The decision(after feedback)
#1
Thank you for all of your input so far and thanks in advance for any more! I have tried to learn a bit more and had another go. 

[new version]
I was in love
years before I kissed you,
Because the creature in me, 
saw the creature in you. 

But one day I hit your wall,
that filled those gaps in time.
Your 'other woman'
Your 'other love'
That rotten ghost you call a friend.

With your feet firmly planted,
All you could do was say, 'I'm sorry',
as the tears ran down our cheeks.

I’m sorry, you think that wall is your cocoon,
I'm sorry you think you need it. 

All I can do is love you from the other side and wait until you realise, 
those colour dusted wings are just trapped. 

You have always been the butterfly.



[old version]
When i first saw you i thought you were beautiful. When i first kissed you, i knew your skin was made from something magic.
 But there's a wall between us. The other woman, the black hole, that rotten person you call a friend.
 With your feet firmly planted on the other side, all you could do was say 'I'm sorry',as the tears ran down our cheeks. 
I'm sorry, you think that wall is your cocoon, I'm sorry you think you need it.
 All I can do is love you from afar and wait until you see, those coloured wings are trapped.
 You have always been the butterfly.
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#2
I've been waiting for someone else to address this, frankly.

This reads, to me, as prose. I personally find nothing poetic about it. Others may disagree.

I think a basic introduction to poetry course would be in order. I can't think of any particular link, offhand, but they are online for no cost.

I don't know how much poetry you've read, but find a poet you like and read. Then I'd suggest the first place to start writing is to work on the concept of line.
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#3
(06-22-2019, 08:54 AM)Seraphim Wrote:  I've been waiting for someone else to address this, frankly.

This reads, to me, as prose. I personally find nothing poetic about it. Others may disagree.

I think a basic introduction to poetry course would be in order. I can't think of any particular link, offhand, but they are online for no cost.

I don't know how much poetry you've read, but find a poet you like and read. Then I'd suggest the first place to start writing is to work on the concept of line.
This post breaks forum rules.  "Do not attack or critique the poet."  Please restrict comments to the poem and the poem alone.  The poet is off limits.  

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#4
My apologies. It was meant in a constructive manner.
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#5
Hey NancyNutmeg,
Welcome to the site Smile

I think this piece would benefit a lot from restructuring it into more distinct stanzas. This could be accomplished by shortening some of your lines. As well, some of your wording here isn't bad, but some of it could use some work. I'll go into a little more detail below:

(06-22-2019, 06:14 AM)NancyNutmeg Wrote:  When i first saw you i thought you were beautiful. When i first kissed you, i knew your skin was made from something magic. -Words like "beautiful" and "something" don't add much. Maybe think about adding images so these lines have a stronger impact on the reader.
 But there's a wall between us. The other woman, the black hole, that rotten person you call a friend.
 With your feet firmly planted on the other side, all you could do was say 'I'm sorry',as the tears ran down our cheeks. 
I'm sorry, you think that wall is your cocoon, I'm sorry you think you need it.
 All I can do is love you from afar and wait until you see, those coloured wings are trapped.
 You have always been the butterfly. -I actually like this ending. However, I think you need to start building towards this metaphor from the first line of the poem. Maybe you meant to with the word "beautiful," but you need a stronger hint of the butterfly than that.
I hope you take the time to workshop this because I would like to see where you take this from here.

Thanks for the read,
Richard
Time is the best editor.
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#6
hi nancynutmeg; what a great name. thanks for leaving feedback elsewhere and for posting your poetry.
1st off, don't be deterred by any remarks given here.

a good start would be to break it down into lines but that will always be your choice. in general it makes for an easier read.
secondly you have a lot of cliches [words or phrase that have been over used in poetry and elsewhere]. try and make it using phrases only you have created.

images [metaphor or simile] capture the moment,
When i first saw you i thought you were beautiful.
I first saw you as sunlight through a soft breeze

if you want a lift doing a few edits just say so and i'll give a few examples for you to work off.

thank you for posting.

(06-22-2019, 06:14 AM)NancyNutmeg Wrote:  When i first saw you i thought you were beautiful. When i first kissed you, i knew your skin was made from something magic.
 But there's a wall between us. The other woman, the black hole, that rotten person you call a friend.
 With your feet firmly planted on the other side, all you could do was say 'I'm sorry',as the tears ran down our cheeks. 
I'm sorry, you think that wall is your cocoon, I'm sorry you think you need it.
 All I can do is love you from afar and wait until you see, those coloured wings are trapped.
 You have always been the butterfly.
Reply
#7
Hey Nancy,
I think this is going in the right direction. However, I find that your cocoon metaphor is a bit mixed up now. I'll go into detail below:

(06-22-2019, 06:14 AM)NancyNutmeg Wrote:  Thank you for all of your input so far and thanks in advance for any more! I have tried to learn a bit more and had another go. 

