The Darker The Beast, The Louder The Scream
#1
The Darker The Beast, The Louder The Scream

(Performance Poem Script)

The mouthing jaws of the mountain,
its topaz eyes of winter,
the creaking regal posture
of an ancient hungry…




I’ve no divine sword
nor Zeusian arms of judgement,
I am but a puppet
for the world to pull my strings,
make me dance
make me cry,
just please don’t make me…
… 
… 
… 
… 
The burn mark itches
with dryness and red,
I try to scratch it off
but it’s branded me a…
… 
… 
… 

The bandage releases,
peers the demon’s face,
an ice cold wraith,
a gluttonous tyrant
freezes me in my moment of trepidation,
my moment of trepidation,
my moment of trepidation,
my moment of trepidation!
I am an animal,
nothing more nothing less,
then what am I to this monster,
what am…




Perception is an illusion
or is it real?
What is real and not?
My fear is real.
My fear is…




Give me a gun a sword an axe,
anything to fend this attack!
I’ll bow I’ll shit I’ll cry I…




MURDERER, DEAD, COWARD, NOT REAL,
I AM BRAVE, I WON’T DIE!
I WON'T LIVE, I WON’T CRY!
I AM WEAK, I AM FLAWED
BUT I AM NOT A NAIL IN THE BOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAARD!!!!!
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!
I AM NOT A NAIL IN THE BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOARD!!!
I AM NOT I AM NOT I AM NOT I AM NOT I AM NOT I AM NOT
A NAIL IN THE BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOARD!!!
I cast you back to hell.
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#2
In intensive critique, recognizing that this is meant for performance but in absence of a video showing B-roll, dramatic motion, etc., mainly concentrating on written aspects.

(08-11-2019, 09:27 AM)Oden Prufrock Wrote:  The Darker The Beast, The Louder The Scream  Effective title which promises much

(Performance Poem Script)

The mouthing jaws of the mountain, In general, watch out for "the" used as intensifier rather than its rare use indicating uniqueness (a priest, the Pope).  Here "These mouthing jaws of mountain/topaz eyes of winter" could flow better, for example
its topaz eyes of winter,
the creaking regal posture
of an ancient hungry… Another general comment:  in performance the ellipses will presumably segue into dance/motion and/or musical passages.  Looking at the words alone, they seem incomplete.




I’ve no divine sword
nor Zeusian arms of judgement, While Zeus, being Boss God, could do anything including grants of arms, his armorer Hephaestus/Vulcan, could be more recognizable here.  Especially "Vulcan arms" with Vulcan as adjective.
I am but a puppet To allay the cliche, consider "marionette" and some variant of pulling strings - "for this world to twitch my limbs," for example.
for the world to pull my strings,
make me dance
make me cry,
just please don’t make me…
… 
… 
… 
… 
The burn mark itches
with dryness and red, "itches... with red" is striking but difficult.  Perhaps "itches red with dryness"
I try to scratch it off
but it’s branded me a… Incompleteness into the ellipsis is particularly problematic here.
… 
… 
… 

The bandage releases, "releases" is an odd thing to say about a bandage, and the following line seems to be an inversion.  Perhaps something like "This bandage peels,/reveals my demon's leer"
peers the demon’s face,
an ice cold wraith,
a gluttonous tyrant very good image here
freezes me in my moment of trepidation, I get "trepidation," but 4x repeat may be excessive unless there's a good presentation reason.  Perhaps vary with fear... doubt... rage or the like.
my moment of trepidation,
my moment of trepidation,
my moment of trepidation!
I am an animal,
nothing more nothing less, this comma shouldn't be here
then what am I to this monster,
what am…




Perception is an illusion
or is it real?
What is real and not? A nice line, especially if read as "What is [both] real and not?"
My fear is real.
My fear is…




Give me a gun a sword an axe, Need some commas here, and perhaps an em-dash at line end
anything to fend this attack! Although "fend off" sounds like a cliche avoided, it's really one word, as if it were "fend-off;" "fend" by itself doesn't make sense.  Perhaps "counter" in place of "fend?"
I’ll bow I’ll shit I’ll cry I…




