Send Me
#1
To die with the heart intact,
to live as if all is possible.
Lights flash in all colours 'possible'
zigzagging or starred out like fireworks.

Send me September.
Send me oodles of noodles.
Send me seeking some sort of redemption,
locked in a memory stick
or with a nude in a garden.

To give something back, small tokens, 
bottle tops shaped like the past.
Those bright hallways,
rock and roll careening 
wall to wall, room to room.

What was kissing then 
but an endless pleasure. 
I know it's corny but it's true. 
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#2
Hey churinga,
I like some of your imagery here. However, I would suggest rethinking some of your repetition. I'll go into more detail below:

(07-06-2019, 09:24 PM)churinga Wrote:  To die with the heart intact,
to live as if all is possible.
Lights flash in all colours 'possible'
zigzagging or starred out like fireworks.-I've read this stanza numerous times, and it just makes me think of someone flat-lining in the hospital and all the machines going crazy with lights. Maybe saying what kind of light is flashing, might help clarify the meaning here. 

Send me September.
Send me oodles of noodles. -This line made me smile. Love the image.
Send me seeking some sort of redemption, -Maybe give a specific image or example instead of just saying "redemption".
locked in a memory stick
or with a nude in a garden. -I like the imagery here. However, I am not a fan of the repetition of "send me" because you already used it as your title. Think about rewording this stanza so it says more or the less the same thing, but with different wording. Or at least, think about giving the piece a different title to avoid overusing the words "send me".

To give something back, small tokens, 
bottle tops shaped like the past. -I like the image of the "bottle tops". However, is there anyway you can connect it to the the relationship in the last stanza more? You could use it to build up to the kissing in the next stanza.
Those bright hallways,
rock and roll careening -Maybe name a specific song instead of just "rock and roll"?
wall to wall, room to room.

What was kissing then 
but an endless pleasure. -I like the image of the kissing, but feel like you need to build up to it more. I made a suggestion about one way to do that above.
I know it's corny but it's true. 
Overall, I think this is a solid first draft, and I look forward to seeing where this piece goes from here.

Thanks for the read,
Richard
Time is the best editor.
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#3
Hi Richard, 

To die with the heart intact,
to live as if all is possible.
Lights flash in all colours 'possible'
zigzagging or starred out like fireworks.-I've read this stanza numerous times, and it just makes me think of someone flat-lining in the hospital and all the machines going crazy with lights. Maybe saying what kind of light is flashing, might help clarify the meaning here. 
Zigzaging refers to lightening, starred out to any light that's powerful. It's probably a bit too random. 

Send me seeking some sort of redemption, -Maybe give a specific image or example instead of just saying "redemption". 
locked in a memory stick
or with a nude in a garden. -I like the imagery here. However, I am not a fan of the repetition of "send me" because you already used it as your title. Think about rewording this stanza so it says more or the less the same thing, but with different wording. Or at least, think about giving the piece a different title to avoid overusing the words "send me".
The imagery is an ironic reference to redemption. 
To give something back, small tokens, 
bottle tops shaped like the past. -I like the image of the "bottle tops". However, is there anyway you can connect it to the the relationship in the last stanza more? You could use it to build up to the kissing in the next stanza.
The bottle tops symbolise beer drinking at the parties. 

rock and roll careening -Maybe name a specific song instead of just "rock and roll"?
If I named a specific song it would not be a party where lots of songs were played.



What was kissing then 
but an endless pleasure. -I like the image of the kissing, but feel like you need to build up to it more. I made a suggestion about one way to do that above.


The poem was written as two poems within a day of each other and I combined them. Hence it is not as linear as it could be. 

I don't think much about titles. To me it's just a tag so you can find the poem again. 

Thanks for your detailed comment. I think I should reverse it back to two poems, then it would seem less random. 

Sorry about the small font, don't know why that is happening.

all the best
Ross
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#4
(07-06-2019, 09:24 PM)churinga Wrote:  To die with the heart intact,
to live as if all is possible.
Lights flash in all colours 'possible' // Maybe "plausible" to avoid repetition 
zigzagging or starred out like fireworks.

Send me September.
Send me oodles of noodles. // I think you could get rid of "send me" in lines 2 and 3
Send me seeking some sort of redemption,
locked in a memory stick
or with a nude in a garden.

To give something back, small tokens, 
bottle tops shaped like the past.
Those bright hallways, // Maybe get rid of those
rock and roll careening 
wall to wall, room to room.

What was kissing then 
but an endless pleasure. 
I know it's corny but it's true. 

This poem is super fun, and I really like where it is heading. Just a few suggestions to play with rhythm and flow!
All the best
Bunx
Only one thing is impossible for God: To find any sense in any copyright law on the planet.
--mark twain
Rob Cave
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#5
Hi Bunx

Thanks for your detailed comment. I agree it could be cut down. It is songlike.

all the best

Ross
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#6
churinga,

Comments below.
(07-06-2019, 09:24 PM)churinga Wrote:  To die with the heart intact,
to live as if all is possible. I would cut this line and the one above, then find a way to imbue its meaning in the image of the following two lines. 
Lights flash in all colours 'possible' This would be a better start to your poem for its imagery. Not sure why "possible" is in quotes. "All colors possible" seems vague in spite of its inclusiveness. Maybe it's just that that makes this description a little flat. Something like "Lights flash in rainbows" I think would work better.
zigzagging or starred out like fireworks. Maybe omit "zigzagging" and just have "starred out like fireworks"

Send me September.
Send me oodles of noodles. This phrase adds a quirkiness to the poem that feels out of place. It's also a cliche
Send me seeking some sort of redemption, Like this line and the two below. It makes me feel as if the subject is yearning to redo things in the past. If so, then maybe a more concrete image of the subject rather than "seeking some sort of redemption" can be used to convey this regret.
locked in a memory stick 
or with a nude in a garden.

To give something back, small tokens, 
bottle tops shaped like the past. Nice way to encapsulate the past in something like bottle caps.
Those bright hallways, Bright with what?
rock and roll careening 
wall to wall, room to room.

What was kissing then 
but an endless pleasure. 
I know it's corny but it's true. I think this line can be omitted.
Regards,
Alex
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#7
Hi Alex

Thanks for your critique, sorry it has been so long since  before i replied. 
I wont respond to your specific crits but will take them on board. 
Truth is a lot has changed in my life recently and this poem seems a long way off 
and not one I will revisit any time soon. 

all the best

Ross
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