Rose
#1
it’s a rose.
a rose, that represents passion, & love.
it’s petals are ruby red.
the inner sides of them flame up in ash of pollen.
while it’s leaves ablaze green.


white, small flowers surround the rose. 
twisting and curling around its stem,
as if it is a vine.
thin lines, crinkle across the leaves
like a tattoo. 
if I pulled the rose close to my nose,
its aura would come in contact with me.
the smell of clean nature.


a day passed, and the rose was flat.
no volume, no energy.
arising, just the rotten smell of death,
.
the stem was no longer high of life,
it flaked to the side, the petals 
no longer red. as the leaves were no longer seen. 
the spill of mud traveled down through the veins,
out spewed the smell of a concoction.
the leaves were curled up in a fetal position, 
when touched they felt stale, dry,
and the air no longer blew it to life.
it lived through the day, but not through the night.


the rose was just a rose.
it lived, it died.
It had a purpose, until the sunrise.
- MindlMatter
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#2
This will be an interesting one to critique - some good points, come suggestions to be provided.  To get a feel for the critique process, try critiquing three or so of the available submissions... and welcome!
feedback award Non-practicing atheist
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#3
(08-09-2019, 08:20 AM)mindlmatter Wrote:  it’s a rose.
a rose, that represents passion, & love.
it’s petals are ruby red.
the inner sides of them flame up in ash of pollen.
while it’s leaves ablaze green.


white, small flowers surround the rose. 
twisting and curling around its stem,
as if it is a vine.
thin lines, crinkle across the leaves
like a tattoo. 
if I pulled the rose close to my nose,
its aura would come in contact with me.
the smell of clean nature.


a day passed, and the rose was flat.
no volume, no energy.
arising, just the rotten smell of death,
.
the stem was no longer high of life,
it flaked to the side, the petals 
no longer red. as the leaves were no longer seen. 
the spill of mud traveled down through the veins,
out spewed the smell of a concoction.
the leaves were curled up in a fetal position, 
when touched they felt stale, dry,
and the air no longer blew it to life.
it lived through the day, but not through the night.


the rose was just a rose.
it lived, it died.
It had a purpose, until the sunrise.

First off, in Basic critique, and not to be pedantic, but to those brought up on strict rules of grammar the use of "it's" and  (non-)use of "its" jars right at the beginning.  From the inner pedant:  "it's" is the contraction of "it is" while "its" is the possessive of "it."  Logically, there's no logic to that rule, an argument could be made that it should be the other way 'round.  But to be correct (unless a fine point is being made by the reversal) it's best to stick with standard grammar.  So, it's a rose and its leaves are green.

There seem to be more commas than necessary - have a look and see if removing some (and replacing a period or two with a comma) improves the flow.  I'd also avoid the ampersand ("&") since pedants may trip slightly, wondering if "et" was meant.  Try reading your poem aloud, and see if the full-stops and columns direct the reading as you intend.  There are places where an em-dash could profitably substitute for a period, or just the end of a line with no punctuation sub for either.

Parts of speech:  as an example, "while it[]s leaves ablaze green" could replace the adjective "ablaze" with "blaze" to give the phrase a verb (What do its leaves do?  They blaze green.)

A few cliches, such as "ruby red."  Part of the challenge is inventing a new expression that's as good as the cliche - for example, your "flame up in ash of pollen" is excellent.

The overall idea is good - a rose, described vibrantly alive and then again with life having left it.  Your closing brings in the idea of its purpose, which (aside from representing passion and love) is not supported elsewhere.  As you edit, think about how you can work that theme (or another) into the descriptions.  For example, the biblical "all mortal flesh is as the grass, and all the lordliness of men is as the flower of grasses" uses a simile between the flower and people.  If you expand on the rose's purpose, or what it represents, you could sustain such a symbolism.

In summary, watch phrasing and punctuation, as well as grammar.  This is poetry, it doesn't have to use complete sentences, but they can improve the reading.  Try using the second or third word that comes to mind.
feedback award Non-practicing atheist
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#4
Hope you're enjoying the site.

The poem is too long; mostly because of how you're choosing to describe things, as if it were a stream of mundanity.
That being said, the stanzas are spaced well, short where they need to be.




(08-09-2019, 08:20 AM)mindlmatter Wrote:  it’s a rose.
a rose, that represents passion, & love. So what? Why the need to tell us? This should be implied through your writing.
it’s petals are ruby red. 
the inner sides of them flame up in ash of pollen.  Thumbsup
while it’s leaves ablaze green. different adjective please, doesn't quite fit for me


white, small flowers surround the rose. 
twisting and curling around its stem,
as if it is a vine.
thin lines, crinkle across the leaves
like a tattoo. 
if I pulled the rose close to my nose, 
its aura would come in contact with me.
the smell of clean nature.


a day passed, and the rose was flat.
no volume, no energy.
arising, just the rotten smell of death,
.
the stem was no longer high of life,
it flaked to the side, the petals 
no longer red. as the leaves were no longer seen.  Huh
the spill of mud traveled down through the veins,
out spewed the smell of a concoction.
the leaves were curled up in a fetal position, strange, but okay
when touched they felt stale, dry,
and the air no longer blew it to life.
it lived through the day, but not through the night.


the rose was just a rose.
it lived, it died.
It had a purpose, until the sunrise. this last stanza wrapped it up nicely, but only to confirm what we had been reading already, that this is meaningless.
Looking for a problem in writing? Won't find one.
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