Office Romance
#1
Office Romance

He longs for when their feet
pointed towards the door,
voices calm, professional sounding,
eye contact under ten seconds.

She tries to forget baking cookies,
freezing them for his birthday,
only to notice the burned taste
after it was too late.
Time is the best editor.
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#2
.
Hi Richard,

to me this is ever so slightly unbalanced. S2 is excellent, wouldn't change a thing
(though I am curious about 'freezing cookies' - wouldn't the become soggy when
defrosted, or is there a transatlantic difference to 'cookies'? Smile )

S1: the idea works, the moment when his anticipation is greatest, but the execution lets it down, I think.
Particularly the opening line, it's at odds with the conversational tone of the piece. '10 seconds' seems
rather a long time to maintain eye contact.

I also liked how changing the order of the verses gives a slightly different (and more optimistic) reading.


Best, Knot


.
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#3
Agree with Knot, 10 seconds is too long a time. You can freeze and defrost cookies, that didn't worry me. Have been noticing how peoples 'sayings' under the poem inadvertently enter the poem.
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#4
Hey Knot and churinga,
Thanks for the feedback. Freezing cookies is something we do in Canada so they last longer before going stale. I went with the ten seconds for the eye contact because research says that if someone makes eye contact with you for 10 seconds or longer, it means they're probably attracted to you. I can see why this might seems too long though, so I will give changing that some thought.

Thanks again,
Richard
Time is the best editor.
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#5
DW bakes and freezes things incessantly. Some of them I don’t bother defrosting before I eat them lol.

Only nit I have is ‘professional sounding’. Doesn’t sound professional *grin*. I’d just make it ‘professional’.

The image of mutual regret comes across nicely.
There is no escape from metre; there is only mastery. TS Eliot
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#6
Hey Seraphim,
Thanks for the kinds words and suggestion. Very valid point about the word "sounding," which I never thought about.

Thanks again,
Richard
Time is the best editor.
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#7
I think 10 second eye contact is not necessarily continuous eye contact. Flirting is alll about eyelashes too.
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#8
Hey churinga,
Like the idea of playing with the image of eyelashes. Will give it some thought.

Thanks again,
Richard
Time is the best editor.
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#9
(07-28-2019, 12:37 PM)Richard Wrote:  Office Romance

He longs for when their feet
pointed towards the door,
voices calm, professional sounding,
eye contact under ten seconds.

She tries to forget baking cookies,
freezing them for his birthday,
only to notice the burned taste
after it was too late.

Not sure what the first two lines mean. What door? Next two are okay but the - “calm, professional sounding” - description is very literal. I feel good about the “eye contact under ten seconds” part since it’s more about implicit meaning. The second stanza talks about her trying to forget about baking goods for him and then noticing a burnt* taste but it comes across as confusing, and the “after it was too late” cliche rings like a bell. How is she noticing a burnt taste if all she’s doing is trying to forget something. The tension between the two stanzas is great. 6.5/10  has potential to be a 8
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#10
Hey Oden,
Thanks for the feedback. I can totally see what you're saying about the first two lines. I wrote this when I was going through a phase of being fascinated by body language. When someone's feet are pointed towards the door during a conversation, it usually means they want to leave and aren't interested in what is being said. When someone's feet is pointing at the person they are talking to, it usually means they are interested and might even like the person. Apparently feet play a big part in body language. I'll give some thought of how to make this clearer in the edit.

Thanks again,
Richard
Time is the best editor.
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