MURDERER, DEAD, COWARD, NOT REAL,
I AM BRAVE, I WON’T DIE!
I WON'T LIVE, I WON’T CRY!
I AM WEAK, I AM FLAWED
BUT I AM NOT A NAIL IN THE BOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAARD!!!!!
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!
I AM NOT A NAIL IN THE BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOARD!!!
I AM NOT I AM NOT I AM NOT I AM NOT I AM NOT I AM NOT
A NAIL IN THE BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOARD!!!
I cast you back to hell. This last line is nicely ambiguous:  is the speaker announcing success in exorcising the demon, or the demon announcing the speaker's failure in a different voice?

This puts me in mind of a role-playing game or literature derived from one.  Is the speaker a player character trying to avoid grisly death, or a NPC monster complaining of its fate?
feedback award Non-practicing atheist
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#3
(08-12-2019, 04:15 AM)dukealien Wrote:  In intensive critique, recognizing that this is meant for performance but in absence of a video showing B-roll, dramatic motion, etc., mainly concentrating on written aspects.

(08-11-2019, 09:27 AM)Oden Prufrock Wrote:  The Darker The Beast, The Louder The Scream  Effective title which promises much

(Performance Poem Script)

The mouthing jaws of the mountain, In general, watch out for "the" used as intensifier rather than its rare use indicating uniqueness (a priest, the Pope).  Here "These mouthing jaws of mountain/topaz eyes of winter" could flow better, for example
its topaz eyes of winter,
the creaking regal posture
of an ancient hungry… Another general comment:  in performance the ellipses will presumably segue into dance/motion and/or musical passages.  Looking at the words alone, they seem incomplete.




I’ve no divine sword
nor Zeusian arms of judgement, While Zeus, being Boss God, could do anything including grants of arms, his armorer Hephaestus/Vulcan, could be more recognizable here.  Especially "Vulcan arms" with Vulcan as adjective.
I am but a puppet To allay the cliche, consider "marionette" and some variant of pulling strings - "for this world to twitch my limbs," for example.
for the world to pull my strings,
make me dance
make me cry,
just please don’t make me…
… 
… 
… 
… 
The burn mark itches
with dryness and red, "itches... with red" is striking but difficult.  Perhaps "itches red with dryness"
I try to scratch it off
but it’s branded me a… Incompleteness into the ellipsis is particularly problematic here.
… 
… 
… 

The bandage releases, "releases" is an odd thing to say about a bandage, and the following line seems to be an inversion.  Perhaps something like "This bandage peels,/reveals my demon's leer"
peers the demon’s face,
an ice cold wraith,
a gluttonous tyrant very good image here
freezes me in my moment of trepidation, I get "trepidation," but 4x repeat may be excessive unless there's a good presentation reason.  Perhaps vary with fear... doubt... rage or the like.
my moment of trepidation,
my moment of trepidation,
my moment of trepidation!
I am an animal,
nothing more nothing less, this comma shouldn't be here
then what am I to this monster,
what am…




Perception is an illusion
or is it real?
What is real and not? A nice line, especially if read as "What is [both] real and not?"
My fear is real.
My fear is…




Give me a gun a sword an axe, Need some commas here, and perhaps an em-dash at line end
anything to fend this attack! Although "fend off" sounds like a cliche avoided, it's really one word, as if it were "fend-off;" "fend" by itself doesn't make sense.  Perhaps "counter" in place of "fend?"
I’ll bow I’ll shit I’ll cry I…




MURDERER, DEAD, COWARD, NOT REAL,
I AM BRAVE, I WON’T DIE!
I WON'T LIVE, I WON’T CRY!
I AM WEAK, I AM FLAWED
BUT I AM NOT A NAIL IN THE BOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAARD!!!!!
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!
I AM NOT A NAIL IN THE BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOARD!!!
I AM NOT I AM NOT I AM NOT I AM NOT I AM NOT I AM NOT
A NAIL IN THE BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOARD!!!
I cast you back to hell. This last line is nicely ambiguous:  is the speaker announcing success in exorcising the demon, or the demon announcing the speaker's failure in a different voice?

