Blowing Steam from napm 12
#1
Blowing steam
                                 My hot air 
                       Balloon will carry me
                     Wherever it wants to go
                   I have enough heat to not
                  Care where I land, how hard
                  I might hit the ground, land
                   Or sea or outer space, my
                     Plans are wrapping up.
                      N               c               w
                        o             o              i
                          o           m            t
                            n          i             h
                              e        n          m      fare
                                s      g         e      well
                       And I wouldn't let them
                       If they wanted to.  And
                       They'll never know my
                       Story or the things I've    
                                      Seen.
Peanut butter honey banana sandwiches
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#2
I’d like to see the initial rhythm continued throughout. It breaks up about L3.
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#3
Can you describe the rhyhthyhm you see?
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#4
hard to critiue this one. i see it as a fun concrete poem. in places you could lose an odd word. [to go] in line three but for me these excess words are not a problem. you had to construct the balloon and i think the shape is as important as the words. love the lines that lead to the basket. they and the balloon do have a feel of freedom in them. i like it a lot.

(06-22-2019, 08:15 AM)CRNDLSM Wrote:  Blowing steam
                                 My hot air 
                       Balloon will carry me
                     Wherever it wants to go
                   I have enough heat to not
                  Care where I land, how hard
                  I might hit the ground, land
                   Or sea or outer space, my
                     Plans are wrapping up.
                      N               c               w
                        o             o              i
                          o           m            t
                            n          i             h
                              e        n          m      fare
                                s      g         e      well
                       And I wouldn't let them
                       If they wanted to.  And
                       They'll never know my
                       Story or the things I've    
                                      Seen.
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#5
Not a big fan of concrete poetry but this is impressive.
I am not sure what the 'fare well' represents. You could show the flame somehow.
Also having caps for each line spoils the symmetry. Caps for every line is a dated poetic convention.
Some words could be eliminated from the poetry, the repetition of 'land', the use of outer space, not really very comic, the repetition of 'and' in the last part, the second 'and' is unnecessary.
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#6
I have to echo this, and sorry for not being original in the critique, but just want to lend some credence to what you've said with a second voice. I also don't gravitate to concrete poetry, but I really liked this. There's a complexity to it that I don't always appreciate in concrete poems. Anyway, just to agree-- the caps do spoil the symmetry for me as well, I'd love to see how it looks without, the second "and" as mentioned, take it out it's going to make a wonderful improvement. But for me-- the "fare well" I loved. It has a hint of comic sarcasm, especially as sandwiched between the previous lines -- "Noones coming with me" -- are you disappointed or lonely? vs "And I wouldn't let them if they wanted" -- ah ha, you prefer to travel alone and let them be jealous and long to join in your adventure. 

Well done from my perspective.

(06-23-2019, 07:00 PM)churinga Wrote:  Not a big fan of concrete poetry but this is impressive.
I am not sure what the 'fare well' represents. You could show the flame somehow.  
Also having caps for each line spoils the symmetry.  Caps for every line is a dated poetic convention.
Some words could be eliminated from the poetry, the repetition of 'land', the use of outer space, not really very comic, the repetition of 'and' in the last part, the second 'and' is unnecessary.
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#7
I appreciate the critiques, I will work on an edit, if only the caps at the beginning, Billy's right about some words just filling space but in a ramble of thought it's not a bad thing. I didn't know what a concrete poem was and thought I was being original with forms as an emotional conveyance over words, I learn something with every post, and I appreciate it thank yo
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#8
Sorry I missed your question

My hot /air  Balloon /will car/ry me   |.  Where/ver it wants /to go

A line of iambs split by an anapest give this a nice lilting feel which goes along with the concept of a balloon.  Then it stops.


 1.   3. 1.    2.  3.   1.   3.  1.  3.     1.    3. 1. 2.  3.     1. 3
My hot air  Balloon will carry me |   Wherever it wants to go

Note the smooth rises during the anapests as opposed to the metrical bounce of the iambs
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