Second poem, more poemy
#1
Still working on revising my first poem based on your recommendations. Meanwhile here's a second that is more poemy.



Sharp


he pulls a knife

my life in his hands

my fists clenched
no defence

cuts deep
repeats

my blood flows
till he cauterizes and sews

dermatologist
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#2
(05-25-2019, 05:25 PM)Cbobgo Wrote:  Sharp


he pulls a knife

my life in his hands

my fists clenched
no defence

cuts deep
repeats

my blood flows
till he cauterizes and sews

dermatologist

So the main issue here is that the wording borders on cliche. You've got the right idea on including a bit more imagery and the like, focusing on a scene and executing it.
Unfortunately, the first three lines are very typical, to say the least. This is where simile and metaphor help to make an image both clear and condensed, while avoiding the mundane expressions that we often use "poetically."
There's not a whole lot else to say here. The execution is quick and concise, so no trimming is needed, but the bones lack meat. I see the skeleton of a poem, but nothing to chew on. Now fitting the two together can be difficult and takes practice, but you should practice that kind of thing now, because it will take a lot of failed attempts before you can make a poem that has a solid structure to hold it up, but also has the meaty metaphors that readers like to read again and again.



Side note: I also recommend making the title of your poem and post the same. It's an organizational thing that helps keep the main boards easy to read and use.
If you're the smartest person in the room, you're in the wrong room.

"Or, if a poet writes a poem, then immediately commits suicide (as any decent poet should)..." -- Erthona
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#3
Thanks for the input!
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#4
many of the lines are cliche, try and swap them out for original ideas.

apart from the clichés i see the person as a surgeon not a dermatologist. my suggestion is keep the idea and lose all the cliche's for fresh images of the same things, i'd also suggest fleshing it out and keeping the twist at the end. use simile to create images.
my fist clenched like a mouthful of lockjaw

or metaphor;

my fist; a closed bear-trap. you can use anything as long as it's related to the thought.

(05-25-2019, 05:25 PM)Cbobgo Wrote:  Still working on revising my first poem based on your recommendations. Meanwhile here's a second that is more poemy.



Sharp


Sharp


he pulls a knife

my life in his hands

my fists clenched
no defence

cuts deep
repeats

my blood flows
till he cauterizes and sews

dermatologist
Reply
#5
Hey bob,

I agree with the others that some of your lines need to be reworked. I'm not a doctor, but will a dermatologist remove a mole? If so, maybe play around with that image and make it sound like a murder, until the reveal at the end. Maybe even play around with something even more mundane like removing a skin tag? Just a thought. To be honest, I quite like the twist at the end of it being a medical procedure. However, I think you need to improve on your build to the reveal. 

(05-25-2019, 05:25 PM)Cbobgo Wrote:  Still working on revising my first poem based on your recommendations. Meanwhile here's a second that is more poemy.



Sharp


he pulls a knife

my life in his hands

my fists clenched -Maybe start with this stanza? The first two lines are too cliched.
no defence

cuts deep
repeats

my blood flows
till he cauterizes and sews

dermatologist
I look forward to seeing where you take this from here?

Thanks for the read,
Richard
Time is the best editor.
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#6
I think what puts me off here is the attempt to sound “poemy”, resulting in choppy lines which don’t flow, compounded by the slant rhymes/assonance. May I suggest more natural phrasing, and a touch of visual description, that we might deduce what the dermatologist is actually doing? I’m ignorant of the skills a dermatologist uses, so the surgical description does not work for me. That just might be my ignorance, however.
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