Freeing From Ego, Building A Fake One
#1
I am analyzing my corpse. Everything still moves, change. Everything is moving around the center-point of everything, and I see everything in everything. And the still arrow soars through it’s sky. Daytime, night, time flys on one indescribable love. Positive perspective solution. We exist! The big bang happened relatively and is still occuring, changing perspective from the finite to the infinite. One into two and two sides of one. Seeing the most simple and finding the most complex. Relative past, one now. Jump in! Kill your ego and cleanse your corpse. Purification, beingness being being. All the days go round and round, over the ground and under the ground. You can easily do it entirely. A planet of people in your imagination thinking about something. Go swimming in the sea in you. The thrilling feeling of migration, finally leaving home, free from an empty womb. Mother Earth is my birth and my tomb. Flying along the starway for now, collecting organs in my starship. New imaginary worlds full of thinking life, exploring. Connecting the dots as a rebuilt robot analyzes time. Metaphorical gravity, free of the threshold. We’re finding new brains in piles of fleshy mirrors and symbols, on one entire body of mind, all. Formless, when do we arrive at the shore to set sail to the destination of the invisible whale? In the beginning. The beginning is in us all of the time. Design with your mental paint-brush. Dancing in the sun, tingling heat, paradise dream, ten days a week. The artist creates one form within many, and many within one. The long list of sights relates one form to many, and many search within. And we live within the composite as part of it. And the layers relate and are part of each other. My new robotic ego is analyzing meaning in a hug. Compute the love.


Magic Spell #420:
Love the outside. Great infinite Angel come down and let me act as your vessel and voyage. Paint your presence on us in the now. As above, so below, outside of that and in the nothing. Help us develop. Please. Word. Bless this media my friend.


Idea
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#2
(06-04-2019, 06:58 AM)Bugstar Wrote:  I am analyzing my corpse. Everything still moves, change. Everything is moving around the center-point of everything, and I see everything in everything. And the still arrow soars through it’s sky. Daytime, night, time flys on one indescribable love. Positive perspective solution. We exist! The big bang happened relatively and is still occuring, changing perspective from the finite to the infinite. One into two and two sides of one. Seeing the most simple and finding the most complex. Relative past, one now. Jump in! Kill your ego and cleanse your corpse. Purification, beingness being being. All the days go round and round, over the ground and under the ground. You can easily do it entirely. A planet of people in your imagination thinking about something. Go swimming in the sea in you. The thrilling feeling of migration, finally leaving home, free from an empty womb. Mother Earth is my birth and my tomb. Flying along the starway for now, collecting organs in my starship. New imaginary worlds full of thinking life, exploring. Connecting the dots as a rebuilt robot analyzes time. Metaphorical gravity, free of the threshold. We’re finding new brains in piles of fleshy mirrors and symbols, on one entire body of mind, all. Formless, when do we arrive at the shore to set sail to the destination of the invisible whale? In the beginning. The beginning is in us all of the time. Design with your mental paint-brush. Dancing in the sun, tingling heat, paradise dream, ten days a week. The artist creates one form within many, and many within one. The long list of sights relates one form to many, and many search within. And we live within the composite as part of it. And the layers relate and are part of each other. My new robotic ego is analyzing meaning in a hug. Compute the love.


Magic Spell #420:
Love the outside. Great infinite Angel come down and let me act as your vessel and voyage. Paint your presence on us in the now. As above, so below, outside of that and in the nothing. Help us develop. Please. Word. Bless this media my friend.


Idea

No line by line, mainly due to the lack of lines, but here's my critique (or maybe criticism). Bear in mind that it's more opinion than analysis.

Personal note: I don't find much entertainment in reading this, because it sounds like a semi-hallucinatory rambling, which I expect wouldn't be enjoyable to me unless already in a euphoric state. I won't be smoking anything for the sake of reading it, however.

Technical notes: you have abstract ideas posed here, and they're not completely intangible or unrelatable, but they're note brought out in any meaningful way here. You've ambiguously called upon these ideas, but there's no development. You've got some artistic content, and even decent imagery at times (see bold text), so those portions might even be workable into a solid poem.
If you're the smartest person in the room, you're in the wrong room.

"Or, if a poet writes a poem, then immediately commits suicide (as any decent poet should)..." -- Erthona
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#3
(06-04-2019, 06:58 AM)Bugstar Wrote:  I am analyzing my corpse. Everything still moves, change. "change" is striking here, rather than "changes"

Everything is moving around the center-point of everything, and I see everything in everything. shift point of view from out-of-body of self to the All

 And the still arrow soars through it’s sky.  should probably be "its" (possessive of "it" rather than contraction of "it is").  Could be read as "the arrow is (the) sky," but not without some kind of break punctuation after "through"

Daytime, night, time flys on one indescribable love.  pretty clever use of "time flys" which would otherwise be cliche; I read this with a comma implied after "on"

Positive perspective solution. We exist! solution to the perception dilemma; could this get a verb so as to avoid sentence fragment?

The big bang happened relatively and is still occuring, changing perspective from the finite to the infinite. One into two and two sides of one. "[R]elatively" makes this a little obscure - could the big bang still happening be made clearer?  It's an interesting concept.

