Promotion
#1
Promotion

I never thought,
never!
Not once,
that I would reach this pinnacle.
I subverted my worth
for so long
I thought I’d turn into a slug.
That everything turned out
the way it did
makes tears…
I hoped for it so much
for so long
and now it’s here.
Somehow a face squeezing with blood
and uttering cries of intensity
shows just how happy
I am.
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#2
(07-06-2019, 08:56 PM)Oden Prufrock Wrote:  Promotion

I never thought,
never!
Not once, first three lines repeating in different ways to emphasize how far away this thought ever was from the mind
that I would reach this pinnacle. Key word here 'would' I think, pinnacle is a nice touch, actually on top it seems
I subverted my worth subvert also good word choice
for so long these short phrases pop out the almost unbelievable tone, like gasps of reality
I thought I’d turn into a slug. Not sure if slug has other meanings but I love slugs and am not sure it fits, unless it's the old stereotypical laziness that comes from a monotonous boring job
That everything turned out turned out, subvert
the way it did this line doesn't work for me, it's cheap
makes tears… like tears, because tears of joy, tears of sadness, or tears in the fabric of reality
I hoped for it so much this line is too colloquial, like unnecessary line breaks, the general thought process I think weakens the emotional conveyance
for so long line breaks for line breaks sake
and now it’s here. Unless all these short phrases are still just disbelief, fumbling for words
Somehow a face squeezing with blood nice imagery, possibly dark.  Who's face?  Blushing? Choking?  Maybe this promotion isn't so great, a dark twist would be nice
and uttering cries of intensity uttering intensity is hard to imagine, but it does help with the darkness
shows just how happy happy with cries, happy with blood face, or sarcastically not happy because of the slugginess and never never never.  All the Nevers now make me think it's sarcastic
I am. Oh God, promotion to power.  I am.  So final.


I want to take this one rush of thoughts towards a promotion and break it down line by line into a sinister revelation.  It could be read as one weak thought of a lay person, or twisted series of power thirst.  Definitely some weak lines, not sure what your objective is, hope this helps
Peanut butter honey banana sandwiches
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#3
A slug has the connotation of a bullet, 'makes tears' is not very convincing either sonically or syntactically. 'A face squeezing with blood' again supports the notion of a slug in both senses.
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