The scent of sunflowers in summer: coda
#1
the stars struggle against the clouds tonight and
awkwardly, 
we stare at anything but each other. 

--the end wasn't supposed to be so undefined 

two almost-adults grasping for adult words, 
because the puff puff pass that has come 
to be our language can no longer describe 

"the end of an era," you finally say. 

--in a different age, in a different life
--if you weren't so laissez faire
--and i wasn't so complicated 

i might've needed you to be happy
but i don't need to be happy. 

we share no tears, no hugs, no goodbyes. 
only a twisted thick acknowledgment 
of the history that has come to pass through us.
to flourish is to fall, dust before the wind 
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#2
(07-17-2019, 09:44 AM)nozaki Wrote:  the stars struggle against the clouds tonight and
awkwardly,  well-placed line breaks which enforce awkwardness on the reading
we stare at anything but each other. 

--the end wasn't supposed to be so undefined  despite its formality, suggest "was not" in place of "wasn't" to improve rhythm:  this line should move quickly

two almost-adults grasping for adult words, 
because the puff puff pass that has come 
to be our language can no longer describe  looking for a better word than "describe" but none comes to mind - "define?"

"the end of an era," you finally say.  good period, and fitting use of cliche

--in a different age, in a different life
--if you weren't so laissez faire consider a hyphen, and italics (laissez-faire) to indicate foreign language
--and i wasn't so complicated here the contraction is perfect

i might've needed you to be happy not capitalizing "[I]" here is understandable, but is it actually a good idea?  Open question.
but i don't need to be happy.  this couplet is devastating - well done.

we share no tears, no hugs, no goodbyes. an adjective before "goodbyes" might work, but broken rhythm is also effective
only a twisted thick acknowledgment  could eliminate "a" here, but again its presence fits the voice
of the history that has come to pass through us. same with "the" here.  Could replace the moderately cliche "come to pass" with "passed"

Although this is Intensive, I hesitate to suggest many changes (and the above are onlly suggestions, mostly).  It's a very effective piece describing emotional states.  If there's any overall critique, it would be that the title and first line images are not supported or echoed elsewhere in the body - symptomatic of telling rather than showing.

Liked it!  Thanks for posting.
feedback award Non-practicing atheist
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#3
the stars struggle against the clouds tonight
and awkwardly,
we stare at anything but each other.
This is how I would read it. Although there are various ways to put it.

--the end wasn't supposed to be so undefined
The thing about punctuation, either use it or don't, if you invent your own, well it is annoying to all who don't need your invention.  

two almost-adults grasping for adult words,
because the puff puff pass that has come
to be our language can no longer describe
You could say puff-puff-pass to give it a more train-like look.

"the end of an era," you finally say.
You could use italics instead of "..."

--in a different age, in a different life
--if you weren't so laissez faire
--and i wasn't so complicated
Liassez-faire has become an English expression as well as French, so no need for italics. To be correcto/perfecto you need the hyphen.

i might've needed you to be happy
but i don't need to be happy.

we share no tears, no hugs, no goodbyes.
only a twisted thick acknowledgment
of the history that has come to pass through us.
to flourish is to fall, dust before the wind

The last verse feels a bit old fashioned as if you had to conclude an argument, it doesn't add anything. Also it is in meter so the tone of the poem has changed slightly.  Leave the poem without it. It ends well on 'happy'.

The opening lines are the best.

good luck

Ross
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#4
Hi nozaki. first off after a few reads i'd mention excess words/baggage/verbiage/repetition that adds nothing.
small words like and and but often get overused. repetition can something be see as the same thing said in a different way. it's generally best to be as concise as possible while being as comprehensive as possible sometimes we need a bit of baggage, it's always the poets choice that count so take what i show as just suggestion.

are the two [the's] needed? is [tonight] needed; can we already ascertain it's tonight by reading the other words? is the [and] needed

an example below:

the stars struggle against the clouds tonight and
awkwardly,
we stare at anything but each other.

here's what it would look like paired down

stars struggle against clouds
awkwardly,
we stare at anything but each other.

like i say the choices are always yours but have a think about pairing down and see what you think re the poem.
i enjoyed the lost intimacy of the poem the setting worked well if a little wordy. doesn't need much of an edit, just a short trim, thanks for the read.

(07-17-2019, 09:44 AM)nozaki Wrote:  the stars struggle against the clouds tonight and
awkwardly, 
we stare at anything but each other. the opening needs to be tighter, you want to hold the reader.

--the end wasn't supposed to be so undefined i like this line and i like it's line spacing. this is serious

two almost-adults grasping for adult words, this is a solid line and this triplet would open the poem really well, the opening triple would the then become the second triplet. [just an idea]
because the puff puff pass that has come 
to be our language can no longer describe 

"the end of an era," you finally say. i like how you dissect the situation.

--in a different age, in a different life no need for [in]
--if you weren't so laissez faire italicize laissez faire to show language change.
--and i wasn't so complicated 

i might've needed you to be happy
but i don't need to be happy. what's with a couplet , personally i'd lose the second line and there by make the single first line more powerful.

we share no tears, no hugs, no goodbyes. 
only a twisted thick acknowledgment e after g
of the history that has come to pass through us.
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#5
.
Hi nozaki,
like the idea, but I agree with billy about the excess and repetition,
and duke about the images (the title and the opening stanza) which
aren't reflected or developed in the rest of the poem. The repeating
of 'end' in two such prominent lines is also a weakness, for me.


Just a suggestion ...


we stare at anything but each other.

two almost-adults grasping

because the puff puff pass
that has come to be
left us

"the end of an era," you finally say.


In a different age, in a different life;
if you weren't so laissez faire
and i wasn't so complicated
-- i might've needed you to be happy

but i don't need to be happy.


Best, Knot.




.
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#6
(07-17-2019, 09:44 AM)nozaki Wrote:  the stars struggle against the clouds tonight and
awkwardly, 
we stare at anything but each other. 

--the end wasn't supposed to be so undefined 

two almost-adults grasping for adult words, 
because the puff puff pass that has come 
to be our language can no longer describe 

"the end of an era," you finally say. 

--in a different age, in a different life
--if you weren't so laissez faire
--and i wasn't so complicated 

i might've needed you to be happy
but i don't need to be happy. 

we share no tears, no hugs, no goodbyes. 
only a twisted thick acknowledgment 
of the history that has come to pass through us.

The cliché quality of the images used depersonalise it and reduce its emotional impact on the audience. I feel subtlety and third person would make the heartbreak you're going for a lot stronger, and the subject matter itself seems kind of bland and superficial. Although, your use of language is okay and even though they're common images you use them to build this narrative of vapidness and loss. I think this is a great first draft but there are glaring flaws like the syntax such as "that has come", and the structure of the poem seems to lack a clear direction. The finishing like is good but dust in the wind is terribly cliché. Try to consider your images with more care, possibly doing more research. You could try walking around and seeing what in the world reflects your troubles or look at intertextual symbols.
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