Deluded Pride
#1
A stranger greets me,
a friend laughs with me,
the reason isn't as simple,
there's more to it;


Perhaps it is my fame that gets me the greeting,
perhaps it is my charm that makes them laugh,
the reason is more than what appeals to the deluded mind,
there's more to it;


Has time ever spared fame to those excluding the saints?
Has the east ever remembered other than Muhammad per diem?
Has the west ever revered other than Jesus per se?
O deluded soul,
nothing that is in you can stand the stain of history;


For charm was ever present in Robin the son of William,
Destiny didn't spare it's flame however,
all that was left was the shedding of tears,
so much for the charming being's spell?


For attraction was ever discerning towards those who flaunted their beauty,
the world even went as much to grant a title or two,
yet the wind and sun worked together to make it all perish
while the gravedigger complemented with his craft,
does any being remember Miss Monroe?
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#2
I like the parallel at the beginning, I want to do a line by line to explain all my reasonings, but basically it reminds me of different translations of the Divine comedy, some focus on the tone of the message to choose words for translation and others focus on the sound of the words.  Longfellow was praised but in my opinion unreadable.


(05-11-2019, 07:49 AM)sudaisasif Wrote:  A stranger greets me,
a friend laughs with me,
the reason isn't as simple,
there's more to it; right you just told us the reason isn't as simple, so we know there's more to it.


Perhaps it is my fame that gets me the greeting,
perhaps it is my charm that makes them laugh,
the reason is more than what appeals to the deluded mind,
there's more to it;


Has time ever spared fame to those excluding the saints?
Has the east ever remembered other than Muhammad per diem?
Has the west ever revered other than Jesus per se?
O deluded soul,
nothing that is in you can stand the stain of history;
Per se, per diem, who are you talking to?

For charm was ever present in Robin the son of William, I like believing this is a reference to Robin williams
Destiny didn't spare it's flame however,
all that was left was the shedding of tears,
so much for the charming being's spell?


For attraction was ever discerning towards those who flaunted their beauty,
the world even went as much to grant a title or two,
yet the wind and sun worked together to make it all perish
while the gravedigger complemented with his craft,
does any being remember Miss Monroe? Too much thinking required in these last four lines to connect them so quickly, beauty/wind/gravedigger/monroe

I want to believe you know about fame from experience, maybe your own deluded pride being awakened at last.

Thanks for posting!
Peanut butter honey banana sandwiches
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#3
(05-12-2019, 11:32 PM)CRNDLSM Wrote:  I like the parallel at the beginning, I want to do a line by line to explain all my reasonings, but basically it reminds me of different translations of the Divine comedy, some focus on the tone of the message to choose words for translation and others focus on the sound of the words.  Longfellow was praised but in my opinion unreadable.


(05-11-2019, 07:49 AM)sudaisasif Wrote:  A stranger greets me,
a friend laughs with me,
the reason isn't as simple,
there's more to it; right you just told us the reason isn't as simple, so we know there's more to it.

I added this to kind of reinforce the preceding sentence, do you think it still gets unnecessary even if it an intended repitition?


Perhaps it is my fame that gets me the greeting,
perhaps it is my charm that makes them laugh,
the reason is more than what appeals to the deluded mind,
there's more to it;


Has time ever spared fame to those excluding the saints?
Has the east ever remembered other than Muhammad per diem?
Has the west ever revered other than Jesus per se?
O deluded soul,
nothing that is in you can stand the stain of history;
Per se, per diem, who are you talking to?  The reader?

For charm was ever present in Robin the son of William, I like believing this is a reference to Robin williams: Yes it is, would that offend someone though or is it insensitive?
Destiny didn't spare it's flame however,
all that was left was the shedding of tears,
so much for the charming being's spell?


For attraction was ever discerning towards those who flaunted their beauty,
the world even went as much to grant a title or two,
yet the wind and sun worked together to make it all perish
while the gravedigger complemented with his craft,
does any being remember Miss Monroe? Too much thinking required in these last four lines to connect them so quickly, beauty/wind/gravedigger/monroe
Ah yes but had to make it like that to add immense imagery.

