The Calling
#1
with god-created intent
the air lifted and grew thin,
roads lost parallel lines,
and the working class mustered:
buskers and bakers,
men and women
all stood motionless
amidst the wake

one man smirked, as if to give off
the whole charade.

edited 08/12/2019
Looking for a problem in writing? Won't find one.
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#2
(06-16-2019, 05:05 PM)cloud Wrote:  with god created intent
the air lifted and grew thin,
roads lost parallel lines,
and the working class mustered:
clergymen, buskers and bakers,
clerks and townsmen,
all stood motionless
amidst the wake.
one man smirked, as if to give off
the whole charade.

This is intriguing, and contains thought-provoking images (for example, roads losing parallel lines - are we talking perspective here, with vanishing points?)

In basic critique, although you've chosen not to use strict punctuation, etc., I'd suggest a hyphen to make "god-created," even though it would tend to lock out some readings or interpretations.  I don't consider clergymen, generally, members of the working class - the group includes bishops, etc. - so perhaps "parsons" even though they may be a bit more educated than the average busker.

There are some good chops - "roads lost parallel lines" rolls off the tongue as well as being an arresting image.

I do question a couple of words - hope this is not excessive for Basic.  One is "wake," which simultaneously suggests (to me) the wake of a ship - makes sense in context - and the traditional liquid-fueled funereal sendoff.  Which may just be a wrong idea on my part, but it doesn't fit well with the very sober image of mustered and motionless bystanders.

The other is "off" (in "as if to give off/the whole charade" at the end).  I get the meaning from context - as we would say in the US, to give away a secret with an overtone of doing it unintentionally or disobediently.  In US parlance, "give off" connotes an emanation as in "give off light" or "give off" a bad smell.  So I'd replace "off" with "away" there, but only if that means the same thing on both sides of the pond.

I liked it, it's mysterious and visual, showing instead of telling.
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#3
I like the piece, though its intent - it’s message - isn’t coming through to me, and I’m one willing to work at understanding a poem. The opening lines offer a hint of apocalyptic setup. The working class gather for a wake (mankind’s?), then there’s a volte - a bit of a turn at the end - implying the event’s a bit of a joke. A joke on whom - the religious working class, as opposed to the intellectual elite?

Structurally the poem flows nicely, is concise and compact. The first line threw me at first, until I picked up on Duke’s comment, with which I concur. L1, however, appears to contradict my reading. If anything is actually created by God, as L1 states, then I suppose the joke is on the man who smirked.

I have no problem with ‘wake’ , as not all cultures engage in indulgences at a wake. That aspect didn’t come to mind.

But you have something here. I look forward to seeing what you do.
There is no escape from metre; there is only mastery. TS Eliot
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#4
I watched an Icelandic thriller last night, some men killed dozens of random people in the US recently, and I am now listening to Alfred Schnittke, so I feel in the right mood with this enigmatic poem. I am wondering what The Event is, i.e. the wake, the lifting & thinning of the air, etc. It's like the world ends but we don't know what it is, and in the end, it's only a charade. Perhaps you'd wish to expose the catastrophic happening a bit more, or hide it more, if it's an illusion in the end..

I'm not 100% sure about the listing of workers, why do we need it..

I like the smirk, although I wonder if it's heavy enough. In the thriller I watched, the villain smirks when dying, it feels like a cliché, villains smurking..
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#5
@dukealien

thank you, intriguing will do.
semantics noted.

@seraphim
thank you for pointing out the ambiguity, when I read something that is too abstract to intrigue me after first read, I think it lacks.
semantics noted.

@frenchie
you hit the nail right on the head, honestly.
that is bad news for me if you understood my enigma too well.
I disagree with the smirk though, ain't nothing more daunting than a well placed smirk
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