This puts me in mind of a role-playing game or literature derived from one.  Is the speaker a player character trying to avoid grisly death, or a NPC monster complaining of its fate?

TAYQ no. It develops its own meaning also the gaps are just pauses because of the inability to express what’s at the end which would be more evident in a performance.
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#4
I enjoy the play with perspectives, though it's a rather lazy attempt, mostly because of using "you" and "it" indiscriminately, this type of ambiguity is confusing in a tedious way for the reader unless you set up descriptions for these nameless figures, which you have not.
I feel as though the demonic-self-realization is the vehicle for this "performance" but I'm given nothing but a stream of helpless thoughts.
And it goes no further than that, plus the title doesn't clue me in to any depth after revisiting it during my readings.
That is not necessarily a bad thing, I just thought it'd be more than what it is.

I lack the imagination with what little you've given me to work with, and what you have given was laid out in an obvious manner, which is the anticipation in someone's head that simply leads to more ambiguity. The pauses are meant for "performance" but you're essentially making the reader do all the work here, and I don't read to do work unless it's enticing.

Not only are you making me do the work, but the way you've chosen to build up anticipation systematically in a logical manner, which is boring as hell (no pun intended).

(08-11-2019, 09:27 AM)Oden Prufrock Wrote:  The Darker The Beast, The Louder The Scream

(Performance Poem Script)

The mouthing jaws of the mountain,
its topaz eyes of winter, 
the creaking regal posture
of an ancient hungry… good first stanza, sets the mood, wording is intriguing. 




I’ve no divine sword
nor Zeusian arms of judgement,
I am but a puppet
for the world to pull my strings,
make me dance
make me cry,
just please don’t make me…

okay, so we're aware the speaker feels powerless but that's all, it's the main theme here and there is nothing really special about that.
… 
… 
… 
… 
The burn mark itches
with dryness and red,
I try to scratch it off
but it’s branded me a…

"it" has done something to the speaker, you've confirmed there is "it" and "you", but now you've pretty much laid out perfect bread crumbs that I can expect to see later on, you've given your anticipation away already.
… 
… 
… 

The bandage releases,
peers the demon’s face,
an ice cold wraith, I like this imagery, works well with the mountain
a gluttonous tyrant I don't see how this is the case
freezes me in my moment of trepidation,
my moment of trepidation, 
my moment of trepidation, nice repetition
my moment of trepidation! 
I am an animal,
nothing more nothing less,
then what am I to this monster,
what am…

this stanza has figured everything out for me




Perception is an illusion
or is it real?
What is real and not?
My fear is real.
My fear is…




Give me a gun a sword an axe,
anything to fend this attack!
I’ll bow I’ll shit I’ll cry I…





this last stanza really doesn't make sense, where is all of this fighting spirit coming from all of the sudden? It builds up randomly and we haven't a clue what's going on.
MURDERER, DEAD, COWARD, NOT REAL,
I AM BRAVE, I WON’T DIE! 
I WON'T LIVE, I WON’T CRY!
I AM WEAK, I AM FLAWED
BUT I AM NOT A NAIL IN THE BOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAARD!!!!! the nail in the board? 
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!
I AM NOT A NAIL IN THE BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOARD!!!
I AM NOT I AM NOT I AM NOT I AM NOT I AM NOT I AM NOT
A NAIL IN THE BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOARD!!! 
I cast you back to hell.  I cast "you" back to hell, well then what is this "it" we've been reading all along?
Looking for a problem in writing? Won't find one.
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#5
(08-14-2019, 12:48 AM)cloud Wrote:  I enjoy the play with perspectives, though it's a rather lazy attempt, mostly because of using "you" and "it" indiscriminately, this type of ambiguity is confusing in a tedious way for the reader unless you set up descriptions for these nameless figures, which you have not.
I feel as though the demonic-self-realization is the vehicle for this "performance" but I'm given nothing but a stream of helpless thoughts.
And it goes no further than that, plus the title doesn't clue me in to any depth after revisiting it during my readings.
That is not necessarily a bad thing, I just thought it'd be more than what it is.

