When Happy He Would Drool
#1
.
When Happy He Would Drool


The softest black
and warm, by age
unsighted and unsteady
mind still wandering
returned to me
one Saturday, early
in a bin-bag.

That morning

brought the end of him
a biker, all funereal
monotone apologies
left much as a cat
might, this little death
at my door.



.
Reply
#2
Hey Knot,


I like what you're going for here. I do have some thoughts though:


(07-30-2019, 08:18 PM)Knot Wrote:  When Happy He Would Drool -I quite like this title. It made be interested in reading this poem, so to me that makes it effective.


The softest black -I feel like you need an image here to convey the dog's softness more. This feels a little too much like telling and not showing.
and warm, by age
unsighted and unsteady
mind still wandering
returned to me -Maybe add something about how this return was the last time he would return. Something like: "but returned to me one last time".
one Saturday, early
in a bin-bag. -The morbid part of my mind feels like the bin-bags needs more description, but this is more my own opinion than an actually critique of the line.


That morning
brought the end of him -You need some type of punctuation here. Maybe a colon or a period? I actually got a bit off track reading this the first time because of the way  this line reads without any sort of break here.
a biker, all funereal
monotone apologies
left much as a cat -Love this image of the cat. Did not see it coming, but in a good way.
might, this little death -Maybe sneak in the first stanza some hint that the dog was small, and then the "little death" here could have multiple meanings.
at my door.


I think that the second stanza is stronger than the first, but this is a fine first draft overall. With some edits, this could be a stellar piece.

Thanks for the read,
Richard
Time is the best editor.
Reply
#3
I wonder if some word choices have made the poem confusing.
Dogs drool, but dogs don't get killed by cats or bikers. Unless you mean motorcyclists. And why would a dog be returned in a bin bag?
So I'd think it's not a dog....but cats don't drool nor get killed by cats
A small flightless bird can get killed both by bikers and cats....but it wouldn't drool

I can't get past that sufficiently to enjoy the rest of the poem

I also tried ferrets, rats, and guinea pigs, but none of them drool
Reply
#4
.
Hi Richard,

thanks for the read and critique.

When Happy He Would Drool
- I quite like this title. It made be interested in reading this poem, so to me that makes it effective.
Can't ask for more than that Smile
 
The softest black
- I feel like you need an image here to convey the dog's softness more. This feels a little too much like telling
and not showing.

Beyond a deliberately innocuous opening it's (hopefully either) the fur of the cat (I'd never considered 'he' might be read as dog) and/or a
description of a bin bag.
I'm considering changing 'and' in the next line to 'fur'. Would that help?

...
returned to me
- Maybe add something about how this return was the last time he would return. Something like: "but returned
to me one last time".

Wouldn't that preempt the reveal of 'bin bag'?

one Saturday, early
in a bin-bag.
- The morbid part of my mind feels like the bin-bags needs more description, but this is more my own opinion
than an actually critique of the line.

I refer you back to the first line Smile


That morning
brought the end of him
- You need some type of punctuation here. Maybe a colon or a period? I actually got a bit off track reading
this the first time because of the way this line reads without any sort of break here.

Yes. I was trying to see if I could get away without it. Apparently not Smile I'll reinstate the period.
a biker, all funereal

monotone apologies
left much as a cat
- Love this image of the cat. Did not see it coming, but in a good way.
might, this little death - Maybe sneak in the first stanza some hint that the dog was small, and then the "little death" here could
have multiple meanings.

was thinking about 'his' for 'this'?
at my door.


________________



Sorry busker,
cats do drool, do get killed by bikers (motorcyclists) and do get returned (by them) in a bin bag.
Or at least one did.


Thanks both.


Best, Knot.


.
Reply
#5
Knot - “as much as a cat might” can be confusing if it’s a cat as the subject 
That’s all

Best
Reply
#6
Took me a few reads - originally seemed ‘brought an end to him’ meant an end to the biker.

Again, something simple in the title to guide the reader’s initial read would be good. Let the reader the setup in S1 is about a cat. Hairball would work, and a tie-in worked into the setup. Just a thought


Like the analogy of cats bringing their owner little gifts - such as dead mice or birds. Good closure.
There is no escape from metre; there is only mastery. TS Eliot
Reply
#7
The fact that I completely misread this and thought it was about a dog brought a smile to my face. Stuff like that is one of the reasons I love poems Smile


On a serious note, most would assume the drool in the title implies a dog, so maybe consider changing it in some way? Just a thought.
Time is the best editor.
Reply
#8
.

Hi busker, Seraphim, Richard.

 “as much as a cat might” can be confusing if it’s a cat as the subject
I know, but I think it works ... eventually Smile

Took me a few reads - originally seemed ‘brought an end to him’ meant an end to the biker.

Yes, but I really wanted to avoid a period there. Might have to rethink though.
Like the analogy of cats bringing their owner little gifts - such as dead mice or birds. Good closure.

Thanks.

The fact that I completely misread this and thought it was about a dog brought a smile to my face. Stuff like that is one of the reasons I love poems Smile

Misreading may be overstating the case. Could still work for a small dog ... sort of Smile
On a serious note, most would assume the drool in the title implies a dog, so maybe consider changing it in some way? Just a thought.
Happy to entertain suggestions.


Thanks all.

Best, Knot

.
Reply




Users browsing this thread: 1 Guest(s)
Do NOT follow this link or you will be banned from the site!