Rose
#1
it’s a rose.
a rose, that represents passion, & love.
it’s petals are ruby red.
the inner sides of them flame up in ash of pollen.
while it’s leaves ablaze green.


white, small flowers surround the rose. 
twisting and curling around its stem,
as if it is a vine.
thin lines, crinkle across the leaves
like a tattoo. 
if I pulled the rose close to my nose,
its aura would come in contact with me.
the smell of clean nature.


a day passed, and the rose was flat.
no volume, no energy.
arising, just the rotten smell of death,
.
the stem was no longer high of life,
it flaked to the side, the petals 
no longer red. as the leaves were no longer seen. 
the spill of mud traveled down through the veins,
out spewed the smell of a concoction.
the leaves were curled up in a fetal position, 
when touched they felt stale, dry,
and the air no longer blew it to life.
it lived through the day, but not through the night.


the rose was just a rose.
it lived, it died.
It had a purpose, until the sunrise.
- MindlMatter
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#2
This will be an interesting one to critique - some good points, come suggestions to be provided.  To get a feel for the critique process, try critiquing three or so of the available submissions... and welcome!
feedback award Non-practicing atheist
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#3
(08-09-2019, 08:20 AM)mindlmatter Wrote:  it’s a rose.
a rose, that represents passion, & love.
it’s petals are ruby red.
the inner sides of them flame up in ash of pollen.
while it’s leaves ablaze green.


white, small flowers surround the rose. 
twisting and curling around its stem,
as if it is a vine.
thin lines, crinkle across the leaves
like a tattoo. 
if I pulled the rose close to my nose,
its aura would come in contact with me.
the smell of clean nature.


a day passed, and the rose was flat.
no volume, no energy.
arising, just the rotten smell of death,
.
the stem was no longer high of life,
it flaked to the side, the petals 
no longer red. as the leaves were no longer seen. 
the spill of mud traveled down through the veins,
out spewed the smell of a concoction.
the leaves were curled up in a fetal position, 
when touched they felt stale, dry,
and the air no longer blew it to life.
it lived through the day, but not through the night.


the rose was just a rose.
it lived, it died.
It had a purpose, until the sunrise.

First off, in Basic critique, and not to be pedantic, but to those brought up on strict rules of grammar the use of "it's" and  (non-)use of "its" jars right at the beginning.  From the inner pedant:  "it's" is the contraction of "it is" while "its" is the possessive of "it."  Logically, there's no logic to that rule, an argument could be made that it should be the other way 'round.  But to be correct (unless a fine point is being made by the reversal) it's best to stick with standard grammar.  So, it's a rose and its leaves are green.

There seem to be more commas than necessary - have a look and see if removing some (and replacing a period or two with a comma) improves the flow.  I'd also avoid the ampersand ("&") since pedants may trip slightly, wondering if "et" was meant.  Try reading your poem aloud, and see if the full-stops and columns direct the reading as you intend.  There are places where an em-dash could profitably substitute for a period, or just the end of a line with no punctuation sub for either.

Parts of speech:  as an example, "while it[]s leaves ablaze green" could replace the adjective "ablaze" with "blaze" to give the phrase a verb (What do its leaves do?  They blaze green.)

A few cliches, such as "ruby red."  Part of the challenge is inventing a new expression that's as good as the cliche - for example, your "flame up in ash of pollen" is excellent.

The overall idea is good - a rose, described vibrantly alive and then again with life having left it.  Your closing brings in the idea of its purpose, which (aside from representing passion and love) is not supported elsewhere.  As you edit, think about how you can work that theme (or another) into the descriptions.  For example, the biblical "all mortal flesh is as the grass, and all the lordliness of men is as the flower of grasses" uses a simile between the flower and people.  If you expand on the rose's purpose, or what it represents, you could sustain such a symbolism.

In summary, watch phrasing and punctuation, as well as grammar.  This is poetry, it doesn't have to use complete sentences, but they can improve the reading.  Try using the second or third word that comes to mind.
feedback award Non-practicing atheist
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#4
Hope you're enjoying the site.

The poem is too long; mostly because of how you're choosing to describe things, as if it were a stream of mundanity.
That being said, the stanzas are spaced well, short where they need to be.




(08-09-2019, 08:20 AM)mindlmatter Wrote:  it’s a rose.
a rose, that represents passion, & love. So what? Why the need to tell us? This should be implied through your writing.
it’s petals are ruby red. 
the inner sides of them flame up in ash of pollen.  Thumbsup
while it’s leaves ablaze green. different adjective please, doesn't quite fit for me


white, small flowers surround the rose. 
twisting and curling around its stem,
as if it is a vine.
thin lines, crinkle across the leaves
like a tattoo. 
if I pulled the rose close to my nose, 
its aura would come in contact with me.
the smell of clean nature.


a day passed, and the rose was flat.
no volume, no energy.
arising, just the rotten smell of death,
.
the stem was no longer high of life,
it flaked to the side, the petals 
no longer red. as the leaves were no longer seen.  Huh
the spill of mud traveled down through the veins,
out spewed the smell of a concoction.
the leaves were curled up in a fetal position, strange, but okay
when touched they felt stale, dry,
and the air no longer blew it to life.
it lived through the day, but not through the night.


the rose was just a rose.
it lived, it died.
It had a purpose, until the sunrise. this last stanza wrapped it up nicely, but only to confirm what we had been reading already, that this is meaningless.
Looking for a problem in writing? Won't find one.
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#5
Hi,

I enjoyed it- vivid imagery that engaged me visually.