[new version]
I was in love
years before I kissed you,
Because the creature in me, 
saw the creature in you. -This stanza makes it sound like their own skins are the cocoons, and I think this is a fascinating idea worth exploring in more detail.

But one day I hit your wall,-I find that the wall imagery a bit confusing because I'm not sure it it's literal or metaphorical.
that filled those gaps in time.
Your 'other woman'
Your 'other love'
That rotten ghost you call a friend.

With your feet firmly planted,
All you could do was say, 'I'm sorry',
as the tears ran down our cheeks.

I’m sorry, you think that wall is your cocoon, -Their skins as cocoons is a stronger idea than the wall as a cocoon. Again, my confusion from above weakens this image for me. 
I'm sorry you think you need it. 

All I can do is love you from the other side and wait until you realise, 
those colour dusted wings are just trapped. 

You have always been the butterfly.



[old version]
When i first saw you i thought you were beautiful. When i first kissed you, i knew your skin was made from something magic.
 But there's a wall between us. The other woman, the black hole, that rotten person you call a friend.
 With your feet firmly planted on the other side, all you could do was say 'I'm sorry',as the tears ran down our cheeks. 
I'm sorry, you think that wall is your cocoon, I'm sorry you think you need it.
 All I can do is love you from afar and wait until you see, those coloured wings are trapped.
 You have always been the butterfly.
Maybe think of rewriting the first stanza to something like:

Because the creature in me
saw the creature in you
,
we kissed.

Then you can start building on how that connection was all a lie and lead to only one of them emerging from their cocoon. I look forward to seeing where you take this from here.

Thanks for the read,
Richard
Time is the best editor.
Reply
#8
Very nice S1. Good use of line breaks and assonance. ‘Because’ should be lower case. You took one well constructed sentence and made it a concise and meaningful stanza.

S2 starts with ‘hit your wall’. What wall? Is N being literal or figurative? The reader hasn’t a clue yet. Perhaps move that line further down the poem, so that by the time we reach it, we have enough info to realize it’s figurative. If the reader stops to think about a line, the line needs reconsidered imo.

Who is the ghost friend? Friend doesn’t seem to go along with ‘other woman’, ‘other love’, so it seems the ghost friend is the narrator? That to me would make more sense, as in we’re just friends.

“All you could say was, “I’m sorry,” / as the tears ran down our cheeks”. Should be your closing lines, I think. The closing lines should be the strongest.

The remaining lines can really be pared down to one concise stanza. You don’t need to push the butterfly image so hard. Just cocoon and colored wings should be sufficient for the reader. The hardest thing we do is editing out all of the extraneous material from our draft - but that makes the poem tighter and keeps it from meandering around.

If I could offer only one piece of advice, it would be: do to the other stanzas what you did to S1.

Ok - I put a lot here, but I see the potential now. Glad you’re sticking it out.
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#9
(06-22-2019, 06:14 AM)NancyNutmeg Wrote:  Thank you for all of your input so far and thanks in advance for any more! I have tried to learn a bit more and had another go. 

[new version]
I was in love
years before I kissed you,
Because the creature in me, 
saw the creature in you. 

But one day I hit your wall,
that filled those gaps in time.
Your 'other woman'
Your 'other love'
That rotten ghost you call a friend.

With your feet firmly planted,
All you could do was say, 'I'm sorry',
as the tears ran down our cheeks.

I’m sorry, you think that wall is your cocoon,
I'm sorry you think you need it. 

All I can do is love you from the other side and wait until you realise, 
those colour dusted wings are just trapped. 

You have always been the butterfly.



[old version]
When i first saw you i thought you were beautiful. When i first kissed you, i knew your skin was made from something magic.
 But there's a wall between us. The other woman, the black hole, that rotten person you call a friend.
 With your feet firmly planted on the other side, all you could do was say 'I'm sorry',as the tears ran down our cheeks. 
I'm sorry, you think that wall is your cocoon, I'm sorry you think you need it.
 All I can do is love you from afar and wait until you see, those coloured wings are trapped.
 You have always been the butterfly.

The prosaic subversion of poetic features impacts the effectiveness of the poem at communicating ambiguity and influencing the emotions of the audience. Instead of having a linear story-like structure you could experiment with impressionist imagery - to do this read ‘Preludes’ by T.S Eliot. If you want to go the reverse route try reading ‘California Plush’ by Frank Bidard to learn more about effective story poems. If you want me to send you some info on these poems and offer analysis I’d be glad to.
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