I want to believe you know about fame from experience, maybe your own deluded pride being awakened at last.  Actually I have these arrogant thoughts which I do not act on or believe but just wrote this as a refutation to them.

Thanks for posting!
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#4
(05-13-2019, 12:00 AM)sudaisasif Wrote:  
(05-12-2019, 11:32 PM)CRNDLSM Wrote:  I like the parallel at the beginning, I want to do a line by line to explain all my reasonings, but basically it reminds me of different translations of the Divine comedy, some focus on the tone of the message to choose words for translation and others focus on the sound of the words.  Longfellow was praised but in my opinion unreadable.


(05-11-2019, 07:49 AM)sudaisasif Wrote:  A stranger greets me,
a friend laughs with me,
the reason isn't as simple,
there's more to it;

I added this to kind of reinforce the preceding sentence, do you think it still gets unnecessary even if it an intended repitition? You repeat 'theres more to it', so how about instead of 'isnt as simple' something about 'the reason' that shows us it isn't as simple, a teaser to a later, closer examination of 'the reason'


Perhaps it is my fame that gets me the greeting,
perhaps it is my charm that makes them laugh,
the reason is more than what appeals to the deluded mind,
there's more to it;


Has time ever spared fame to those excluding the saints?
Has the east ever remembered other than Muhammad per diem?
Has the west ever revered other than Jesus per se?
O deluded soul,
nothing that is in you can stand the stain of history;
The reader? A reader that jumps from the saints to Muhammad then Latin to Jesus but Jesus was eastern too, the west I guess through colonialisation and history primarily reflects on Jesus but I think you're expecting too much immediate understanding to your line of thinking from any reader.  History tarnishes those spiritual figures left and right as well

For charm was ever present in Robin the son of William, Yes it is, would that offend someone though or is it insensitive? It's my favorite part take of it what you will.  Why the spin on his name however?  Like another historical jump related to the Latin earlier
Destiny didn't spare it's flame however,
all that was left was the shedding of tears,
so much for the charming being's spell?


For attraction was ever discerning towards those who flaunted their beauty,
the world even went as much to grant a title or two,
yet the wind and sun worked together to make it all perish
while the gravedigger complemented with his craft,
does any being remember Miss Monroe? Too much thinking required in these last four lines to connect them so quickly, beauty/wind/gravedigger/monroe
Ah yes but had to make it like that to add immense imagery.  I think then you could make this section longer with clearer connections between the lines

I want to believe you know about fame from experience, maybe your own deluded pride being awakened at last.  Actually I have these arrogant thoughts which I do not act on or believe but just wrote this as a refutation to them. 

I  myself have alter egos suffering from delusions of grandeur, best of luck!

Thanks for posting!
Peanut butter honey banana sandwiches
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#5
(05-13-2019, 02:00 AM)CRNDLSM Wrote:  
(05-13-2019, 12:00 AM)sudaisasif Wrote:  
(05-12-2019, 11:32 PM)CRNDLSM Wrote:  I like the parallel at the beginning, I want to do a line by line to explain all my reasonings, but basically it reminds me of different translations of the Divine comedy, some focus on the tone of the message to choose words for translation and others focus on the sound of the words.  Longfellow was praised but in my opinion unreadable.


Ah yes but had to make it like that to add immense imagery.  I think then you could make this section longer with clearer connections between the lines

I want to believe you know about fame from experience, maybe your own deluded pride being awakened at last.  Actually I have these arrogant thoughts which I do not act on or believe but just wrote this as a refutation to them. 

I  myself have alter egos suffering from delusions of grandeur, best of luck!

Thanks for posting!


Thank you, I'll work on the critique you gave!
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#6
After the first four lines, everything else just reads like an internal monologue/soliloquy. Those first two lines set up a short and simple scene, but everything beyond is pretty rhetorical, not poetic.

Try to turn some of the little strophes into miniature scenes that illustrate the core ideas.
If you're the smartest person in the room, you're in the wrong room.

"Or, if a poet writes a poem, then immediately commits suicide (as any decent poet should)..." -- Erthona
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