They thought they knew
#1
An unfortunate man, they said,
As they all rushed to watch him drown.
Yet for nothing else would he trade
His death. He's happy as a clown!
By Jove, they are so foolish!
As he isn't man but fish.

Behind the black mirror,
The truth hides with candour.
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#2
(08-07-2019, 12:08 AM)Frenchie Wrote:  An unfortunate man, they said,
As they all rushed to watch him drown.
Yet for nothing else would he trade
His death. He's happy as a clown!
By Jove, they are so foolish!
As he isn't man but fish.

Behind the black mirror,
The truth hides with candour.

But it must be said, they always thought there was something a little fishy about that guy... Tongue
feedback award Non-practicing atheist
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#3
(08-07-2019, 02:15 AM)dukealien Wrote:  But it must be said, they always thought there was something a little fishy about that guy... Tongue
Smile @dukealien. Any suggestion about the text per se? (I should have posted in the critique forums !)
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#4
(08-07-2019, 12:08 AM)Frenchie Wrote:  An unfortunate man, they said,
As they all rushed to watch him drown.
Yet for nothing else would he trade
His death. He's happy as a clown!
By Jove, they are so foolish!
As he isn't man but fish.

Behind the black mirror,
The truth hides with candour.

In approximately basic critique, per request...

Near-rhymes are fun (said...trade, which may have rhymed for Matthew Arnold).  There's a substantial amount of forcing and inversion to get them, too (line 3, natural order would be "Yet he'd never trade his death/for anything else" or the like).

That's all in good fun, but as you edit this one you might try matching that nice gallumphing rhythm as you did in lines 1 and 2.  For example,

    his death for he's gay as a clown!

on line 4.

This may seem quite a chore for some of the lines, but be expansive and inventive -

    Behind the obsidian mirror

for line 7, and then all you need is a four-syllable modifier before "candour" at the end.

Please excuse the rewrites, examples only, you can do better!  Oh, yes, about the title - "Aquamad?"  Well, you'll think of something.  Fun little story.
feedback award Non-practicing atheist
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#5
hi frenchie.

if you want a bit of feedback post it in one of three main forums. i'd suggest basic or mild to start with.

(08-07-2019, 12:08 AM)Frenchie Wrote:  An unfortunate man, they said,
As they all rushed to watch him drown.
Yet for nothing else would he trade
His death. He's happy as a clown!
By Jove, they are so foolish!
As he isn't man but fish.

Behind the black mirror,
The truth hides with candour.
Reply




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