I like the short first line, it got my attention and made me want to read on.

I liked that you engaged both my visual, and olfactory senses more than once. Even words like 'volume' and 'energy' provoked a sensory response.

I liked that you carried a clear theme and comparison throughout the poem rather than trying to fit too much into it or stray too far from the original topic of the piece.

The ending was impact however I felt like i could have got a little lost in that last 'paragraph'-the poem might have had more impact if it were a little shorter or the ideas were presented in a more compact way?

The use of the life cycle and contrast of life and death left the poem open for many interpretations or meanings for different people. 

The beginning and the end were candid, vivid and direct and the content of the middle could have been presented in a more succinct way, I think..
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#6
it’s a rose.
a rose, Repetitive--might you find another way to approach this (pronoun?) that represents passion, & love. Show, don't tell
it’s petals are ruby red cliche (glow scarlet? or some such...)
the inner sides of them flame up in ash of pollen.
while it’s leaves ablaze green. For me green just does not blaze


white, small flowers surround the rose. 
twisting and curling around its stem,
as if it is a vine.
thin lines, crinkle across the leaves
like a tattoo. 
if I pulled the rose close to my nose, You only insert yourself in here. Why not stay out and let the rose do the work? I also found the line cumbersome, but not sure why.
its aura would come in contact with me.
the smell of clean nature.


a day passed, and the rose was flat.
no volume, no energy.
arising, just the rotten smell of death, Never had a rose go that bad ever, certainly not in one day
.
the stem was no longer high of life,
it flaked to the side, the petals 
no longer red Use a direct description (faded or grey) instead of a negation of red. as the leaves were no longer seen. 
the spill of mud traveled down through the veins,
out spewed the smell of a concoction. The "spill of mud" and "spewed" bring to my mind nausea and vomit. Do you want it that strongly worded
the leaves were curled up in a fetal position, 
when touched Not needed, felt implies touch. they felt stale, dry,
and the air no longer blew it to life.
it lived through the day, but not through the night.


the rose was just a rose.
it lived, it died.
It had a purpose, until the sunrise.


I think you have a good subject matter. I get the sense of a flower given to impress and manipulate, hiding insincere motives.
if that is it, tell us a bit more of the story.

I am mixed on the first 5 lines of second stanza, nice descriptions of the flower but thinking they're not really needed to move the poem forward. Hope some of this blather is useful.

jeff
Life is far to important to take seriously. Tongue
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#7
(08-09-2019, 08:20 AM)mindlmatter Wrote:  it’s a rose. At first read this line seemed basic, but in context I think it is fitting. You could switch it up like "Gazing at a rose, Look at...ect...
a rose, that represents passion, & love. maybe could do without "a rose"
it’s petals are ruby red. Kind of a cliche, hard to avoid when taking about roses, maybe you could try "relentless red"
the inner sides of them flame up in ash of pollen.
while it’s leaves ablaze green.


white, small flowers surround the rose. 
twisting and curling around its stem,
as if it is a vine. Love the foreshadow of personification
thin lines, crinkle across the leaves
like a tattoo.  love this analogy / personification, you could try "as if a tattoo" or "as if a chosen design"
if I pulled the rose close to my nose,
its aura would come in contact with me.
the smell of clean nature.


a day passed, and the rose was flat. Maybe loose the "and"
no volume, no energy.
arising, just the rotten smell of death,
.
the stem was no longer high of life, Keep thinking of maybe developing the personification "the stem became withered, tired of life"
it flaked to the side, the petals 
no longer red. as the leaves were no longer seen. 
the spill of mud traveled down through the veins,
out spewed the smell of a concoction.
the leaves were curled up in a fetal position, 
when touched they felt stale, dry,
and the air no longer blew it to life.
it lived through the day, but not through the night.


the rose was just a rose.
it lived, it died.
It had a purpose, until the sunrise. Love how you tie in purpose, temporary or otherwise!

Really dig this idea, I feel like there is aton of ways you could revisit this idea, maybe make it a little less wordy. Or you could write a reflected poem high lighting the personification / symbolism / how the life of a rose (as a symbol of love) and death of a rose often mirror the elements they symbolism.

Anyways love the direction and idea, keep on going! Hopefully some of my edits helped!

Thanks for the read!
Only one thing is impossible for God: To find any sense in any copyright law on the planet.
--mark twain
Rob Cave
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#8
I think there is real validity to the critique that has been offered and I would certainly agree that there is an issue in that the opening verse doesn't grab one's attention as it is so descriptive in nature.

I see no real reason for absence of appropriate capitalisation until the last verse - is this to indicate immaturity?

The imagery lacks sophistication and Bunx's adaptation picks up on this, where more mature phrasing would have led to a much more engaging read.

The final verse is rather lacklustre and matter of fact. I get the sense that the rose is a metaphor for a relationship, one that whilst in full bloom holds such promise of love and romance, but once it wilts, there's nothing to it, it was good while it lasted type of thinking. So this matter of fact ending lacks a sense that it neither meant anything to either the giver or recipient of the rose, so it invokes the idea that the relationship never stood a chance (?). I guess I'm not 'down with' the entire negativity and being the optimist that I am, I'd like to think that the narrator could at least hold on to the memory of the 'rose' and cast their minds back to it (if only the times when the rose was at its peak!) from time to time in moments of solitude...

Thanks for the read.
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