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#1
A still bay ripples,
boats tell a great deal
from where-beens to where-ares
water quells darkness
with blue.

Depths divide us,
most never see
those pretty little rocks at the bottom.
Only the sun's sparkle
on the surface.

A pleasant view to all,
yet there's something special
about a journey to great depths
just to come back
with a pretty little rock
for all to admire,
all but you.
How thoughtful
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#2
(08-12-2019, 07:03 AM)Weeded Wrote:  A still bay ripples,
boats tell a great deal
from where-beens to where-ares
water quells darkness
with blue.

Depths divide us,
most never see
those pretty little rocks at the bottom.
Only the sun's sparkle
on the surface.

A pleasant view to all,
yet there's something special
about a journey to great depths
just to come back
with a pretty little rock
for all to admire,
all but you.

I enjoyed this. S1 and S2 are well constructed, in my opinion. Fairs breaks, good rhythm, no complaints. S3 feels like mostly an afterthought -- more explanation than experience. I'd be careful of making a separate line for something that doesn't give me experience ("yet there's something special").

S1 and S2 might be improved with minor tweaks.
S3 should be reexamined.
Overall, I like what you're making here.
If you're the smartest person in the room, you're in the wrong room.

"Or, if a poet writes a poem, then immediately commits suicide (as any decent poet should)..." -- Erthona
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#3
Blueprint,

thank you for your feedback. I will revise per your suggestions

mike
How thoughtful
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#4
I haven't much to say about this, that's a good and a bad thing. It reads well, but I needed to re-read it to extract all it had to offer me, which I think with your level of word placement, you can do better.
make me realize its special while I'm reading, not after I've finished.

(08-12-2019, 07:03 AM)Weeded Wrote:  A still bay ripples,
boats tell a great deal
from where-beens to where-ares
water quells darkness now this is a CHOP. At first these two lines seemed out of place, but I could not find where else they would fit, and so they actually stand beautifully alone
with blue.

Depths divide us, I wouldn't use 'divide' here, depth provides room for connection - maybe the depths allow things to appear more distant than they actually are
most never see
those pretty little rocks at the bottom.
Only the sun's sparkle
on the surface.

A pleasant view to all,
yet there's something special
about a journey to great depths
just to come back
with a pretty little rock
for all to admire,
all but you.  normally I'd enjoy this closer, but you made the beautiful watery depths a personal feud or something with 'you'.
 it leads me to believe everything is a metaphor which hurts me a lot because now I've been tricked into thinking this was about water Sad not bad at all.

good job!
Looking for a problem in writing? Won't find one.
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