Sometimes
#1
Sometimes the world is just shapes,
dark and light 
or colours on a palette knife.
Sometimes the world is a screen,
a myriad of players 
speaking in foreign languages 
but that's not the problem.
There's smiles.
And eyes are either golden with light
or cold as the blue.

There's music in the hubbub of a bar
near a bus stop seat.
TV shows rarely get it right.
The way we think between sentences,
how the mind is slow. Then fast. 

Sometimes there's a fragrance
you walk past in the night.
Sometimes you wake and remember
a dream that's recurring. 
Now it fits like a crossword,
the faces, the building, 
the message that's given.
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#2
I have made a few minor changes. Thanks to Knot for pointing out a major bloop.
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#3
.
Hi Ross,
enjoyed the read though not sure about either the title
or the ending. And I think the 'problem' stanza is a
problem Smile It doesn't seem as coherent as the rest.


Just a suggestion:

Sometimes the world is just
shapes, dark and light, colours
on a palette knife. Sometimes

the world is a screen,
myriad shadows shouting
in foreign languages

but that's not the problem.
There's smiles. And eyes
either golden with light
or cold as the blue.

There's music in the hubbub
of a bar, at bus stops. TV shows
rarely get it right. The way we think

between sentences, mind slow.
Then fast. Sometimes
there's a fragrance you walk past

Sometimes you wake
and remember a dream
that's recurring. Now

it fits like a crossword,
the faces, the building,
the message that's given.

Sometimes


Best, Knot




.
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#4
Thanks for coming back Knot, I like your version. I also agree the title should be different.
I have been trying to write in a more immediate style, not formal, and not polished,
so that it is conversational, often repeititive and not condensed. It may work better that way if recited.
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#5
(07-04-2019, 04:34 PM)churinga Wrote:  Sometimes the world is just shapes,
dark and light 
or colours on a palette knife.
Sometimes the world is a screen,
a myriad of players 
speaking in foreign languages 
but that's not the problem.
There's smiles.
And eyes are either golden with light
or cold as the blue.

There's music in the hubbub of a bar,
or by a bus stop seat.
TV shows rarely get it right.
The way we think between sentences,
how the mind is slow. Then fast. 

Sometimes there's a fragrance
you walk past in the night.
Sometimes you wake and remember
a dream that's recurring. 
Now it fits like a crossword,
the faces, the building, 
the message that's given.

Repetition of simple imagery at the start is cool, invites the reader in with accessible statements. Dissonance created by “but that’s not the problem” is effective - if you weren’t aiming for that tell me. “There’s smiles” should have a comma at the end to allow for a better flow and to enhance the dissonance of the prior line. “A myriad of players” is a bit vague because I got the sense it was either a video game or a soccer game and there were players on the screen; you need to define the players’ position in this image. “Cold as the blue” is weak and is impacting the validity of your use of simple language up until this point. “There’s music in the hubbub of a bar” is a boring line due to it telling and not showing. For the image of the bus stop seat wouldn’t you want to contrast that to the hubbub in the bar instead of having music liven it up creating an awkward image and not repeating the contrast in prior lines between golden light and eyes of blue? Title is not effective, change it. “TV show rarely get it right” could end with a colon (Smile to lead into the next line better. “Slow. Then fast.” Could have a comma between slow and then. Message at the end is TOO vague and doesn’t effectively wrap up the themes and emotions of the poem, you’ve discussed. 

6.3/10
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#6
“A myriad of players” is a bit vague because I got the sense it was either a video game or a soccer game and there were players on the screen; you need to define the players’ position in this image.
I was thinking of both sports players but also actors and foreign movies/tv series.

“Cold as the blue” is weak and is impacting the validity of your use of simple language up until this point.
I did have 'cold as blue' blue being a cold colour in painting parlance.  I may go back to that, 'the blue' seemed more flowing and I was thinking of the line 'into the blue again' from the song, its reference to jetsetting.  Also 'the blue' in Australia is the deep water beyond the surf.  It also can mean a fight or arguement.  I didn't mean 'blue eyes'.

“There’s music in the hubbub of a bar” is a boring line due to it telling and not showing.
I think hubbub is not just telling but is onomataopoeiac.

For the image of the bus stop seat wouldn’t you want to contrast that to the hubbub in the bar instead of having music liven it up creating an awkward image and not repeating the contrast in prior lines between golden light and eyes of blue?
The music is everyday sounds, eg traffic, conversation, a 'bar' in Australia is a pub, no music, just people talking.

Message at the end is TOO vague and doesn’t effectively wrap up the themes and emotions of the poem, you’ve discussed. 
The poem originally ended on' fast.'  It seemed abrupt so I added the last verse.  Maybe a mistake.  The poem was also more conversational,  polishing may've subverted the style I was going for.


Thanks for the detailed crit Oden.  

Cheers

Ross.
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#7
(07-04-2019, 04:34 PM)churinga Wrote:  
Sometimes the world is just shapes,  I think the first line needs to be stronger/smoother - it stumbles a bit which is especially distracting when the reader is just trying to get into the poem.
dark and light 
or colours on a palette knife.
Sometimes the world is a screen, different types of screen; wasn’t obvious until several lines down. Another small distraction from the initial read. Perhaps ‘Sometimes the world’s a video screen’ -  
a myriad of players 
speaking in foreign languages 
but that's not the problem.
There's smiles. are not is.  I figure you’re doing it for voice, but it grates lol
And eyes are either golden with light
or cold as the blue.

There's music in the hubbub of a bar
or by a bus stop seat. I know you’re alliterating, but it feels awkward here, to me.  Near...
TV shows rarely get it right.
The way we think between sentences,
how the mind is slow. Then fast.
[size][font] These lines don’t add meaning to me - kind of the opposite[/font][/size]

Sometimes there's a fragrance
you walk past in the night.
Sometimes you wake and remember
a dream that's recurring. recurring dream
Now - it fits like a crossword:
the faces, the building, 
the message that's given.


just a few thoughts....
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#8
Sometimes the world is just shapes,  I think the first line needs to be stronger/smoother - it stumbles a bit which is especially distracting when the reader is just trying to get into the poem.
I don't know why you think this, it flows for me

Sometimes the world is a screen, different types of screen; wasn’t obvious until several lines down. Another small distraction from the initial read. Perhaps ‘Sometimes the world’s a video screen’ -  
It could be any sort of screen, a pc, a tv, they are all over the place here, in the mall ,in pubs, even on the buses.

There's smiles. are not is.  I figure you’re doing it for voice, but it grates lol
I didn't notice this, it is bad grammar but conversational vernacular.

There's music in the hubbub of a bar
or by a bus stop seat. I know you’re alliterating, but it feels awkward here, to me.  Near...
It seems my idea, the music of ordinary sounds, conversation, not actual music, is not getting across.

TV shows rarely get it right.
The way we think between sentences,
how the mind is slow. Then fast. [size=undefined]These lines don’t add meaning to me - kind of the opposite[/size]
Originally I spelt it out more, saying how TV dialogue doesn't get it right.  

 thanks for your comments.

all the best

Ross
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#9
Quote:It seems my idea, the music of ordinary sounds, conversation, not actual music, is not getting across.

The meaning comes across fine. My comments were directed at word choice, etc. Sorry if my comments came across otherwise.
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#10
(07-07-2019, 11:13 AM)Seraphim Wrote:  
Quote:It seems my idea, the music of ordinary sounds, conversation, not actual music, is not getting across.

The meaning comes across fine.  My comments were directed at word choice, etc.  Sorry if my comments came across otherwise.

I see your point I will change it to 'near,' I don't want the poem to stutter!!
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