the planet.
--mark twain
Rob Cave
#9
(08-28-2019, 07:19 AM)Bunx Wrote:  It reads alot like spoken word, alot of this piece is best represented though that medium. I agree with CRNDLSM in the sense that this could be a solid poem if you word is in a different structure. EX:

Dear friend,

Life has shown me a full scene,
but you are all I see.

When we talk words flow,
as if a stream of confidence.
Content as I type,
steady as I breathe.

Picturing you now,
our lives in mind,
talks about dogs and friends,
books and idea's
shivering down the spine.

Make this letter take shape and use imagery and metaphor to make it flow. There is much good in here, but there are so many ways to package it.
Thanks for the read!
By the way is the poem beautiful? Cause it reads like it is, anyway thanks for reading my piece and I will take your example as use that as my own, again thank you for reading my poem, another thing: this is my style of writing and I don't want to lose it because confessional poetry is what i write! What do you think? Is it worth losing?




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