I lack the imagination with what little you've given me to work with, and what you have given was laid out in an obvious manner, which is the anticipation in someone's head that simply leads to more ambiguity. The pauses are meant for "performance" but you're essentially making the reader do all the work here, and I don't read to do work unless it's enticing.

Not only are you making me do the work, but the way you've chosen to build up anticipation systematically in a logical manner, which is boring as hell (no pun intended).

(08-11-2019, 09:27 AM)Oden Prufrock Wrote:  The Darker The Beast, The Louder The Scream

(Performance Poem Script)

The mouthing jaws of the mountain,
its topaz eyes of winter, 
the creaking regal posture
of an ancient hungry… good first stanza, sets the mood, wording is intriguing. 




I’ve no divine sword
nor Zeusian arms of judgement,
I am but a puppet
for the world to pull my strings,
make me dance
make me cry,
just please don’t make me…

okay, so we're aware the speaker feels powerless but that's all, it's the main theme here and there is nothing really special about that.
… 
… 
… 
… 
The burn mark itches
with dryness and red,
I try to scratch it off
but it’s branded me a…

"it" has done something to the speaker, you've confirmed there is "it" and "you", but now you've pretty much laid out perfect bread crumbs that I can expect to see later on, you've given your anticipation away already.
… 
… 
… 

The bandage releases,
peers the demon’s face,
an ice cold wraith, I like this imagery, works well with the mountain
a gluttonous tyrant I don't see how this is the case
freezes me in my moment of trepidation,
my moment of trepidation, 
my moment of trepidation, nice repetition
my moment of trepidation! 
I am an animal,
nothing more nothing less,
then what am I to this monster,
what am…

this stanza has figured everything out for me




Perception is an illusion
or is it real?
What is real and not?
My fear is real.
My fear is…




Give me a gun a sword an axe,
anything to fend this attack!
I’ll bow I’ll shit I’ll cry I…





this last stanza really doesn't make sense, where is all of this fighting spirit coming from all of the sudden? It builds up randomly and we haven't a clue what's going on.
MURDERER, DEAD, COWARD, NOT REAL,
I AM BRAVE, I WON’T DIE! 
I WON'T LIVE, I WON’T CRY!
I AM WEAK, I AM FLAWED
BUT I AM NOT A NAIL IN THE BOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAARD!!!!! the nail in the board? 
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!
I AM NOT A NAIL IN THE BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOARD!!!
I AM NOT I AM NOT I AM NOT I AM NOT I AM NOT I AM NOT
A NAIL IN THE BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOARD!!! 
I cast you back to hell.  I cast "you" back to hell, well then what is this "it" we've been reading all along?

This performance is about courage and the meaning of morality for a weak, vulnerable being. Why stand up to an overwhelming force if you know you’ll get hammered down? For you to understand this poem you need to lose the idea of identity and simply look at the image the poem is painting. The darker the beast, the louder the scream is a double meaning.
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#6
I dont like this. Even when imagined as a performance it feels like its begging to be taken serious. I can imagine this performance in a satirical sitcom.

That said, people have disliked great things before.

Maybe youre on to something, personally im not a fan.

mike
How thoughtful
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#7
(08-18-2019, 03:39 AM)Weeded Wrote:  I dont like this. Even when imagined as a performance it feels like its begging to be taken serious. I can imagine this performance in a satirical sitcom.

That said, people have disliked great things before.

Maybe youre on to something, personally im not a fan.

mike

Yeah I think it would need a concept to explore the idea through so it’s a bit more nuanced and enticing. Like another performance poem I did for English Extension Two where I explored the concept of chaos and order affecting human growth through the literary ages and personas from them too.
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#8
When it comes to performance art I think the #1 consideration would have to be your audience, not your self. You can explore metaphorical rabbit holes and find Wonderland but it wont meant shit if your audience is expecting sock puppets.
How thoughtful
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