 Seeing the most simple and finding the most complex. Relative past, one now. Jump in! Kill your ego and cleanse your corpse. Purification, beingness being being. An arresting passage, harking back to the very beginning (of the work).  The shift to "you" from "I" is a little dangerous, though - why hasn't the point-of-view done this already?  Or has he?  Encouraging others to suicide (or give up their egos) can sound a bit hostile.

All the days go round and round, over the ground and under the ground.  I like this sentence!  Could the last "the" be dropped?

You can easily do it entirely. A planet of people in your imagination thinking about something. Go swimming in the sea in you. The thrilling feeling of migration, finally leaving home, free from an empty womb. Mother Earth is my birth and my tomb. Flying along the starway for now, collecting organs in my starship. New imaginary worlds full of thinking life, exploring. Connecting the dots as a rebuilt robot analyzes time. This passage could suggest a scary alien (though it may not be intended to).  Or if it is, the shift between "you" and "I" could stand some examination - I think it's meant as the colloquial "you" meaning "I felt this, but you could have" but shifting back and forth between that and straight first person can introduce unwanted sidebars.

 Metaphorical gravity, free of the threshold. We’re finding new brains in piles of fleshy mirrors and symbols, on one entire body of mind, all. Must confess I don't like "all" here - sounds like the speaker is addressing everyone now, and not in a respectful way (a bit hectoring, even).  Perhaps a modifer ("all of it") would clarify.

Formless, when do we arrive at the shore to set sail to the destination of the invisible whale? In the beginning. The beginning is in us all of the time. Design with your mental paint-brush. Dancing in the sun, tingling heat, paradise dream, ten days a week. The artist creates one form within many, and many within one. The long list of sights relates one form to many, and many search within.  Getting resonances here from "Leaves of Grass" and "Moby Dick" - a little trippy.

 And we live within the composite as part of it. And the layers relate and are part of each other. My new robotic ego is analyzing meaning in a hug. Compute the love.  Nice internal rhyme.  Didn't see the robotic thread coming, perhaps more preparation?

Magic Spell #420:
Love the outside. Great infinite Angel come down and let me act as your vessel and voyage. Paint your presence on us in the now. As above, so below, outside of that and in the nothing. Help us develop. Please. Word. Bless this media my friend.  This "spell" has somewhat the form of a prayer ("Lord, make me an instrument of Thy peace") but tiptoes back from acknowledging a God.  "Please" does indicate supplication of One who has power to make changes the speaker cannot, though.


Idea

Won't deny that this work is difficult, or pretend that I really liked it, but this poem has some real virtues.  There's the cleverness, and there's the ambivalence (am I talking to you, or myself?)  I'd suggest breaking it down into sections (or stanzas), not necessarily as I have above - that was just for ease in critique - and then arranging lines within the stanzas, not by sentence structure, but as significant thoughts.  Rewording those lines so they have an appropriate rhythm (not necessarily a meter, though it may turn out that way) could make your thinking more accessible and memorable.

Also, if you do get all the way to meter, you may find that forcing yourself to express your thoughts in a form also forces you to express them better:  finding the right word to fit often turns up the right word for meaning.

Thanks for posting!
feedback award Non-practicing atheist
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#4
Please give feedback on other people’s poems in the workshop forums before posting your own poetry in these forums.  
The Soufflé isn’t the soufflé; the soufflé is the recipe. --Clara 
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#5
(06-04-2019, 06:58 AM)Bugstar Wrote:  I am analyzing my corpse. Everything still moves, change. Everything is moving around the center-point of everything, and I see everything in everything. And the still arrow soars through it’s sky. Daytime, night, time flys on one indescribable love. Positive perspective solution. We exist! The big bang happened relatively and is still occuring, changing perspective from the finite to the infinite. One into two and two sides of one. Seeing the most simple and finding the most complex. Relative past, one now. Jump in! Kill your ego and cleanse your corpse. Purification, beingness being being. All the days go round and round, over the ground and under the ground. You can easily do it entirely. A planet of people in your imagination thinking about something. Go swimming in the sea in you. The thrilling feeling of migration, finally leaving home, free from an empty womb. Mother Earth is my birth and my tomb. Flying along the starway for now, collecting organs in my starship. New imaginary worlds full of thinking life, exploring. Connecting the dots as a rebuilt robot analyzes time. Metaphorical gravity, free of the threshold. We’re finding new brains in piles of fleshy mirrors and symbols, on one entire body of mind, all. Formless, when do we arrive at the shore to set sail to the destination of the invisible whale? In the beginning. The beginning is in us all of the time. Design with your mental paint-brush. Dancing in the sun, tingling heat, paradise dream, ten days a week. The artist creates one form within many, and many within one. The long list of sights relates one form to many, and many search within. And we live within the composite as part of it. And the layers relate and are part of each other. My new robotic ego is analyzing meaning in a hug. Compute the love.


Magic Spell #420:
Love the outside. Great infinite Angel come down and let me act as your vessel and voyage. Paint your presence on us in the now. As above, so below, outside of that and in the nothing. Help us develop. Please. Word. Bless this media my friend.


Idea

This reads like a series of fantastic headings. I wonder if each heading could become a poem and this is just the contents page. Some fabulous ideas here and I want to know the stories behind each one.
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