Stargazing
#1
STARGAZING
 
A heartbeat at a shadow
A thousand years of a lifetime
Blank eyes at space
Glinting at colliding stellar atoms
 
Star shoots
From an unknown birthplace
Not finding a celestial manger
Settles its feet to the earth
 
Icy planet in transit
Walking by to end a terrestrial affair
Solar flares blowing up
A mountain of stardust
 
Sleeping in a vacuum
On a black fabric
Dotted with constellations
Waiting for a star to shoot up
And remain
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#2
Hey ginaparaoan,
I think you have a good idea here with focusing on the stargazing. However, I think you need to make more use of specific images and some punctuation. I'll go into more detail below:

(07-12-2019, 10:32 AM)ginaparaoan Wrote:  STARGAZING
 
A heartbeat at a shadow
A thousand years of a lifetime
Blank eyes at space
Glinting at colliding stellar atoms -I feel like you need a stronger image than mentioning atoms. What exactly is the speaker seeing here? If it's referring to stars, then describe how they look in a more specific way. For example, why is there a mention of a "lifetime"? Are the stars making the speaker question time, life, mortality? There is a lot of potential here, but you need to be less vague in how you approach it. 
 
Star shoots
From an unknown birthplace
Not finding a celestial manger
Settles its feet to the earth -If you're going to not use periods, then you might as well ditch the capitalization throughout the poem as well. If you want to keep the capitalization, then think about adding punctuation. As a reader, it doesn't matter to me if you want punctuation or not, just be consistent.
 
Icy planet in transit
Walking by to end a terrestrial affair
Solar flares blowing up
A mountain of stardust
 
Sleeping in a vacuum
On a black fabric
Dotted with constellations
Waiting for a star to shoot up
And remain
I think you need to ask yourself how is the speaker feeling about what they are seeing in the stars, and then play around with that more. I look forward to seeing where you take this piece from here.

Thanks for the read,
Richard
Time is the best editor.
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#3
(07-12-2019, 10:32 AM)ginaparaoan Wrote:  STARGAZING
 
A heartbeat at a shadow
A thousand years of a lifetime
Blank eyes at space
Glinting at colliding stellar atoms I think you have some interesting images here, but the impact is lessened because they're so spare and the connections are only in theme. 
 
Star shoots
From an unknown birthplace
Not finding a celestial manger
Settles its feet to the earth like this stanza, but could benefit from some punctuation. this makes me think of an orphaned star. 
 
Icy planet in transit
Walking by to end a terrestrial affair
Solar flares blowing up
A mountain of stardust don't see what the last two lines have to do with the first two. I think more could be done with the dualism between the sky and earth. 
 
Sleeping in a vacuum
On a black fabric
Dotted with constellations
Waiting for a star to shoot up
And remain

i think you have some great ideas and images here- my advice would be to provide more movement (not necessarily narrative) to the poem, since as of now it feels quite static and piece-y. good luck, looking forward to an edit if you're planning on one!
to flourish is to fall, dust before the wind 
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#4
Hi ginaparaoan, I really like the theme of this piece and the anthropomorphism of the subject. To me, the 4 stanzas seem to describe 4 different stages in the "life" of the comet -- if that's what you're going for, I'd suggest using the first two lines of each stanza to introduce an comparison or analogy, then perhaps the last two to strengthen it and tie it in to the next idea. Hope this helps!
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#5
I think we sometimes attempt to sound ‘poetic’, which can get in the way of comprehension for the reader. The poet has so much in their mind, the references seem crystal clear. But often the reader hasn’t the same thoughts in mind. The poet has to put them there, in a clear manner. For example, I have no idea what a heartbeat at a shadow means. Sounds cool, but I’m not comprehending.

I like the image of ‘walking by to end a terrestrial affair’. That I can connect with.

Waiting for a star to shoot up - reminds me of a space launch, which brings a nice ending about. But stars don’t shoot in space, and then you talk about an icy planet in transit. which is it? Perhaps stick to one image throughout. It’s either a star or an icy planet you’re describing. Less confusing that way.

‘Celestial manger’ and setting it’s feet to earth seem to have a Bethlehem connection, to me.

Just my thoughts
There is no escape from metre; there is only mastery. TS Eliot
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